5 Things To Do When You Love Your Husband But Hate Being Intimate

Your marriage deserves great intimacy.

By Pam Denton
Last updated on Mar 25, 2024

Photo: Katerina Holmes | Canva 

You don’t want to hurt him, yet you don’t want to fake feeling turned on when you’re not. You feel that you must show him that you love him with intimacy, but you feel completely turned off. You fear he’ll look elsewhere, which compounds your stress and shuts you down even more. So what can you DO when you find yourself hating intimacy? Rest assured, even though loathing intimacy seems impossible to change, there are powerful, helpful things you can do to ease back into the juicy flow of it.

Intimacy is woven into the fabric of our lives and it carries a lot of baggage, so there are mental and emotional things you may need to resolve before you crave intimacy again. Addressing these things can positively shift you (your mind and your body) so dramatically that you end up enjoying intimacy more than you ever expected possible. Although your resistance to intimacy feels insurmountable now — you may feel repulsed by intimacy at this point — you need to make an internal decision about whether you’re willing to find a positive thought or feeling of connection with intimacy and grow from there.

Here are 5 things to do when you love your husband but hate being intimate:

1. Open up and talk about it

First things first! Communication and conversation are vital to regenerating your desire for intimacy. Speaking up about it does help. The longer you block the conversation, avoid it, push it away, and make excuses, the harder opening up and talking about it will feel. So, time is of the essence. Speak honestly and openly about how you feel about being with your husband. Talk to a therapist, friend, or marriage expert if that doesn’t work. There is nothing more liberating to your drive than honoring your voice.

2. Rediscover your desires 

After talking openly with your husband, create a secret space to privately write down all your thoughts and feelings, without censoring yourself. Make this your Desire Journal. Use it to note the ebb and flow of your desire as you work to reclaim it. Every woman has desires, but they’re sometimes the last thing we discuss in marriage. Desire in its purest form breeds passion, and as you become passionate again, you’ll find your instincts open up… and yes, this includes loving intimacy! The power of inner desire is one of the most incredible states of connection. Writing down your desires (whether for a piece of chocolate, a warm bath, or a physical touch) is a simple exercise that can help steadily tune you into your natural needs for intimacy. Remember — desire for women involves emotional connection, too, so nurture your desires on all levels to gain your arousal back. 

3. Get in touch with your body

A pen on paper is great. However, overcoming your hatred of intimacy also requires you to connect with your body in an authentic, natural way. Detachment from your intimate self is detachment from your physical self. It’s time to get back in touch with your physical form in loving ways. A great way to begin is by spending time outside in nature — a sunny day reading in the park, or an evening walk by the ocean. Your drive is a direct extension of your connection to natural beauty. So, find ways to take mini-vacations outside every day and reconnect with the earth in some way. Take a walk, go for a run, sit on your breezy porch — slow, deep breaths taken outside work wonders for releasing the emotional tension linked to your low libido.

Next, start spending some time without clothes. Appreciate your body in the mirror and increase your awareness of being in your skin. A bigger leap toward increased intimacy includes yoga, sitting in a hot tub, or going skinny dipping. All of these actions increase your connection to suppressed instincts and help you start feeling turned on again.  

4. Manage your stress levels

The most important thing you can do to restore your desire is to tend to your stress levels. Many things cause stress in your life but some are more potent than others in the past, you used a good climax to release stress, but when you hate intimacy, you need new, alternate measures. Feeling intimately shut down is likely tied to feeling unhappy or exhausted. Stress in your marriage also directly affects how you feel about intimacy. Knowing your stressors (and how to eliminate them) can help reduce the impact they have on your drive. Find a regular outlet for your stress through vigorous exercise, massage, yoga, meditation, and breathing exercises. The more you move your body, the better you’ll feel, and your drive may reappear quickly so you can reclaim your intimacy-loving marriage.

5. Focus on sensuality, not intimacy

All of the advice above aims to get you feeling sensual. Intimacy feels much better for women when there is a bridge to intercourse — sensation. Connect sensually with your husband before you try to resume having intercourse. Slow down and take the time needed to get fully aroused. You have five senses — explore them all! Rekindle your passion through alternate sensual expression, including, candles, aromatherapy, hot tubs, saunas, massage, oils, baths, and chocolate. All of these stimulate your senses, fuel excitement, and help get you aroused. When you love your husband, but just can’t get your desire flowing, you must take action.  Don’t run from the problem. But don’t force yourself to have intimacy either. Instead, start bridging the gap between your mind and your body … as well as the gap between love and desire.

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Dr. Pam Denton is a leadership coach, author, speaker, and the visionary founder of Positive Evolution Consulting.

Source: YourTango