Why Some Guys Struggle to Orgasm From Blowjobs

Struggling to Climax From Oral Sex? You’re Not Alone

From movies, television and other popular entertainments, you may get the impression that getting a blowjob is one of the greatest life experiences for men. And in real life, scores of high-profile men in entertainment and politics have jeopardized their careers and reputations for the sake of oral sex (and those are just the ones we know about).

But regardless of how much you covet a little oral action, there’s another truth to the BJ story: Lots of guys also struggle to orgasm when someone goes down on them.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with not cumming. But it can feel deeply embarrassing for some guys, because so many men have internalized the message that their self-worth is intrinsically tied to how they perform in bed.

While that often takes form in terms of maintaining an erection and not ejaculating prematurely, it can even extend to the point where someone else failing to make them climax can feel like they’ve done something wrong.

A really great blowjob can be one of the best sensations ever, but if you’re putting pressure on yourself to achieve a certain outcome, that’s likely going to dampen the fun for all parties involved. Instead of enjoying the moment, you might find yourself worrying about whether you’ll have an orgasm or not, and the more you start to worry about that, the more likely it is that you won’t have one.

However, while that’s not a great outcome, it’s also far from rare, meaning you’re definitely not alone in this. And on the bright side, there are ways to solve the issue, so keep reading to see what some qualified sex experts have to say about what might be causing it.

How Common Is It for a Guy Not to Climax From Oral Sex?

If everyone you know about blowjobs has come from the porn you watch, or what your friends brag about, you might get the impression that guys always come from this particular sex act. Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that’s not exactly the case.

“It’s more common than most people realize for guys not to climax during oral sex,” says Kayla Lords, co-host of the Loving BDSM podcast. “Contrary to popular belief, penises aren’t automated for orgasms. It’s much more than just ‘apply stimulation, wait for orgasm.’”

Some guys aren’t exactly looking to orgasm at that, either. If they’re receiving a blowjob as a precursor to sex, they may to save that big finish for later on.

“Some people have orgasms from oral sex and others do not,” says Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., host of the Drive Him Wild and Drive Her Wild video courses. “I’d say that the majority of blowjobs don’t lead to orgasm; some people don’t want them to (they use oral as foreplay to lead to other types of sex) and others find that the stimulation simply isn’t enough.”

While that’s not exactly a scientific analysis — data on what percentage of blowjobs lead directly to orgasm isn’t exactly easy to come by — it’s worth acknowledging how much our expectations differ from reality.

Part of the problem, of course, is that talking about not cumming from oral sex isn’t exactly something men brag about. In fact, many guys can be shy when it comes to discussing any perceived sexual shortcomings.

“To varying degrees, men may have physical, mental or emotional reasons why an orgasm doesn’t happen, even during extreme pleasure,” notes Lords. “If it happens to you, you’re not the first person to not get off during oral, and you won’t be the last. “But it’s something that should be discussed more often so guys understand how typical it really is.”

Why Do Some Guys Not Climax From Oral Sex?

While not orgasming might be a pretty straightforward conclusion — it’s simply the absence of an orgasm — determining why you didn’t cum can be tricky.

It’s a situation that could be caused by any number of different things: physiological factors, psychological factors, or factors completely unrelated to you. In particular, Lords highlights “stress, tension and worries that weigh on your mind,” as potential reasons you wouldn’t be able to finish.

“If something from work keeps interrupting your thoughts, it’s very difficult to focus on the pleasure you feel,” she points out.

Not only can the presence of stressful thoughts push out the sexy ones, if you’re anxiety-ridden, you might be activating the sympathetic section of your brain’s autonomic nervous system. Basically, it’s the part of your psyche that’s responsible for harnessing your fight-or-flight mode into action.

Because of how humans are wired, if your brain’s in anxiety mode, you’ll genuinely struggle to maintain your arousal, making it near impossible to actually climax.

Also, there are any number of medical or physiological reasons why you might struggle to either achieve or maintain an erection, and those can act as a barrier to reaching climax during oral. If you’re concerned about that, and it doesn’t appear to be linked to your mental state, talking to your doctor about your erection issues is a good idea.

Then, of course, there’s the possibility that your partner’s oral sex technique isn’t matching up with what you need.

“Some partners move too fast, others too slow,” says Lords. “You might want more sensation, or less. Without the right level of what you enjoy, it’s more difficult to orgasm.”

Just remember that while it might be easy to blame your partner for being “bad” at blowjobs, in reality, pleasure is a two-person game. In order for your partner to get you off, they have to know what works for you — meaning communication plays a huge role.

What Should You Do If You Struggle to Climax From Oral Sex?

If you’ve been struggling to climax from oral sex — whether with a single partner or with multiple partners — your frustration is probably at an all-time high.

Whether your partner swallows, spits your ejaculate out, or you cum on them, yourself or somewhere else, that explosion of semen can feel like a hard-earned victory. After a while, not being able to make it happen can begin to feel genuinely demoralizing.

To help get over the hump, here are a few tips for making sure your next blowjob experience is a successful one:

1. Adjust Your Attitude

One way to address that frustration? Don’t focus so much on what you don’t have. At the end of the day, there’s much more to sex than just blowjobs, and there’s more to blowjobs than orgasming.

If you can accept that not every sex act works for every person, you can enjoy the sensation of your partner going down on you without feeling like you need to cum. You’ll be able to appreciate the act for what it is, rather than judging it against what you think it should be.

2. Open the Lines of Communication

If you feel like you typically climax from oral but haven’t been able to as of late, there are a few things you can try to help. For starters, you’ll want to talk to whoever it is that’s going down on you — and be honest about it.

“Most people are conditioned to believe a blowjob should be all a guy needs, including your partner,” says Lords. “If you need more than that or something’s missing in your partner’s technique, talk about it.”

It might feel awkward to open up about what you want, but good communication is the foundation of good sex. “Just like your partner should be able to tell you what they need to get off,” adds Lords, “you should be able to do it with your partner, too.”

3. Ask for What You Like

Instead of being negative about what isn’t working, you should focus on what you do like.

“Start by letting them know how good it feels,” suggests O’Reilly. “All lovers enjoy positive reinforcement. Tell them how much you love the way it feels, the way it sounds and the way it looks when they go down on you. Give compliments before, during and after.”

Being vocal is your best bet. If you don’t say what you like, how will they know?

“Let them know what you want in order to reach orgasm from oral,” adds O’Reilly. “Do you need more pressure at the base? Do you want more playfulness with the tongue around the head and frenulum? Do you need a faster or more rhythmic pace? Give them gentle directions during sex or tell them what you want as a precursor to sex.”

4. Show Them What You Like

Of course, some people are more visual learners. That’s where actually showing them what works can come in handy.

“Feel free to show them what you want with your hands,” notes O’Reilly. “Don’t grab them by the back of the head (unless you know they like that), but take your hands and guide their hands. Use you hips to gently lead the pace, rhythm and depth. Be mindful of their throat, of course, and encourage them to use their hands as an extension of their mouth, or use yours in their place.”

5. Adjust the Pressure

As previously mentioned, a lot of what makes a blowjob work is pressure — specifically, getting just the right amount. Too much will be painful; too little will make for a boring experience.

“Some penises require more pressure — especially at the base along the lower third of the shaft (sometimes referred to as the orgasmic platform),” says O’Reilly. Many people don’t use enough pressure during blowjobs because they’re physically strenuous; their jaw, lips and mouth get tired quite easily. You can address this by adding your hands into the mix and using lots of lube.”

On the other hand, the issue might be that there’s not enough pressure in the right places.

“Some penises want deeper pressure,” adds O’Reilly. “Once again, you address this by using your hands as an extension of your mouth (or asking your partner to do this). Slather your hands in lube. Attach them to your mouth, and you can ‘deep throat’ without gagging.”

6. Adjust the Rhythm

If it’s a rhythm issue? We’ve got the solution for that, too.

“Some penises simply require more stimulation and greater speed at a rhythmic pace,” explains O’Reilly. “If this is the case, consider using a vibrator. You can use a flat vibe to stimulate the inner bulb of the penis by pressing it right behind the balls along the perineum, or you can use a vibrating ring at the base.”

Then there’s the issue of rhythmic consistency — like, say, your partner’s efforts tailing off before you can get in the right headspace.

The important thing to remember is that not orgasming from a blowjob isn’t a terrible fate.

It could mean that blowjobs just aren’t for you, or it could mean it’s something for you and your partner to work on together. Whatever it is, hopefully the story has a happy ending (in every way possible).

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Source: AskMen