Ten Ways To Get Christmas-y In The Bedroom This Holiday Season
With Christmas around the corner, have you thought about what to gift your significant other? Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered. Check out our carefully curated list of the best Christmas gifts for your girlfriend and our roundup of gifts for your boyfriend for inspiration, stat.
That being said, besides traditional gift-giving, sometimes the best gift to give someone is… your love.
In this case, your special, steamy, sensual bedroom-style love.
And why not? The holiday season is all about giving. And receiving. And cuddling extra close with your special someone to stay warm. And getting your fingers sticky snacking on delicious holiday treats.
Well, would you look at that. All of those things apply to sex, too. So, consider the holiday season sex you’re going to have this year — in front of the fireplace, out in the woods on a long romantic walk, under the Christmas tree, or just under a lot of covers when you get snowed in.
So while you’re sipping on some rum-spiked ‘noggy and getting ideas about doing it doggy, here are some Christmas-inspired sex positions to get your motor running. Eat, drink and be merry!
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Very similar to doggy style, where the guy is behind the girl, except he explicitly imagines her as a plucky reindeer who carries the task of transporting her gift-bearing lover all over the world. Most effective when one or both parties wears a festive hat and/or a sexy couples’ reins and bit combination in the mouth.
The Stocking Stuffer
The stocking stuffer is, arguably, one of the finest yuletide positions. While operating, both parties must be upright and against a mantle—specifically with a roaring fire nearby. The lady places one or both legs around the man’s hips as he thrusts upwards and *ahem* stuffs her. There can be chocolate involved if you like.
Santa’s Little Helper
This is the position for ladies who want a little something extra during the love-making session. The real Santa’s helpers are elves, reindeer, and other North Pole monsters, but in this particular case, her little helper is a tiny vibrator getting things ready for sexy times in the spooning position. Best part? Either of you can use it… wherever you want. Although a pro tip is to aim for the clitoris.
Santa Claus Is Going Downtown
This probably isn’t what people mean when they say the season is all about giving, but what the hell. With this position, you can give her everything she’s ever wanted for Christmas (and every other day of the year) with an unabashedly long oral session. While your partner’s sitting up on a couch, you assume the position of getting on your knees between her knees and… well, you probably know what to do. Don’t stop until she pushes you away.
Eat The Fruitcake
If you haven’t joined the booty-eating renaissance, you gotta get on it. Christmas is the time to make that dream come to fruition and what better time to give pleasure than while getting pleasure. Assume the typical 69’ing position, but aim up just a little bit. This works best after a nice hot shower and scrub (for both parties, because no one likes dirty dudes.) Cleanliness and communication is the key, so you should probably tell her before you indulge in her fruitcake. That’s the funny thing about fruitcakes and buttholes, though; they both taste the same.
Okay, ladies, keep an open mind here. Both guys and girls are afraid of testicles — and why shouldn’t we be? The pain of a smacked pair of balls is incomparable and awful. However, with Jingle Balls, the lady treats the testicles beneath her like as politely as possible as she gingerly rubs over and/or tickles her fella’s balls while doing reverse cowgirl. Unlike bells, there should be very little jingling involved, as the only festive sound from that will be yelping—just give them a nice graze with your hands.
The Scrooge McDick
Some of the best kind of sex is the passionate, frustrated sex you’ll have after a long night at your in-laws’ place. Start out with a fuming car ride and then jump each other’s bones the moment you get home. Don’t even take your clothes off, just go at it like a pack of wild reindeer.
All illustrations by Carlee Ranger.