This GQ Article Might Be The Worst Advice For Going Backdoor We’ve Ever Read
It’s the year 2016, and British GQ may just have posted the world’s worst anal sex advice to their website.
Good news: A slight whisper in the ear is all you need to have anal, now.
“Women like to be surprised,” the article opens, which seems, you know, not true of all women, but that isn’t, in itself, a horrible thing to say. The horrible part starts with the very next sentence: “I read somewhere recently that now it is more respectful to ‘initiate’ to your partner beforehand about wanting to try anal sex via text message, or phone call. Oh please!”
Yes, the new concept — “informed, enthusiastic consent” — is definitely a new thing. Mostly because in the past, it was considered OK to just force stuff on other people, regardless of what they wanted. Other things that were chill in the past: slavery, feudalism, the Spanish Inquisition, and clubbing people over the head with small boulders. Luckily, by now we’ve invented clever things like “text messages” and “healthy, normal discussions” that can help us communicate about things like what to have for dinner, our feelings, or anal sex. Yay!
But, you may be wondering, why let a little thing like flirting with anal rape get in the way of the “good ol’ naughty, dirty sex” that you certainly deserve?
Besides the fact that, you know, that unplanned anal sex is a monstrous experience to be subjected to, in this article’s version of anal sex, it won’t even be much fun for the person penetrating. Yep, the writer suggests you get up in the butthole, the unholiest of holies, with no lube. Why? Probably because the presence of lube suggests forethought, planning, and stopping long enough to give the woman a chance to figure out what’s going on.
With the proper preparations and in a situation where both people are into it, anal sex can be a lot of fun. But attempting/trying to force impromptu anal sex is a near-certain recipe for disaster. Let’s go through a brief list of all the ways this could go wrong.
She’ll probably be annoyed, angry or hurt that you tried to penetrate her in an unexpected and painful way, leading to the immediate cessation of sex, a fight, the unilateral removing of anything anal from the ‘Future Sex Acts You Get To Try’ list, a breakup, and/or any combination thereof. (Also, if you go ahead with it regardless, she could, you know, press charges.)
If she doesn’t get angry, there’s still an incredibly good chance that she’ll just say, “Uhh, no.” In which case, what was the point of trying?
If she doesn’t get angry and she doesn’t say no, she might grudgingly let you pound away at her unlubricated asshole, trying to fight through the pain to make you happy, regretting the day she was born and resolving to never do anal again.
In the incredibly rare scenario where she says yes and doesn’t completely hate it, the whole thing might still end in a giant, shitty mess because she wasn’t given a chance to go to the washroom or have an enema first.
On top of all these horrible outcomes, you’re probably not even going to enjoy yourself. Why? The anal cavity is not a naturally lubricated space. It’s going to be hard to get in, and once you’re in, it’s going to be Friction City. There’s a reason every single anal sex tip article suggests you use lube. USE. LUBE.
Other than that, there’s so much wrong with this 300-word “article” that it boggles the mind Consider gems like “rub your penis over her anus first just to tease, so she can prepare herself in anticipation.” Luckily, rubbing your dick over a woman’s butthole is the magic spell that’ll both mentally and physically prepare her for the unlubricated anal pounding that’s about to follow.
The writer finishes the article by noting that the best sex she’s ever had has always involved surprise anal. That’s great for her. Unfortunately for the future sexual partners of anyone who reads this article and takes it at face value, she doesn’t seem to realize that that’s not a common experience.
This is not how it’s going to go, though.
This isn’t just bad advice, it’s recklessly, dangerously bad advice. It encourages men to be sexually aggressive and engage in thoughtless, quasi-non-consensual behavior; it paints a completely unrealistic portrait of how a normal human woman will respond to unplanned anal sex, and hopes to escape any criticism by noting, as an afterthought, that when she says “no,” you should, you know, stop — as if that somehow saves the whole “try to f*ck her in the ass without talking about it first” thrust of the piece from being genuinely terrible advice.
Whichever editor green-lit this massive blunder deserves a stern talking-to. To advocate for surprise butt sex is about the dumbest bit of sex advice this side of women’s mags suggesting women gently bite their boyfriends’ penises to spice up oral sex.
If you’re confused about why any of this a bad idea, just imagine if the next time you were getting a little attention down there, it was CHOMP CHOMP all of a sudden. Surprise! Isn’t it romantic?