hat a wonderful question! You’re not alone in your attraction to more dominant partners (btw, I’m not talking someone who necessarily experiments with BDSM, but someone who is totally comfortable being assertive and taking the lead).
For women (or those who identify as such), the tendency to gravitate toward people who are willing to take the reins in bed may be particularly strong, as some experts (including myself) think there’s an evolutionary bias toward it.
Here’s how the theory goes: Because female mammals are born with a limited number of eggs (while males generate sperm throughout their lifetime so have an unlimited store), they tend to be more selective about their mates. There’s evidence that your ancestors preferred dominant partners, too—women who mated with stronger males were often better equipped to keep themselves and their offspring alive and safe from predators.
Also worth noting here here: Testosterone, a hormone that men tend to have a lot more of, is linked to dominance.
That’s not to say all women like being the accommodating one all the time, but it means that the habit may be rooted in our DNA.
There’s also a social component at play: Despite the strides feminism has made toward gender equality in society, traditional gender roles are still at play in the sexual landscape in the U.S. Case in point: Romance novels and movies that portray a bold, dominant male character seducing and winning over a female character are still wildly popular.
On a more personal level, you might prefer a partner who exudes a stronger sexual energy because their tendency to seduce and direct makes you feel sexy and desired. It can also just take a lot of pressure off if you’re following your partner’s lead–you can relax and receive and reposition at their command, instead of having to initiate every move. Whether you’re exhausted from a long work week with your S.O. or feeling self-conscious with a new partner, sometimes you just want someone else “do the work.” Nothing wrong with enjoying that!
If you’re interested in testing the sexual dominance waters, I have a few tips for you.
The first one almost sounds too simple to be true: Just tell your partner what you want.
For example, let’s say you love oral sex, but you always let your partner initiate and execute it. Tell them you want it—and then you can try to get even more detailed, telling them exactly how you want it and even gently guiding their head and mouth with your hands. Sounds scary, but it’ll pay off in a more enjoyable experience overall.
One other trick to try, especially if your partner is so used to taking the lead (and enjoys doing so)? Find a scene in a movie where a person depicts the sexual energy you’re going for, and watch that movie with your partner. It’s the perfect chance to tell your partner how hot you thought that scene was and start a conversation about how you might incorporate it into your own activities.
The bottom line: Women may be evolutionarily predisposed to prefer sexually dominant partners, and cultural norms reinforce these tendencies.