My wife and I have been married for 20 years and have grown-up children. She seems miserable a lot of the time and won’t do anything with me – no bike rides, no walks, no just ‘hanging out’ together while I do the garden or fix cars.
She just shuts herself in the bedroom and all she’s interested in is sex, which isn’t appealing to me at all. Well, not just the act itself – dinner and a movie first would be good, or just some sort of time spent together. Not wham, bam and thank you ma’am!
I explained to her that if she would hang out and spend some time with me enjoying each other’s company, I would be much more willing to end the evening with sex.
So we’re currently at a stand-off and consequently we have no relationship and no sex either.
I need to feel I have a partner and a friend, then sex comes naturally. At the moment, I feel my wife is like a sex worker and it totally turns me off and nothing can happen.
There’s no way I can perform in these circumstances. I need to feel close to her again to give her what she wants. I want romance, but she just wants sex.
Wow, talk about a role reversal! This is the type of letter I’m used to getting from women at the end of their tether because their partner doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body.
It sounds as if you’ve been pretty honest with your wife, which is good, but unfortunately you’re both stubborn and sticking to your guns.
I know it might seem like a cop out and you shouldn’t have to ’force’ her to be romantic, but it might have to be up to you to break the deadlock if you have any chance of a fulfilling marriage.
Take the initiative and book a restaurant and tell her you’re going out – present her with it rather than just talking about it. Then if she still shows no interest, 20 years or not, things are at a standstill and you need to sit down and discuss if you think the marriage has a future.
Explain that, from your side, it’s not that you don’t fancy her but that she’s not making you feel loved, and that she only wants you for sex.
For you, it’s a huge turn off.
I think it’s great that you want to nurture the romantic side of your relationship – not doing so is why many marriages get into difficulty.
I’m hoping that you can compromise – go out for dinner and have sex at the end of it and on other occasions rip her clothes off and have a quickie!
But if she isn’t willing to meet you half-way, then you have to ask yourself if it’s going to be enough for you in the years to come.
More of our agony aunt Coleen Nolan’s advice on your sex, family, health and relationship problems