I got married recently and my husband and I each have a child from previous relationships. I love him dearly, but find myself bickering with him over his ex – the mother of his child.
Since we’ve been together he and his family have pussyfooted around her because they’re so afraid of upsetting her. He was with her for only two years and wasn’t interested in a serious relationship, but she trapped him by getting pregnant.
My issue is that she will always find a way to engage in needless chit-chat and puts kisses on every message she sends to him. She also tells her son what mummy and daddy did before he was born, so he can repeat it back to me. She even texted my husband questions about our wedding theme, which was absolutely nothing to do with her and just another excuse to text.
All of this is really getting me down and affecting our marriage. Other than this, things are pretty perfect. When I talk to him about how I feel he says I’m insecure. I’ve asked him to try to look at it from my point of view, but I don’t know what else to do. Am I being unreasonable and am I insecure?
I think you probably are a bit insecure but I’m sure you have no need to be – yes, his ex is irritating, but he’s just walked down the aisle with you, so it’s very clear who he wants to be with.
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable about the amount of involvement she has in your lives. Yes, she needs to text about arrangements for their child, but she doesn’t need to text about anything else. And if she puts 20 kisses on her texts, so what? He doesn’t have to send any back.
You have to acknowledge and accept that she will always be a part of your lives to an extent, but it can be in the most minimal way and only regarding important issues relating to their son – picking up and dropping off, decisions about schools or illness, but not whether to buy a pair of trainers or not!
It’s not easy, but you just have to persevere. Your hubby needs to start limiting his responses to just the important stuff. If everything else is amazing in your relationship, then don’t let her spoil it. I am sure that when she meets someone else, the messages will dry up pretty quickly.
It’s also up to your husband to help his son understand that mummy and daddy love him very much, but they’re not together any more. As he gets older he’ll understand better.
It’s important not to say anything negative about his mum in front of him – that’s not fair on the child and you can be certain he’ll repeat it to her.
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