Real Solutions To The Six Most Common Relationship Complaints
In a not-so-uplifting recent study, researchers found that only 3% of couples are happier after getting married. Why? While many of us change to some degree after getting hitched (you know you’d never have worn that sweater when you were single), many of us see more changes than we’d like after swapping rings.
According to a survey of 2,000 married and divorced men and women by Gardner Leader solicitors, 46% of us believe that our partners have changed considerably since walking up the aisle – and it’s definitely not for the better but for the worse. Surprisingly, having less sex than expected is pretty far down the list of complaints.
It doesn’t paint the happiest picture that 76% of married couples are willing to ‘put up with it’ and ‘stick by’ their partner and 18% are co-existing to avoid the cost and stress of divorce. So we put the six most common complaints to relationship expert and co-creator of Access Consciousness Dr. Dain Heer to see what possible solutions are out there. Surely there’s a way to make things better rather than trudging through married life bored and unhappy (22% of those surveyed), if only for your own sake.
40% believe their partners turned moody and/or angry after marriage, the most common complaint according to the surveyâ. What’s your number one tip for handling a partner who becomes moody and or angry often?
Ask your partner if they still want to be with you or if the relationship is over? And if they answer that they still want to be with you and the relationship is not over then ask them a simple question like, ‘What is going on in your world? Are you aware that you often seem too angry? Is this something I did or something you need support with?’ Usually people get angry when they have resentment about something they can’t express. If you can have a conversation and get to the source of the resentment then usually the moodiness goes away. People also get resentful when they don’t want to be in the relationship any more.
What’s your best advice when a partner feels the romance has died (the second largest complaint for almost a third of both men and women in the survey)?
Romance dies as a result of judgement. What you want to do is write down all of your judgements of your partner and ask yourself ‘Will I let these go?’ Maybe burn the list or destroy it, and then put your arm around your partner and say, ‘I am so grateful for you. I know with you in my life everything is going to be okay.’ You do this every single day and start expressing your gratitude for her, to her, out loud and mean it. Then find three things you are grateful for her on a daily basis and tell her every single day. As your gratitude for her grows so will your lust.
37% of men moan that their wives have put on weight after marriageâ. What would your advice be to them?
Ask ‘Did I get into a relationship with them or their body?’ If it is someone you want to have a relationship with, you need to get over your judgements of them putting on weight – because what you don’t realise is someone that is putting on weight is usually in huge judgement of themselves, so much they won’t talk about it, which means they can’t change it.
When you take your judgement out of the equation and you determine you will love them no matter what body, shape, or size they are, and you’re congruent with that, often that allows them to change their body. This is because it is the continuous state of judgement that keeps their body putting on weight.
Lastly have gratitude for your partner. What if it happened to you and you were the one putting on weight? Would you want your partner judging you? Judgement is the biggest killer of any relationship.
âA common complaint (from a third of women and a quarter or men) is that their partner listens less and ignores more than they used to? What is the most effective thing you can do here?
Realise you have lost value or status in his or her life. Also look back to the past with a brutally honest eye to see if it is something you did that created this issue, or whether it’s something you both did to create it. And if it is something you did, apologise for it and if it is something you both did, ask if you can talk about it and get counselling around it.
The research shows that a third of men (and 14% of women) complain that their partners never wants sex any more. How would you handle a lack of sex in a relationship?
Decide if you still want to be in the relationship and with her and if you do start telling her how grateful you are for her [research shows that having gratitude for the ”little things” in relationships can boost feelings of happiness and romance]. This will enable you to give her everything she needs so she will be able to open up to you [sexually] again.
What’s your number one tip for handling a partner who doesn’t want to go out any more or has become a bit lazy?
What I find is often people start to ‘divorce’ themselves during a relationship, which leads to stagnation. They give up what they liked to do in order to show their partner they really care. What was it your partner liked doing when you first met? Encourage and invite her to do that, as these are usually the parts that you fell in love with in the first place.
Encourage your partner to take one hour a day, one day a week to do something just for them. It will get the endorphins flowing. Also what can you do to create a sense of adventure? Could it be as simple as committing to a date night once a week? And lastly, a relationship is choice. Choose to be in your relationship everyday. Wake up and make the choice to be with your partner.
Dr. Dain Heer is a relationship expert, international speaker and the co-creator of Access Consciousness. Dain is a bestselling author whose books include Being You, Changing the World and Divorce-less Relationships. He hosts a regular radio show Voice of America and has been a guest on hundreds of nationally syndicated radio and TV shows. Follow @dr_dainheer.