How Do You Avoid Getting Too Attached Too Quickly?
It’s funny how the term “bunny boiler” has made its way into popular vernacular given that its origin was the 1987 film Fatal Attraction. In the film, Glenn Close’s character was spurned by her one-night stand (with Michael Douglas) resulting in her stalking and literally boiling the family bunny. Now, the term tends to be used by anyone referring to someone who is obsessed with someone else who is not returning that attention. And don’t be mistaken: there are plenty of men out there who could be referred to as ‘bunny boilers’. Don’t be one of them.
It can be challenging when you are surrounded by friends who seem to have success in the dating department if you don’t. Meeting and finding partners seems to be effortless for them and here you are bouncing about in the dating pool hoping to meet “the one”. So when you do go on a date and meet someone you really like, there is a danger of getting attached too fast — and sex exacerbates this.
How To Avoid Getting Too Attached Too Quickly
Get To Know Someone Before Having Sex
Instead of having blinders on, it’s essential to take the time to get to know the other person before becoming too emotionally or physically involved with them. Sex is a physical expression of intimacy and love, but sex is not love. Physical attraction is extremely powerful so sexual urges can be difficult to resist in a social environment that says “go for it”. But if you are truly interested in establishing a real and lasting relationship, you won’t want to go directly to the bedroom and then wake up weeks later, realising that you have nothing in common apart from physical attraction which is now beginning to wear off.
Additionally, often the behaviour or features of someone that initially really attracted you can be the same ones that cause you to break up further down the road. For example someone who is very spontaneous and exciting when you meet them can be fun, and then later on really annoying.
Remind Yourself Of Your Life Without Them
But think too about your own behaviours after you meet someone you really like. Are you waiting constantly for an email or a text to just have the tiniest inkling that they might be thinking of you? Are you constantly looking at their Facebook page to gauge some idea of what they might be up to, who they are with, what they are doing? Do you find yourself angry when they don’t respond immediately to your messages, or you don’t hear from them for 24 or 48 hours? Being needy can be fatal to building a relationship whose foundation must be made in trust.
The best sanity check is to remind yourself that a week or two weeks or a month ago, you did not even know this person existed. Now that they have been introduced to your life, has your day-to-day existence suddenly gone on hold? Give yourself a talking to and crack on with what you normally do day to day. Enjoy their company but don’t base your life and existence on their presence and acknowledgement.
How To Avoid Someone Getting Too Attached Too Quickly
What about if you are on the receiving end of this type of obsessive attraction? You’ve met someone and they seem slightly too into you. The texts and emails are just a tad too frequent and needy, requiring you to respond constantly to the point of it becoming annoying? It may be time to take stock and have an open and frank conversation with them the next time you meet to establish boundaries around communication. This is territory where mistrust, jealousy and irrational behaviour can begin to fester into obsessive behaviour.
In most cases where the attraction feels irresistible, the main thing to keep in mind is that these relationships aren’t likely to last no matter how attractive your potential partner might be. The reality of obsessive attraction is more based on an idea of the other person than really knowing who they are and how you fit together. And it’s best not to invest time and emotional energy into a relationship that won’t last. If there’s any sign of a bunny boiler, put the flame out now and take the pot off the stove. It’s just not worth it.