Dear Coleen: My fiance won’t tell me about his troubled past
Dear Coleen
I’m getting married in three months and I’ve been dating my fiance for a year. He is the perfect guy and I have no doubt in my head about getting married to him.
The thing is, he doesn’t talk to me about his personal problems. His mum and dad left him when he was very young and he was then brought up by his uncle and aunt.
I understand that he may have vulnerability issues and it might not be easy for him to open up to everyone, so I haven’t pushed it.
I thought maybe if I confided in him he would be more comfortable talking to me, but that hasn’t been the case.
I’ve told him I feel sidelined because he doesn’t share his problems with me the way he should with his life partner.
He is very close with his brother and I think he shares everything with him.
He said he’d try to communicate better but there are still so many things we’ve never talked about. For example, our future, his career and his business, which he recently started up.
I believe he has problems with his work but he won’t tell me about them. Whenever I open up these topics for discussion, he clams up.
Now our wedding day is approaching I suddenly feel stressed out and unsure of what to do.
Should I just give him space and time until he’s comfortable to confide in me?
Coleen says
I would say that when it comes to his personal issues and his upbringing, that’s something that might unfold in time.
I don’t think you can push him on it. Some people, especially men, find it hard to open up when it comes to very personal issues, even with a partner or spouse.
Maybe he doesn’t want to resurrect it because he finds it painful or maybe he doesn’t want it to become an issue in your relationship.
You’ve only been together for a year and I do think it’s something that will come out as time goes on.
Take me and my husband – I can talk for Britain but he is more reserved. I still find out things about him now, 16 years on, and he just says, “Oh, I didn’t think to tell you”.
What concerns me is you haven’t discussed your future – you don’t seem to know what his business involves and if it’s at risk.
Do you know if he wants kids? Those discussions are important. I’d want to know what his ambitions were.
I knew a couple who married only to find out that one of them wanted children and the other didn’t – it lasted three months!
I think if he’s unwilling to talk about those things, then suggest postponing the wedding.
Hopefully, it will provoke a discussion and put your mind at rest.
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