First time sex is rarely as good as the movies would have us believe it to be.
Getting to know somebody new, their likes and dislikes, their quirks and habits and preferences in the bedroom – and then there’s the small talk in the morning – it’s a minefield.
And while it’s easy to pretend that you loved every second, when it comes to sex with someone new for the first time there are certain things all women think, but would never dream of saying.
From the size of your manhood to unexpected noises – 25 things all women think the first time they have sex with you.
1. I wonder if he’s as nervous as I am
Because let’s face it, it doesn’t matter how many dutch courage Jagerbombs you’ve necked, it’s still the *first time*.
2. We’re kissing, should I touch his willy?
3. Oh, it’s big
We don’t judge, but we do notice.
Not all girls like a big willy (pain, cystitis, need I go on?), but all girls register your position on the chart.
4. Ditto your balls
Vary immensely and will be noted accordingly.
5. And your pubes
Some men have a forest some men are bald as a coot.
There’s no right or wrong, but your topiary preferences won’t go unnoticed.
Hahahaha this is all so fun and spontaneous and I’m not at all worried you’ll knock me out on the door frame (Picture: Getty)
6. Please don’t try and carry me to the bedroom
Because we don’t care how much you work out, lifting us up semi-naked while trying to navigate your way down a dimly lit hall is never going to end well.
7. Thank God, I’m horizontal
…And can resume the most flattering position available.
8. Is he a diver?
And do I have ingrowns?
Wow, this is such a realistic depiction of sex. Especially the makeup (Picture: Getty)
9. I’m enjoying this, I am enjoying this …
Read: totally not enjoying this.
I wish he’d turn the lights down and stop ‘examining’ my vagina before he goes to work.
Shall I bring it up or shall you?
12. Quantum physics
Of which you could have done a degree in, in the time it feels you’ve waited for him to put it on.
Do I chat while he does it, or just lie here and try to look sexy?
13. I hope we ‘fit’
Seriously, are these sex pics or yoga pics? (Picture: Getty)
Oh, mmm, yes.
15. What did he just say?
Oh man, he’s a talker.
16. S**t, I’ve got cramp
17. S**t, I’m going to fart
18. S**t, I’m due on
19. When is he going to come?
Maybe I’m not groaning enough, perhaps I should turn over, stroke his balls, play with myself…
20. Ok, that’s a weird noise
Oh crap, it was my vagina.
Joke’s on you for deciding to go down on me right now (Picture: Getty)
21. Should I laugh?
No, that’ll kill the moment, but now I’m stifling giggles.
Think serious thoughts, think serious thoughts …
My tax return is due on Monday.
22. Argh, I’m thinking about my tax return
23. Back in the room, back in the room
24. Oh wow, he’s just come
… and he’s noisy.
Which is sexy.
25. ‘How was it for you?’