I separated from the father of my kids when I was pregnant with our second child – although we’d still speak and, when he was home from working on the rigs, we occasionally spent the weekend at his house.
Then on my 30th birthday he bought me a lovely gift and we spent the night together.
Three weeks later, I received an email from him saying he’d met someone at work and they were in a serious relationship.
I was devastated. He went on to marry her and she had their baby two years later.
However, after she’d had the baby, she flew home to see her family in Turkey and he came to visit. We ended up making love all night.
Since then, he comes to see the kids when he feels like it, which is usually once every three months if they’re lucky, and I always end up having sex with him.
It’s now been over three months since he last visited and I feel angry and disappointed – he normally takes the children to his house for a week during the holidays, but he has made no contact.
I am confused – do I tell him when he eventually gets in touch that he is no longer welcome to visit the kids because they need consistency in their lives?
I don’t want to be the one to hurt them again, though. What should I do?
Have your say in the comments below
Don’t use the kids to get back at him. I understand your frustration if he’s only seeing them every three months and makes no contact in between.
But when the kids grow up, they’ll realise he wasn’t there for them and they won’t blame you.
I think you’re feeling hurt and jealous, which is also understandable, but you have to put a stop to sleeping with him every time he decides to grace you with his presence. Don’t let him use you in that way.
If the opportunity to sleep with him presents itself and you don’t trust yourself, make sure your sister, mum or a friend is there so you can’t act on it.
The situation is stopping you from moving on with someone else.
You also need to take back some control – stop waiting around for him to get in touch with you.
Be clear with him that he’s hurting his kids by not being in regular contact with them.
Even if he works on the rigs, he can get in touch via Skype as well as emails and texts.
He needs to realise that when they grow up they’ll understand he wasn’t there for them.
And then they might not be so keen to have a relationship with him. He can’t just pop in whenever he fancies – if he wants to see his kids, he needs to arrange it and respect the fact you all have your own lives.
More of our agony aunt Coleen Nolan’s advice on your sex, family, health and relationship problems