Six Signs That Prove You’re Secretly A Sapiosexual
When you think about that beautiful woman who turns on the coffee pot in the morning, who looks equally as sexy in her college sweats as she does in a cocktail gown, and who one of these days, you’ll get down on your knee for and ask her to take a stroll with you down the aisle – you know how you feel about her isn’t just to do with the way she looks.
In the healthiest, happiest relationship, your connection goes far beyond physical attraction and sexual chemistry, and extends to qualities that arguably mean more in the long run than anything else. That is why so many people – and likely, yourself included – identify as a sapiosexual.
Now, before you raise an eyebrow to this funny-sounding term, chill out: Sapiosexuality is merely an attraction to intelligence, above anything else. This does not mean you do not appreciate other parts of the female body, it just means that what’s going to go the extra mile for you in a relationship and under the sheets is the conversation, the banter and the smarts your partner shows.
Having a firm understanding of sapiosexuality will not only make you better equipped to find out what you are looking for if you are single, but it also helps you navigate and discover other, new ways to turn yourself on if you are already in a loving, committed relationship.
Here’s the 101 on sapiosexuality, along with some big signs you are sapio all the way (and why that’s a great thing):
What Is Sapiosexuality?
Before you start imagining a sexy librarian in a work inappropriate outfit, handing you a text book while she rattles off obscure facts, consider this: you do not have to be a brainiac or date one to be attracted to intelligence. “A sapiosexual is a relatively new word that describes a person who views intelligence as their biggest form of arousal with a partner. Intelligence and observing those using it in action is the greatest turn-on for them,” explains author and psychologist, Paul DePompo, Psy.D, ABPP.
Foreplay for you might not need champagne, teasing and oral sex – instead, what could get you amped up and ready for intercourse is having a stimulating debate or hearing your partner discuss, with fervour, something she’s passionately invested in. This level of intelligence is usually reciprocated between both partners, meaning if you are a sapio, chances are, you’ll only be comfortable dating another sapio.
What Are The Pros And Cons Of Being A Sapiosexual?
Being a sapiosexual isn’t something you choose. It’s part of your chemical make-up and your natural attraction level to fellow smart human beings. Because communication and connection are of utmost importance to you, experts say that sapiosexual relationships tend to have a better chance of making it the long haul because the intimacy is on a whole other level that goes far beyond naked bodies.
“This person is much more likely to have a marriage or relationship of ‘true minds,’ over simple attraction. The great thing about this, as we know, is that looks fade but a strong mind is lasting. If you find someone intellectually stimulating, this is likely to last many years more than physical attraction, which is largely dependent on physical attributes,” explains psychologist Dr. Nikki Martinez, Psy.D, LCPC. “If two people are intellectual equals, their longevity is much more likely, and their interest in each other is more likely to remain strong.”
That being said, experts also warn that a sapiosexual needs to be inherently more selective when they’re dating someone because having a true brain melt is essential for happiness within a relationship. “The problem occurs if there is a mismatch and you are either into this person as a compensation for what you lack or that you rate the person on a higher-level because of their intelligence,” explains DePompo.
“This is problematic because that imbalance or rating of the person sets up an unhealthy dynamic of ‘better than/worse than.’ Relationships where partners see each other as equals last longer and are healthier. You can certainly admire their IQ, but it is important for you to own that you have exceptional traits that contribute to the relationship as well.”
What Are Some Signs You’re A Sapiosexual?
If you are nodding along in agreement so far, there’s a big chance that you are turned on by intelligence. But if you are still not convinced that this is how your body and mind truly function, let the pros give you some clear indicators about what constitutes a sapiosexual.
1. You Find People More Attractive As You Get To Know Them
“Ever met someone and, though their beauty didn’t take your breath away, something about how they conducted themselves, how they spoke, and their confidence was undeniably appealing to you? Then as you got to know them, suddenly, they became way more beautiful? This is a clear sign of being a sapiosexual,” Martinez explains.
“[Sapiosexuals] are the type of people who do not find someone instantly attractive. They find that the person grows to be attractive the more they talk to and get to know them. This is because it is their mind, and not their physical attributes, that attract them. So getting to know that this person has a strong and varied intellect will make them more attractive,” she adds.
2. You’d Rather Have A Really Great Conversation Than Casual Sex
This doesn’t mean you don’t want to have intercourse or you wouldn’t have a one-night stand if the opportunity presented itself – it just means that what turns you on and fulfills you is more mental than physical.
“This is someone who is happy in a relationship that is more of true minds than physical. They would often prefer a good conversation over a good make-out session. If they’ve met their equal, this can be a great fit,” Martinez says. “If their partner values the physical connection more, the person must be sure to be more balanced between intellectual and physical stimulation, to ensure both partners’ needs are met.”
3. You’re More Turned On By What They Know Than What They Have
For you, the finer things in life aren’t luxury items that come with hefty price tag or what others would envy. You’re not the type to judge someone by their place in society, their fashion sense or how much money they have, but more by what they know and what invigorates them to personal greatness. “Status, finances, and looks are way down on the list of must-haves (if on it at all). The sapiosexual is not looking for a smart narcissist; they are looking for a person who has a zest for knowledge, learning, and discussion,” DePompo says.
4. You Just Can’t Put Up With Bad Grammar
You might forgive someone who is in a hurry and sends a “Running l8, c u soon” text one time, but the final straw and a big turn off would be consistent bad grammar. You want someone who is on the same intellectual pageas you, and if they’re demonstrating their laziness via iPhone blue bubbles, that alone could be enough for you to say bye.
“You are sapiosexual if you not only appreciate a person who can spell and use grammar that extends beyond a cute abbreviation or emoji, but when their writing style in the form of texts, notes, etc. gives you a literal or figurative woody,” DePompo says.
5. You’re Much More Likely To Find The Diamond In The Rough
So much of what first brings couples together is based on that instant lock-of-the-eyes and scan of each other’s bodies. However, for a sapiosexual, a powerful, intense attraction might happen far later in the dating process, giving you the opportunity to meet someone truly remarkable instead of someone who’s merely beautiful at face value.
“It is the times when on first glance two people do not seem to go together, but when you talk to them you realise how perfectly suited they are for each other. It’s because they are consistently interested in what the other has to say, and they genuinely find this person mentally and emotionally stimulating,” Martinez says.
6. You’re Turned On By Knowledge – In Any Form
You don’t need someone who has the perfect IQ, who’s top of their field or who has a vocabulary that you need a dictionary to decipher. Instead, what gets you going and piques your interest is more about a general, profound love of knowledge, in whatever form it takes.
RELATED: “I Always Learn So Much From You” And 9 Other Compliments That She’ll Love
“A true sapiosexual loves knowledge for the sake of it. The more well-rounded the knowledge, from everyday facts to obscure references, the better. For example, in the ’80s, the person likely to win any edition of Trivial Pursuit would be considered more attractive than the person who could discuss the ins and outs of their Pontiac Trans Am,” DePompo says.
Dating Apps For Sapiosexuals
When someone’s ability to banter, debate and shoot off witty remarks is what gets you going, online dating might feel like a difficult hurdle. Because so many apps and websites highlight superficial qualities – like a bikini photo or how much money someone makes – it can be tough to strike up a meaningful conversation. Before you give up on the swiping game, consider refocusing your attention towards companies that offer a more in-depth approach to matchmaking. Thanks to the requirement of lengthy personality assessments, these digital middlemen of love might surprise you with the people they deliver:
Unlike other dating sites, EliteSingles is more about quality over quantity. Here, you’ll take their personalised psychological test that gets down to the nitty-gritty facets of your personality. Once you complete this assessment, you’re sent five daily matches. By providing your feedback on these pairings, you teach EliteSingles who you’re attracted to and what misses the mark, helping them learn more about your needs. And, hey, this eventually will produce a high-quality single that, hopefully, can keep up with you in conversation.
Check out Elite Singles
There’s a reason why Match has always had a positive reputation in the online dating community. As one of the oldest and most trusted sites, Match have established – and maintained – a more holistic approach to dating. By making it necessary for members to fill out several open-ended questions and answer a survey with hundreds of questions, Match expertly pairs you with people who share your values, goals and interests. You might consider Match an investment – because it is – but for most, it’s well worth the effort.
Check out Match
Dating over 60 means that, more than likely, this is your second or third attempt at love. SilverSingles is here to let you know you’re not alone, and that putting yourself back out there doesn’t have to be scary. A sister site to EliteSingles, SilverSingles uses the same intense compatibility system that EliteSingles does, bringing in the popular big five personality traits to assess five levels of your being: openness to experience, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism.
Check out SilverSingles
Lumen is the first ever app-only dating platform dedicated to the over-50s. The site launched in September 2018, with 100% verified profiles, an emphasis on quality conversation, and zero tolerance for ageism. Lumen aims to provide a safe, welcoming, and age appropriate community for the millions of single, divorced, or widowed men and women aged over 50. There is a free version of Lumen, with which you can chat with up to six singles for free everyday. A paid membership costs £24.99 a month, and grants you access to 200,000 registered users in the UK. Lumen is a great option for any older dater looking for love.
Check out Lumen
Much like Match, eHarmony takes a more serious approach to online dating and has resulted in countless marriages and enduring connections. Here, you’re also presented with targeted matches, making the whole search-until-your-eyes-get-tired a task you can avoid. Just make sure to set aside plenty of time to commit to signing up, since the process will take a fair amount of time.
Check out eHarmony
True story: what connects most couples are shared interests. Also true: if your hobbies and passions are a tad more specific and out of the norm, it can be frustrating to find singles who celebrate those quirks. Created by self-proclaimed geeks, Cuddli promises to connect those who are into “nerdy” movies, games, TV shows and subcultures. Here, you can fill your profile with the special facts that integrate you within this community, and hopefully find women who also want to have long-winded discussions.
Check out Cuddli