Need A Funny Pick-Up Line? Ask These Comedians
Approaching the opposite sex as an adult is like trying to control your genitals as a teenager. No matter how hard you try to be cool, your body – or more specifically, your mouth – risks showing you up. As comedian Louis CK eloquently puts it: “Everything in your body is telling you, just go the f*** home and jerk off.” But the human race has to continue somehow. So if comedians have the gift of the gab in life, surely that might stretch to dating? Or…. not. Here are the chat-up lines they’ve tried, heard or are still soothing a slapped face from.
“I’ve never really subscribed to the chat-up line thing. Obviously the best chat-up line is, ‘Will you hold my pint while I go for a shit’. Because if you find a girl who says no problem she’s a keeper.”
Note: there’s no backing out if she says, “Sure, I’ve just been for one too.”
“If you’re a guy, and you just ask a woman to do a specific thing at a specific time — just that alone makes women’s vaginas go insane. ‘What? Actually inviting me to do something? Oh my god, that’d be the most amazing thing ever!'”
Bona fide (possibly boner-fied) wisdom from Master of None star Ansari, who co-wrote a dating bible called Modern Romance.
“My line was: ‘If I was taller, would I have a chance?’ Instant laugh. Instant reaction. Sex right after.
Has a line ever backfired? Yes, the line was: ‘Would I have a chance if I was taller?’ Pretty much the same line [and it] hasn’t worked a lot either.”
The lesson? A true wordsmith doesn’t blame his jokes but his audience.
“Do you have any Indian in you? Would you like some more?”
“The word is ‘LEGS’. Spread the word.”
Bollywood comedian Das picks a groin-based theme and sticks to it (but unlikely sticks anything in it).
“I’m here. What’s your other two wishes?”
“Hey, can you ask your boobs to stop staring at my eyes.”
“Would you like to meet Ricky Gervais?”
As part of his Hello Ladies tour, Stephen Merchant tried his ‘best’ lines. That’s ‘best’ used loosely.
“The best way to go is honesty in a pick-up line. I’ll go up to a woman and I’ll say, ‘Can I buy you a drink?’ If she says yes, I’ll say, ‘You are wrong, I am broke’.”
The star of last year’s America’s Got Talent shows that honestly is, in fact, the worst policy.
“Hey, do you want to lie down? You must be tired ‘cause you’ve been running through my mind all day.”
“Woah, woah, woah, your hand – it looks a little heavy. You want me to hold it for you?”
“Is your name Google.com? Because you’re everything I’ve been searching for.”
James Corden’s ‘pickup-line off’ against Robin Thicke on The Late Late Show proved he’s charming in – and out – of the Carpool car. Kind of.
“I went home with this French guy because he said something adorable like, ‘I have an apartment.'”
“One time I slept with a guy because he walked up to me in a bar and was like, ‘When did this guy get here?’ And just pointed down and he had an erection. I was like, that’s hilarious, let’s do this.”
Amy Schumer takes thinking with your penis to a new – surprisingly successful – level.
“You look very sophisticated madam if you don’t mind me saying. My cup of tea, you are. You look a bit posh and a bit dirty. The best combo in the business. [Pause] No, you don’t look posh.”
On his ‘Out Out’ Tour, Micky Flanagan ditched the notoriously well-received approach of complimenting a woman and tried to be funny. Lucky for him, he is funny. Many aren’t.
“We have that line, if you’re talking to someone and getting on well, ‘Do you want a cup of coffee?’ And if they go, ‘Yeah, OK’, then sex is on, yeah. That’s the unwritten rule. Doesn’t always work. If the president of Burundi says, ‘Would you like a coffee?’ you’re not supposed to go, ‘Phroar, I’m in here!’”
Now we know why there’s always a 10-minute queue in Starbucks. Sex.