Want to Try Something Wild in Bed? Here’s How to Ask Her
Sometimes in a relationship, you’re not sure how to phrase a delicate subject or tricky topic. Sure, saying nothing at all is easy, but avoiding the subject doesn’t do anyone any good. Awkward Conversations provides you with a template for what to say — and what not to say — and why, so you can have those difficult discussions without them turning into full-blown fights.
One of the great things about having a partner is getting to try new things, sexually. Is there a fantasy you’ve had since college? A sex position you’ve always wondered about? Do you want to explore something you’ve only seen in porn?
But here’s the thing: Having that conversation can be tricky. You don’t want to offend your girlfriend, or make her feel insecure in any way. That’s why we’ve put together a guide on how to ask without leaving her all uncomfortable.
1. Don’t Diss Your Current Sex Life
“I thought we’d spice things up by …”
No, no, no. Avoid the phrase ‘spice things up’ entirely! This is the biggest mistake you could make. It’s going to sound like you’re bored of having sex with her, and might just put her on the defensive right away.
You’re not suggesting something new as an antidote to bad sex … you’re doing it to supplement your existing sex life. Make sure she knows that.
“I think about sex with you all the time. In fact, I was thinking about …”
Start off from a place of reassurance. Meaning, you’re hot for her, and you love having sex with her! This will put her at her ease, allowing you to take the conversation from there without worry.
2. Explain the Context of Your Request
“I saw this in one really hot movie scene, but I’ve never been able to try it with anyone.”
Instead of just asking, provide some background. Give her an origin story, if you can. The more she understands, the more likely she is to give it a go.
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Also, explain that this is a joint endeavor. You’re not asking her for a favour — you’re asking her if she is willing to take part in something with you.
Too many men make the mistake of asking for someone instead of saying how it’s something you’ll do together. The former just sounds like work, not something enjoyable.
3. Don’t Rush Her
“I know this might be weird or scary to hear, but don’t worry, OK? Take your time. Think about it. I’ll be right here to answer any questions you might have.”
Make it clear that you’re not putting her on the spot. Instead, you’re just floating an idea for your future sex life. Let her sit with it for a minute so she can get used to it, especially if the request is more unconventional than trying out reverse cowgirl.
People usually don’t want to experiment with people they aren’t totally comfortable with. As her boyfriend, your task is to make her comfortable. Give her the time and space to consider it. Let her answer when she’s in a relaxed frame of mind.
4. Let Her Set Her Own Boundaries and Limits
“The most important thing is that you’re comfortable with this. Tell me if there’s anything you don’t want to do, or any boundaries you don’t want to cross, OK?”
People are often afraid of trying out new things in the bedroom because they don’t know enough about those things.
She may be worried that that sex position you like would hurt her, or that roleplaying would involve something she isn’t comfortable with. That’s why it’s so important to discuss it beforehand.
Explain that this isn’t a one-way street. You’re not making all the rules, and she is free to set her own. Above all, she can veto anything she wants. This isn’t an ultimatum — it’s two people discussing potential sexual activity.
5. Provide Some Alternatives
Don’t get upset if decides to respectfully decline your suggestion.
There are likely plenty of alternatives that she would enjoy. Take the time to think about it, and make a short list of ideas that excite you. Present them to her and say,
“Here’s some things I like — any that stand out to you? And by the way, I would love for you to make your own list. I hope you know I’d love to make your fantasies happen, too.”
The more options you offer, the more likely she is to choose one. This may even embolden her to come up with some of her own.
6. Acknowledge That Her Pleasure Is a Priority for You
“It’d be much easier to get you off with a sex swing, but what do you think?”
It’s important to illustrate that this isn’t a selfish demand by reminding her that you’re invested in and committed to her pleasure, and her orgasm. She might not have thought about it before. This way, you can make a weird-seeming request sound much more appealing.
Explain to her that you can try out modified, more manageable versions of whatever your fantasy is. If you ensure she has a good time, she’ll be that much more likely to progress and move on to bigger, more unconventional sexual activities.
Finally, be thankful and appreciative of her. Say,
“I love you — thank you for being open to this discussion.”
It may not have been an easy one for her, and everybody likes to be recognised for their effort. The more encouraging you are now, the easier these discussions will get in the future.
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