For the love of God, just buy a vibrator (Photo Credit: Rex)
Yes, that’s right, sex can land you in A&E.
As one couple in Italy recently found out, you practically take your lives in your hands when you do the nasty.
The pair had been at it in the ocean and became stuck together due to suction, meaning they had to be taken to hospital to separate them.
But frankly they got off lightly.
There’s a lot worse that could happen to you while you’re at it. Like any one of these –
1. You snap your ‘bango string’
Aka your frenulum – the piece of skin linking the foreskin to the penis.
It’s probably your own fault for getting carried away while she attempts reverse cowgirl on the beach (a University of Maryland study found these kinds of injury are linked to ‘unconventional locations’).
It probably looks worse than it is but for God’s sake go to the hospital.
2. You bleed after sex
Ladies, we’ve all been there.
Your period isn’t due for another 10 days but you get spotting after / the next day.
If he’s frankly too big and you got a bit enthusiastic it can cause vaginal tears.
Don’t worry, they’ll heal up on their own. Go slower next time and use lube.
That said, if there’s a lot of blood or this happens often, go to your GP as this can, in rare instances, be a sign of cervical cancer.
3. You get something stuck
Ok, so you and your partner have been getting weird with a sex toy / food / some conveniently-shaped piece of kitchenware.
Then it gets lost/stuck.
The more you stress the worse it will be, not helped by the fact that, if we’re talking ass, the sphincter can become tightened and the colon can create a suction effect.
Have a warm bath, try to get it out with lube, if that doesn’t work go to A&E.
Then, if it was a really weird object you got stuck, tell us about it, obviously.
4. You accidentally dislocate someone’s arm
What? This can happen.
5. You accidentally elbow him in the face
What? This can also happen.
6. You have abdominal pains…
Because you’ve been using a potato as contraception.
Condoms, kids, condoms.
7. You go the full Suarez
Biting and sex can be fun. But not if you get carried away… to A&E.
8. You do your back in
God’s way of telling you to start dating people your own age?