01. Buy a rug and build a fireplace
They say men get turned on in a very primeval way – based on what they see, or hear, or have Snapchatted to them – whereas women are more complex machines made up of a thousand whirring engines that all need delicately turning on at once. That’s bullshit. Lie on a white bearskin rug in front of a log fire and you just bought yourself the express ticket to fuck city. Population: you, her and a dead bear.
AS SEEN IN: The Dark Knight Rises, Endless Love, City Of Angels, Body Of Evidence
02 . Hang a mirror on the wall or ceiling
As everyone in Hollywood knows, the only way to truly achieve a dark, sexy, intense orgasm is by mounting a mirror on the wall and admiring yourself in it while you’re doing it. Or the ceiling – you can mount one on the ceiling, too. Or in two corner walls, creating an infinite mirror arrangement. Or mirrors on every wall, and the ceiling, and the floor until you are not able to achieve anything even close to an erection until you can see your own bumhole from a hundred different reflected angles. To recreate this at home: just open the mirrored wardrobe door a bit and look at yourself in that.
AS SEEN IN: American Psycho, Basic Instinct
03 Plan a couple of near-death experiences
Swerve a car near a lamppost while narrowly losing a street race. Drag her limp body from a blazing tower block. Accidentally fire a gun indoors. Have a punch-up with a stranger in an alleyway, that sort of thing. Whatever it is: your adrenaline is now pumping, there’s blood on your lips and suddenly you’re having full sex.
04 Install aircon under your duvet
If you’re going to be discovered having sex, it’s most likely you’ll be caught right at the oral stage, with your head beneath the covers and your fingers otherwise engaged. But don’t worry, this is Hollywood: when you emerge from your sex cocoon you won’t be red in the face, oh no. You’ll look just like you got out of a nicely chilled make-up trailer.
05 Get a car
“No, don’t move. DON’T MOVE. I swear I’ve trapped a nerve in my leg. No, my thigh’s rammed under the driver’s seat. CALL AN AMBULANCE. I SLIPPED ON AN A TO Z AND THAT THING WITH A GEAR STICK HAS HAPPENED AGAIN.” That never happens. No, car sex is always super hot. And easy. And really, really comfortable.
06 Buy greek sheets
Women are boob-hiding wizards, their magical apparatus not a wand or staff but a simple folded bedsheet. Just did it? Sheet over boobs. Lying there, panting and exhausted? Somehow the sheet is an L-shape, to better cover her boobs with. Surprised guest bursts through apparently unlocked door? She will sit bolt upright, her boobs demurely hidden. It’s safe to assume girls must have extra classes at school to teach them this. It’s a wonder anyone has ever seen a female nipple at all.
AS SEEN IN: Iron Man, Batman Forever, Bridget Jones: The Edge Of Reason, every Bond movie
07 Stock up on these undies
Out Of Sight
08 Splash out on long-life light bulbs
Hollywood sex: lights on, so bright your bed is illuminated as though floodlit, your toned bodies pummelling against each other in majestic coitus. Reality: lights off with you both under the duvet, until you can barely see what you’re doing or where you’re going, and so she doesn’t comment on that weird aggressive mole on your back.
09 Always have a perfectly ironed work shirt lying around
“Where did… how did… all my shirts are in the wash, love. How did you get a perfectly fitted – and ironed – shirt at such short notice? Was that hanging up in my wardrobe? Can you put it back? You’re going to put dents in it.” No leading man, ever.
AS SEEN IN: Mr & Mrs Smith, Charlie Bartlett, The Wedding Singer, Date Night, 48 Hours, Transformers: Dark Of The Moon
10 Draw a map of her bedroom
If you don’t know at least six hiding places in your girlfriend’s bedroom – under the bed, behind a curtain, in a closet, clinging to a small ceiling alcove like Spider-Man – then just don’t be surprised when an ex-husband turns up, throws a cushion at your dick and kicks you out of his house with no clothes on. You need to be drawing maps from Day One, dude. Figure out which floorboards are viably liftable. Work out how many shoeboxes are under her bed. Know how much human weight her wardrobe can take before toppling over. Think of it like this: you are an army major, and her bedroom is the Somme. Know where the trenches are.
AS SEEN IN: The Last Boy Scout, Nice Dreams, Twins
11 Forget anything but missionary exists
Next time you go to do a sex with a person, just think: is this exotic and gymnastically unviable sex move easy to block? Could an assistant producer feasibly see a nipple with your arm where it is? What about a bumhole? What about two bumholes? Then cool your jets, hotshot. Basic missionary then rolling, spent, on to your back is the only Hollywood sex move you’re going to need.
12 Train a boner to die instantly
Stressful mid-sex episodes – be it a landlord bursting in, ex bursting in, murderer bursting in – necessitate a special trick: killing a boner like a bird shot from the sky. Unless you can teach yourself to commit boner seppuku at a moment’s notice – either physically, with muscle control, or just by thinking about Margaret Thatcher sloppily eating a banana – then you’re not ready for Hollywood sex, buddy.
13 Keep your kitchen messy
The greatest aphrodisiac isn’t oysters, or money, or avocados: no. It’s sweeping a load of pans and plates on the floor as you mount a kitchen work surface for a quicky. If Hollywood has taught us anything, it’s that leaving last night’s pasta pan out to soak can be oddly arousing.
AS SEEN IN: 54, Fatal Attraction, Color Of Night
14 Wean your way off the boob
The only way a bra is coming off when Hollywood sex is going on is, like, if there is an accident, and the bra sets on fire suddenly, and the only way to avoid succumbing to the fire is by unhooking the bra and throwing it in a bath. Otherwise, anything under a 12A is going to be a strictly tops-on affair (or employ lots of Greek sheets: see #06), so lower your boob-looking expectations accordingly.
15 Cancel the gym membership, because anyone can lift up a woman
The only exercise you need to do to hone a Hollywood body is to constantly pick up a willing partner – ideally while she’s wearing white cotton underwear – and kissing her against a wall. No sit-ups, no chin-ups. Just lift up women repeatedly. Use your legs not your back. This is literally all Ryan Reynolds does to stay in shape.
16 Hone your most beautiful sex face
17 Do nothing after sex at all
Welcome to Hollywood, where no women have to immediately pee after having sex, and nobody has to tie a tight knot in a soggy condom, and nobody has to move the bed – gurning nakedly, disgustingly, with the effort – to find the vibrator that is slowly running out of batteries and making a weird sad buzzing sound between the frame and the mattress.
18 Stock up on moisture-resistant sheets
Once – just once – we’d like to see a scene where two actors post-coitally contort themselves around the massive wet patch in the middle of the bed before Chris Hemsworth, or whoever, is forced to put the lamp on and tiptoe through the dark of the bathroom to fetch a towel to lay down on the sodden spot. Just once.
19 Unplug your phone
Hollywood rule #361: someone is always going to phone you, right when you’re getting down to it, and for whatever reason you are going to answer, and it’s always either bad news, or your mum, or both. Put your phone on airplane mode for the duration of your sexy time, because hearing your mum tell you your dad’s been abducted by aliens is apparently a real boner-killer.
AS SEEN IN: What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, Bridget Jones’s Diary, Tomorrow Never Dies
20 Throw away all umbrellas
Sprint through a cul-de-sac in the rain waving a boom box around. Descend from an apartment block in the rain on a rope of your own making. Do a weird Ryan Gosling DIY/rain-snogging session with Rachel McAdams. Sex without rain, according to films, is like toast without butter: dry, unpalatable and doesn’t make a mess of the floor. Don’t do sex unless there’s a chance lightning might hit you midway through.