10 Things You Learn About The Opposite Sex When Your Best Friend Is A Woman
There are certain things a man can only know if he’s had a woman tell him everything. And we mean everything. From details you didn’t know were discernable with the human eye when she finds Mr. Right to tears coming out of places you didn’t know had tear ducts when she’s at her lowest of lows, these are the surprisingly wonderful things you find out about the opposite sex if you’ve ever had a female best friend.
Being spontaneous isn’t always endearing or bohemian
Your BFF will tell you fairly quickly that women don’t think its louche or charming to text at 7pm saying ‘wanna do something tonight?’ What goes through a woman’s mind is simply, ‘if you like me that much, you would have made plans before now’. This is intuition pure and simple. We texted this late because somebody else blew us out. Women know this. Don’t think they’re going to be flattered.
Crying is actually useful sometimes
Ever noticed how much better you feel after a good cry? Of course not. We consider it weak so we’d rather get angry with a call centre worker in Dumfries whilst on hold to Sports Direct. Or mow the lawn very very aggressively. Women teach us that crying is actually a far better way to feel better. Just don’t do it in pubs. The world isn’t yet ready for that.
Being a man with male mates is so so simple
This is compared to the travails of a female friendship group, the dynamics and complexities of which are more complicated than the Hundred Years War, and about as easily resolvable at times. Men don’t have to deal with this. Be grateful. Be very, very grateful.
Women can hold their drink (when they want to) every bit as well as you — if not better.
“I can’t usually drink that much during the week,” says your BFF as she drains the last of her fish bowl sized glass of wine and lurches off to the bar to order another. Never underestimate how much a bad day at work can propel women into an evening of drinking enough booze to sink the QE2. Binge drinking is not a purely male indulgence. Women do it too. They just do it better. And they don’t complain as much about hangovers.
Practical advice in a crisis is about as useful as chopsticks in a soup bowl
We’ve all been in over-heated pub rows where the resident Ban Ki-moon will advise that we calm down. It sometimes even works, albeit usually briefly. But having a female best friend will teach you that saying ‘calm down’ to a woman having a crisis is akin to pouring petrol over a chip fire. As is giving practical advice. There’s only one thing for men to do in situations like this. And it’s a difficult one for many of us. It’s called ‘listening’. Try it sometime.
Women genuinely can multi-task in a way that men find inconceivable
Yes, I may be generalising a touch but in my experience, BFFs are extraordinary in terms of giving an insight into the comparative failings of a man’s brain. This writer has seen his BFF cook a roast dinner, do a conference call to Milan, fix a leaking tap and eat bruschetta all at the same time. Men simply cannot do this. And if we did, the result would be a still leaking tap jammed with roast potatoes.
Women DO NOT want a metrosexual man as their partner
Your BFF (best female friend) may want you, as her platonic buddy, to be sensitive and understanding to a fault when it comes to discussing life, love and the universe. But it’s a colossal mistake to assume that this is the posture you should assume when you’re away from her and with women you want to be more than friends with. Ask any woman honestly about what they want from their partner and you’ll see the inner Darwinism before too long. Even in 2016, if you put a truly metrosexual man in front of a woman, they usually won’t be interested. So, no matter how much your BFF adores you, don’t use this as a template for your dating technique.
Going AWOL as a friend has consequences
Doing a JD Salinger (or a bin Laden) and staying off the scene for a prolonged period may not bother your male friends too much. Mainly because men don’t tend to text each other saying ‘I miss you’. Doesn’t mean they don’t though. And your BFF will say things like this to you if you vanish for a while. It doesn’t make you enigmatic or daringly mysterious. It makes you a shit friend.
You do get weirdly protective and irritable when she does find Mr. Right
“You must meet my best friend, you two would really get on.” This is what many women say as an intro to getting their new squeeze and their best male mate together. Sadly its naïve. As much as we know our BFF is platonic, we do get weirdly paternal when they get a boyfriend. Is it because we’re secretly in love with our BFF? Well, sometimes. But it’s more likely that we simply know that the time we get to spend with our female mate is about to rapidly diminish. Childish? Selfish? Yep, all of the above. And we’re sorry. But we probably still think he’s “not right for you”.
The ageing process is so much more damn easy for a bloke
Men become silver foxes. Women become cougars. Which would you rather be? Buy your BFF a drink. She probably needs it to deal with this gross unfairness.