Social Media Posts All Couples Should Be Banned From Sharing On Valentine’s Day
It’s bad enough that every restaurant is full of candlelit tables-for-two, featuring couples mooning at each other over a set menu meal deal and ordering one dessert with two spoons. Nowadays, there’s no escape online from Valentine’s Day irritation, as soppy couples infect our social feeds too. Here are the 11 types of posts we’d happily consign to the heart-shaped bin…
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Lengthy odes to their other half
“OK, so normally I don’t post things like this but…” is how these horrors start, before launching into how they’re the kindest, sweetest, funniest, most beautiful creature on the planet. You’re so #lucky, #grateful and #blessed that they bestowed their love on little old you. They’ve always “been there” for you. So why don’t you tell them “IRL”, rather than making the rest of us feel faintly nauseous with your epic essay? (And also silently quibble about how average and not-that-amazing they are.)
A montage of gloating gift pics
Especially with the caption “boy done good” or “my girl rules”.
Casually checking into a posh restaurant
What? I wasn’t humblebragging, honest, I just needed wi-fi access. Because, um, that’s really romantic.
Date night pics
For starters, calling it “date night” is deeply lame. And for second, pity the poor waiter having to capture your fake smiles, practised poses and raised prosecco glasses for posterity. He hates you.
Using the words “bae”/“hubby”/“wifey”
Sub-rule: pretending it’s ironic doesn’t make it acceptable.
Or pet names. Or the heart eyes emoji
Pictures of them kissing
Put it away, people. We can pretty much hear the slurping and lip-smacking from here. Also, how many attempts did it take to snog while taking a selfie at the same time? Or did you get someone else to take it for you? Either way, such PDAs are sick and wrong.
Pics of bouquets of flowers
Yeah, yeah, we get it. You got flowers. You’ll carry them home on the train with a poorly suppressed smirk on your face, looking all coy when you catch someone’s eye. We don’t need to see endless photos too. They all look the same, for a start: clichéd red roses, garage forecourt carnations or flouncy pink arrangements that makes us feel hayfeverish. And how do you think the girl sitting at the next desk who got no flowers will feel as you smugly snap away, showing off about your lovability? So stop it, Titchmarsh.
Cutesy cards made by their kids
“I wuv oo, bestest mummy in the wurld!!!” written in ham-fisted crayon, with deformed lovehearts that look more like goat kidneys. Not only nauseating but isn’t it a bit… well, incest-y? Often posted by the same “aren’t my ickle ones adorbz?” types who post made-up things their darlings have supposedly said about Donald Trump.
Oh sweet Christ, we can’t look. Oversharey and weird. Like weeing and rubbing your butt all over someone to mark them as your territory.
In fact, anything suggesting they’ve just had sex
We’ve just brought a bit of our lunch up into our mouths. It’s like picturing your parents “doing it”.