The Proper Way to Say She Needs Work in the Bedroom (Without Being a Dick)
Sometimes in a relationship, you’re not sure how to phrase a delicate subject or tricky topic. Sure, saying nothing at all is easy, but avoiding the subject doesn’t do anyone any good. Awkward Conversations provides you with a template for what to say — and what not to say — and why, so you can have those difficult discussions without them turning into full-blown fights.
Being told that you’re bad in bed is the stuff of nightmares, and there’s almost no way to soften the blow of it. If you’re the one delivering the message, you want to be honest all while not coming off like an absolute monster. Luckily for you, we’ve figured out some helpful tips to help navigate this conversation without starting World War III (and without you receiving a swift kick to the nuts).
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1. Ask Her How She Feels About Your Sex Life
Instead of jumping the gun and blatantly stating the problem, find out how she’s feeling. If you feel like your sex life is dissatisfactory, there’s a good chance she’s feeling it, too. Ask her probing, gentle questions to determine what’s on her mind. Acknowledge the fact that it’s not an easy conversation to have, and take it from there.
“Hey, so I wanted to check in about our sex life. I know it’s a bit of an awkward topic, but I think it’s good to discuss these things — how do you feel about it? Is the kind of sex we’re having working for you?”
Getting her to open up first will pave the way for your own declaration, and will help facilitate a productive conversation instead of a fight.
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2. Don’t Put the Blame on Her
“You never want to try anything new.”
It’s best to approach sex as a two-way street .If you place all the blame on her, she’ll be (rightfully) furious and upset. Don’t accuse her of specific flaws in the bedroom — it doesn’t make anyone more inclined to change. Instead, try framing it as a joint issue … or better yet, a potential area for improvement.
“You know what? I think that we could work on our sex life. I want to make sure that we’re having the best sex possible, and that we’re both deeply satisfied. Do you mind if we talk more about that?”
An honest, considerate request to talk about it will almost always yield good results.
3. Talk to Her About Her Sexual Past
This may seem daunting to ask, but there might be something in her past worth bringing up that explains the bad sex you’re having. Maybe there was a poor experience that led her to like and dislike certain things, or perhaps she’s just sexually inexperienced. It could also be that she’s not super comfortable with her body. Sex is rarely ever about just sex, and there’s usually a multitude of other factors at play that determine how it all plays out.
Ask her what she’s liked in the past, as well as her past experiences. The best part of this conversation is that it provides a natural segue into your own recital of things you like.
“I’m so glad I know more about what you enjoy. I had this one girlfriend who would do X — and I loved that. Would you ever be open to doing X, you think?”
In any other context, talking about your exes’ sexual habits would be foolhardy, but this is a good time for both of you to be open about the topic.
4. Explain That It’s Not a Permanent Thing
“I’m not feeling fulfilled by the sex we have … I think we might be a bad match sexually.”
Making blanket statements like this is the worst possible thing you could do. For starters, they’re hurtful. Secondly, they sound undoubtedly final — how do you recover from a declaration of sexual incompatibility? Instead, try:
“I love sex in a relationship because for me, sex really gets better over time. You need that time to get familiar with the other person’s body and know how to make them orgasm … I’m sure that we’re going to get better at having sex with each other.”
Be optimistic about the situation. You’re certainly not the first couple in the world to have had this problem. Don’t tiptoe around it too much, and instead, help her understand that improvement is eminently possible.
5. Offer Realistic Solutions
“How would you feel about a threesome? Just to get us out of our sexual rut.”
Something like bringing someone else into the bedroom to spice things up is a done-to-death idea that she probably doesn’t want to hear. Refrain from mentioning lingerie, sex toys or anal as these are all things that fall exclusively for her to do.
Instead, you could suggest sex therapy. It’s a great step because it’s something you do together, and it’s not as insulting as any other quick fixes. Talking to a professional is a perfect example of a way to deal with problems that’s both mature and responsible.
6. Show That You Care About Her
“I know this might be hard to hear, but I’m bringing it up because the relationship is so great otherwise, you know? I’m sure after working on this aspect, everything will be perfect. I love you, so please don’t take this the wrong way. I just want to have more and better sex with you because of that.”
Think about how difficult it would be for you to hear that you weren’t pleasing your partner sexually — it’s the exact same for her! Be reassuring, and state that it’s not a reflection on your desire for her, or your love. It’s just a self-contained problem that shouldn’t have her doubting herself. Phrasing it this way can hopefully progress toward a more satisfying sexual relationship without hurting her. That’s the best approach to have.
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