Being dominant during sex can be super hot when it’s done respectfully and consensually. But for many men, sexual dominance just doesn’t come naturally in the bedroom. Now, that’s not a problem if your partner (or partners) doesn’t want a more dominant man in the boudoir, but many people do, and if you want to please them, it would help to learn a few tips.
Of course, only behave dominantly if it’s something that interests you, too. You shouldn’t do it just to please your partner. If you feel extremely uncomfortable commanding your partner sexually or using dirty talk, then maybe it’s time to explore a sexual kink that appeals to you both.
But if you do want to become more dominant in bed, and you simply have no idea where to begin, then, my friend, you’ve come to the right place. Here, Cory B, a sex educator and kink coach, and Katarina “theDommeKat” Pierce, a fetish wrestler and pro domme, explain how to become more dominant in the bedroom. Buckle up, boys, and learn from the pros.
How to not cross any boundaries
First, we need to address how to be dominant consensually. Before you get naked together, talk to your partner about which things are on the table and which things are not. You can do this right before having sex, or you can talk about boundaries well before, when you’re not about to get down and dirty. That way, when you’re all horned up, you can just get right to it. “Talking about it before also gives you and your partner(s) the chance to imagine what it would look like and how you might navigate play,” says Katarina.
Even if you’ve already discussed what you want to do, you still have to get affirmative consent from your partner when you’re actually getting down—and there are ways to do it dominantly. “Saying something like ‘Here’s what I intend to do to you…’ and telling your partner all of the things you plan to do can be really hot,” says Cory. “After you’ve told them what you want to do, go ahead and say, ‘Nod your head if you’re ok with that.’”
Make minor changes in behavior
You don’t need to go full Batman voice in order to become more dominant. If you go from zero to 60, your partner will be like, “What the heck is going on?” Instead, there are little tweaks you can make in bed that will make you appear and feel much more dominant. Start with these:
Maintain eye contact
“Nothing says, ‘I am going to fucking devour you,’ like steady eye contact before a kiss,” says Katarina. “Eye contact lets them know you’re in control.” Cory adds that you can also tell your partner to not look at you. That’s also a way to exert your dominance.
Hair pulling, if done right, can be sexy, controlling, and not painful at all, explains Katarina. What you’ll want to do is run your fingers through your partner’s hair so the palm of your hand is against their scalp. From there, make a first. “You’ll gather up their hair rather than pull it from the tip, which pulls painfully at the roots,” she says. “It’s dominant, primal, and it says, ‘I have you. I am so caught up in you. I need piles of you.’”
Throw out words like “Daddy,” “Sir,” and “Master,” to denote who’s in control, suggests Cory B. “Use whatever word that makes you feel the most powerful,” she says.
Don’t be afraid of dirty talk! Before you hit the bedroom, you’ll want to ask your partner which words they like and which words are off limits. (Some people, for example, hate being called “bitch” but love being called “slut”—or vice-a-versa.) “If you need some inspiration, watch some porn and borrow a few lines,” suggests Katarina. “Trust me, no one has a copyright on ‘Fuck me harder, baby” or ‘Shit, your pussy feels great.’” (Need more explicit dirty talk advice? Head here!)
Give positive affirmations
Let them know how they’re doing in a sexy and affirming way. “Saying ‘What a good girl’ or ‘I’m very impressed with your slutty mouth’ keeps the mood going while also communicating to your partner that they’re doing a good job,” says Cory.
Use your bodyweight
You can tie up your partner if they’re down for that, but you don’t necessarily need to take it that far to assert your dominance. You can push your partner up against a wall when you kiss them or wrap your arms around them while you’re on top of them, letting them feel your weight. “There’s almost a ‘bondage-y’ element when you do this,” says Katarina.
Don’t ask, just tell
We don’t mean this in the context of consent—you should always ask for that. But let’s say your partner is grinding on you quicker than you’d like. Instead of saying, “Could you go slower?” just look them in the eyes and say, “Slower.” “Be sure to give a moan or something after that lets them know that the instruction was not a criticism but a command, and they totally nailed it,” Katarina says.
Don’t forget aftercare
Sexual aftercare is an essential part of any play that involves power exchange. It’s provided to a person after a sexual experience to help them process, come down from, and recover from that experience. This can be done by simply holding them, asking them how they’re feeling, getting them water to hydrate, and so on. “If you are lucky enough for someone to submit their power to you, you have a responsibility to take care of that person after you have given their power back,” says Cory. “Ask them what they need afterwards, and make sure to check in on them the next day as well.”
Zachary Zane is a Brooklyn-based writer, speaker, and activist whose work focuses on lifestyle, sexuality, culture, and entertainment.
Source: Mens Health