When I’m this close to orgasm—eyes squeezed shut, lips twisted in a Billy Idol sneer, cheeks glowing—the most descriptive word wouldn’t be “passionate” or “erotic.” It would be “determined.” Because right then, at the edges of my fading consciousness, I’m worried that the phone will ring, my knees will lose their traction on the sheets, or my boyfriend will change position, and suddenly I’ll be sliding away from that elusive peak instead of moving toward it. For the 75 percent of women who don’t always reach orgasm during intercourse, this happens all the time.
What we need is a fuse blower—that last shot of stimulation that blasts us into orgasmic never-never land. “Calling it a fuse blower is pretty appropriate,” says sex therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D. “Recent studies show that in order for a woman to achieve orgasm, the part of her brain associated with stress, emotion, and anxiety has to shut down.”
If you’re able to do something to a woman that feels so incredibly good that she completely relaxes and lets go, you’re highly likely to make that woman climax.
My friends helped me compile this list of orgasm triggers. Get her to the point where she’s sweaty and breathing fast, then try one of these sex techniques.
THE DOUBLE GRIP
Despite all the attention her booty may attract when she’s walking down the street in tight jeans or bending over a file cabinet, a woman’s butt is too often sidelined during sex. And that’s why grabbing both of her cheeks when she’s on top may be just the unexpected turn-on a girl needs to get off.
“The buttocks are packed with nerve endings,” says Gilda Carle, Ph.D., a sex therapist in New York City. “To give her a surprising jolt of pleasure, spread your fingers wide and squeeze both buttocks firmly.”
But take it one step at a time. Yes, of course, there are women out there who crave a good spanking, but until you’ve had a conversation about this sort of thing—however playful you are—just keep it simple.
THE UP SHIFT
It was Rachel, my favorite sorority sister in college, who told me about this trick: “When a guy is on top of you in the missionary position, have him shift his body slightly forward so that, every time he thrusts, his penis rubs against your clitoris.” Yes, Rachel really talked like this, and yes, college was fun.
This tactic is even more orgasmic if the woman’s legs are together and the man’s are straddling her. “It increases clitoral stimulation,” says Ellen Friedrichs, M.A., an adjunct professor of human sexuality at Rutgers University. You can achieve the same effect when she’s on top by propping yourself up on your elbows, which places your abdomen in closer contact with her clitoris.
There’s no question that clitoral contact is the ultimate fuse blower. But how—and how much—depends on the woman. “Going down on a woman allows you to get a real sense of the stimulation she likes at every stage of arousal, especially the final one,” says Kerner, who wrote a whole book on the subject: She Comes First. It also eliminates any performance anxiety she has during intercourse, so she can kick back and enjoy.
Learn what she likes. Get between her legs and give her a solid base of lips, tongue, gums, and even chin to rub against. At first, use your hands to guide her hips to let her know you want her to do the grinding. When she takes over, note how hard she’s pushing and in what direction. Use that information later when using your fingers or giving her a more aggressive tongue bath.
THE DROP TRICK
Steady clitoral contact is essential to female orgasm. But without adequate lubrication, it can become uncomfortable.
“Lubrication increases the comfort and speed with which you can penetrate the vagina and grind against the clitoris,” says Friedrichs. “But sometimes, no matter how turned on a woman might be psychologically, she can have trouble getting wet.”
Try a couple of drops of lube on the end of your tool. Then thrust with short, rhythmic strokes while pressing your body against her pubic mound. Don’t use too much lube or it’ll feel like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.
Consider a pack of Astroglide “lubricant pillows” ($6 for 12, condom.com). It’s much nicer to pull an individual foil packet out of your bedside drawer than to use a sticky, half-empty tube. (
THE NECK WARMER
Our necks are highly responsive touch pads—the skin is thin, and the blood vessels are close to the surface. Psychologically, it can remind some women of “their first sexual experiences, which could make it even more exciting,” Friedrichs says. No hickeys, please: Don’t suck.
When you’re having sex and she’s clearly moving toward orgasm, brush your lips from her collarbone to her jaw, then give her neck big, warm kisses until she comes unhinged.
For a verbal girl—and there are a lot of us out here—a string of four-letter words whispered in the heat of the moment can work wonders.
“Start by complimenting her or talking about how good what you’re doing feels,” advises Friedrichs. If she doesn’t say anything back, she might not be into it. If she responds with “Oh, yeah” or a similarly enthusiastic phrase, she wants more.
“Nothing makes me hotter than when he describes what he’s doing to me in explicit language,” says my friend Lana. “But I’m picky—there are certain terms that drive me wild, and others that make me cringe.”
Build a glossary: A goofy conversation over drinks about which anatomical nicknames are the sexiest isn’t a bad idea. And if she ever seems horrified by what comes out of your mouth, just say, “Sorry about that, I got carried away.”
Final note: Skip cheerleader comments like “C’mon baby, you can do it!”
THE DREAM MACHINE
“It’s a simple fact that some women can climax only by using a vibrator,” says Friedrichs. If your partner never hits her high note, no matter what you try, simply ask her if she’s ever had a battery-assisted orgasm. If she says no, introduce her to a whole new world of wow by ordering something small but powerful, such as the Aqua Touch Vibe ($26 from goodvibes.com). And if she’s really into the idea of adding some kink to your routine, check out this round-up of the best sex toys for men.
If she’s over the age of 30, her answer will probably be yes, and she’ll be more than happy to pull her Hitachi Magic Wand out of her bedside drawer. After asking what pressure and speed she prefers (many vibrators have several settings), all you have to do is hold the vibrator against her clitoris as you move from one position to another. Enjoy the magic show.