Don’t Even Try To Convince Her To Let You Go For Her Back Door Without Reading This
The No. 1 rule for enjoyable anal sex is to always use plenty of lube.
Chances are you’ve considered trying anal sex, but something is holding you back. It’s intimidating in concept — could be messy, potentially uncomfortable for your partner, and feels somehow forbidden. Or maybe your partner is iffy on the whole idea.
“There are three key things to remember when engaging in anal sex: relaxation, lubrication, and communication,” says Carol Queen, staff sexologist at Good Vibrations and the author of The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.
Jack Morin, Ph.D., and author of the very first book about anal sex (Anal Pleasure and Health; Good Vibrations published it 35 years ago) said that anyone could enjoy anal sex if they desired it for themselves. That means that doing it for your partner’s birthday, but still dreading it, is not a recipe for a great experience. Birthday or not, try to find your way to thinking of it as an erotic experience that you want to try,” says Queen.
Queen says we can read up on it and watch informational videos to help get to that point — read erotica too, but watch out for the plot line where “It hurts so bad… ooooh, it feels so good.” That’s the wrong message to dispel fear and is unrealistic to boot.
1. What Not To Eat
For safety’s sake, suggest your girl avoid nuts, seeds, anything sharp. “For comfort’s sake, nothing too, too spicy, either. For cleanliness’s sake, things that might encourage a bowel movement — coffee, or really any hot beverage—should be avoided too,” says Queen.
2. How To Relax
Lead up to the main event by a couples’ warm bath or shower and a warm-enough room help prevent her from tensing up. “Muscle tension is NOT your friend with anal play, because it can add discomfort or pain if you don’t get past it and relax. Get her in a position for sex where you can both be as relaxed as possible,” says Queen. (Pile up those pillows!) Take deep, calming breaths.
3. How She Can Clean Out
Many people are freaked out about the mess. “If she’s had a bowel movement already on the day you have your first anal adventure, there will likely be very little fecal matter to encounter,” says Queen. But many anal aficionados want to clean out with a bulb syringe or anal rinse using an enema bag.
“Whether or not you do this step, consider putting an absorbent pad or towel down; these are easy to throw in the trash or washer and then you can cuddle on the sheets with no fear,” says Queen.
4. How To Communicate
Anal sex can be intense, and the person being penetrated must be in charge so they can communicate their needs to their partner, says Queen. Saying “Slow down,” “Take it easy,” or “Stop for a minute” doesn’t spoil the fun — it allows play to go on longer by keeping things comfortable.
5. It’s Not Supposed To Hurt
People often say that “Anal sex always has to hurt.” That’s not true, though. If it does, it’s a sign that you need to slow down, relax, add more lube. “Lubricant is a MUST. Some anal adventurers prefer thick water-based lube, some silicone, and some oil-based, but remember the latter are not condom-compatible,” says Queen.
Condoms help keep things safe — and clean. “Many people start with toys before (or instead of) going on to intercourse. Start small unless you know she likes it larger. Finger play is a great way to find out how much size is optimal, and fingers are smart and savvy. Trim and file nails short; use a glove (that fits well) for ultimate smoothness, comfort, and cleanliness.
6. Test The Waters
You don’t have to go to complete penetration on the first go. “It might be good to play down there first and get used or get the person used to the sensation to help them unlock the brain path ways from seeing this jus as something used to go to the bathroom to a place that can also cause pleasure,” says sexologist Dr. Nikki Goldstein.
7. Go Slow
“Try to warm your finger up under your body before playing with her. Kiss her from head to toe, play with her nipples with your fingers or tongue, then her vagina and then her anus using a little lube on your fingers,” says Nick Hawk, star of Showtime’s reality show Gigolos, which follows the men of the agency Cowboys4Angels, through their daily lives.
Never go from the anus back to the vagina. Forget everything you learned from porn. “That is not the real world and thrusting a woman as hard as you can, especially in the beginning, is not what they want. Cramming something up there too fast and not lubed enough is a good way to assure that she will not go through with the session,” says Hawk.
It may be best not to insert your penis all the way the first time as well. “If you hurt her, she will not want to do it again. It’s even better to let her stick it in and back into it from doggy-style or even ride you and take total control. Tell her you like it when she plays with herself if she’s not completely enjoying the experience or are unsure about it,” says Hawk.
If she plays with herself it will allow her to enjoy it more. She can use her fingers or a toy to do so. Try different angles and communicate so you know which she prefers.
8. Use Lots Of Lube
You can never use enough lube, ever! “Silicone lube is better, more viscous. Switch from coconut oil massage to a thick silicone lube before any insertion whether from a toy, finger or penis. It may seem a bit much, but my recommendation is to slather it on. Better to have too much than too little,” says Laurie Handlers, a sex and happiness coach.
9. Continue Communication
Stay in constant communication. “May I touch you here? May I enter you only at the opening now? Asking how is the pressure? More/less/the same? May I go further in now. And now how is the pressure? More/less/the same?” says Handlers.
Having a safe word is really good, too. “For instance RED means STOP NOW! Agree on this ahead of time. Make sure you both understand that if the receiver says RED, the giver SLOWLY and immediately stops and removes him/herself,” says Handlers.
Never touch the vagina or go near it after having been touching or having intercourse with anus. “The anus has bacteria that can infect the vagina, so it is never a good idea to go from the anus to the vagina without first washing with soap and water whether with a toy, finger or penis. And when using a lot of lube, it’s possible that the lube can drip from the anus to vagina if a woman is facing down with rear entry,” says Handlers. So, it’s important to be careful.