What Women Want: The Rather Excellent Truth
When I write about relationships, I rarely like writing about men versus women. What ‘we’ are like or what ‘they’ are like. It’s a dated concept to think that men are one species and women are another and I think it’s far more interesting to examine types of people. So, all that said, I’m going out on a bit of a limb with this column. I present to you, what (most) women want. (It’s not much).
We want a man who wants to have sex with us. Proper, Neanderthal, red-blooded, buttons-ripped-off-clothes sex. Because we want it just as much as you do. We want you to need to have sex with us. In fact sometimes it’s absolutely OK to think with nothing else but your dick. We do not want you to have mother issues or body issues or intimacy issues. We do not think it is an expression of your complexity if you refuse to have sex with us for weeks on end. We don’t want to be treated like a slut, or a little girl, or a chaste maiden. You are a man and I am a woman and it’s accepted and encouraged that you should just treat me like one.
We want a man who cares about the way he looks. We want you to be clean, with a cool haircut and good clothes. However, we do not want you to be a narcissist because narcissists are boring. We would far prefer a man on the more beardy/belly side of the spectrum than one who obsesses over the way he looks. We do not want to wait in bed for you while you do burpees on the floor. We do not want you to refuse to go to restaurants because you’ll only eat protein and fresh air. We do not want you to spend more time checking your hair than being with us. Yes, we want you to be sexy as hell. But accidentally. You get it?
We want a man who likes football. Honestly. Or rugby or tennis or cricket or whatever it is that gets you going. We want a bloke who is comfortable being around other blokes, with a close group of friends who do stuff together. We want you to put up shelves and drink beer and lift things and barbecue stuff. That’s fine. That’s sexy. But we absolutely do not want a man for whom this is is his only passion. We want a man who knows the difference between Morrissey and Neil Morrissey. We want you to watch films and listen to music and read books and watch sunsets. We want you to be able to geek out about something.
We would like a man who lives for the moment of a relationship. We do not want a man who is going to rush us into anything. We do not want a man who is going to ask what we “are” after three dates, or tell us he loves us after five. We are not interested in false or premature promises of commitment and it is not something that we yearn for. We want to take a relationship slowly, building steadily, making every milestone special rather than rushing through them all. And years down the line, we would also like a man who can talk about the future and not completely freak out. We want to be doing something as simple as brushing our teeth or making toast when he’ll begin a sentence with “when we are married” or “when we have a baby”, and it would have come from nowhere, completely naturally. And we would like to laugh about it but know that somewhere underneath all the jokes, it might happen one day. And suddenly, commitment seems exciting and not some boring inevitability we’re all obliged to do.
We want a man who is fun. We want a man who will stay up late and go out and drink tequila. We want to sweat next to our boyfriend at a gig and spill beer over each other as we dance. We do not want a perennially grumpy man, who likes staying in with a takeaway and shouts at us when we’re dancing on a table with our friends. We want a man who will be naughty with us and go on adventures with us. But as a footnote to this, we do not want a man who is living life like it’s a permanent RAG week.
We would like a man who does not need a mother. But he should be nice to his mother. We want a man who can wash his clothes and pay his rent and make himself beans on toast. However, although we do not want someone who needs fixing, we also do not want a man who is entirely self-sufficient or stoic. It is important what we can support and care for you in the same way that you do for us.
We would like a man who is charming. Someone who is polite to strangers and kind to our friends and will talk to our mother about her boring new hobby. We do not want a smarmy man, or a lecherous man, we don’t want an exhibitionist, or a loud-mouth. But we want a man who we can float out into a social event like a boomerang that will swoop through the air with ease and eventually come back to us.
And finally, we would like a man who sometimes pays for dinner, not because it makes his dick feel big but because it’s a nice thing for one person to do for another person. We would like a present on our birthday and the occasional bunch of flowers. We do not need you to spend lots of money on us. We do not want you to sometimes buy us dinner because we want to be kept or because it is your duty as a man. We want you to do it as readily as we would for you — because as well as being our boyfriend, you should be our friend. And friends care about each other and respect each other. And if friends don’t look out for each other — who will?
See? Not that much.