Part of cultivating sexual pleasure in our relationship requires that we take time to debunk, challenge and discard many of the myths and misconceptions we have surrounding sexuality. For it is often these sexual mythologies that we have been told – usually out of ignorance or fear – that compromise our sexual satisfaction by generating undue stress and anxiety in the bedroom. The key to weeding out these false sexual beliefs is by first determining exactly what they are.
For many heterosexual couples, sex isn’t sex unless in culminates with penis-in-vagina penetration. The challenge with accepting intercourse as the pinnacle of sexual success is that we cannot help but also believe that everything else is merely foreplay or that our sexual arousal and excitement can only be truly satisfied with penetration. Unfortunately, it is precisely these limited perceptions that rob us of those feelings we say we want to experience with sex – the spontaneity, the playfulness, the comfort and pleasure.
Creating a hierarchy of sexual activities – with intercourse at its apex – often diminishes our entire sensual experience. It also introduces the possibility of success or failure into the equation. For example, if you judge your sexual encounter as too low on the hierarchical ladder, you may feel cheated or self-critical. A sexual ranking system can also create complications between lovers if there is disagreement about the meaning of a certain sexual activity.
Of course, placing intercourse at the top of your sexual pyramid will bring its own unique challenges. First and foremost, it requires an erect penis and a well-lubricated vagina. If there is any issue with either then intercourse becomes a problem. Also, It is not always the most effective way to bring a woman to orgasm and penetration can sometimes be painful for her and therefore uncomfortable for her partner too. By overemphasizing intercourse, sex often become more goal-oriented toward achieving orgasm and less about the sensual journey; with little or no thought given to the many other erotic delights available.
Fortunately, we are not required to adhere to any sexual hierarchy; no matter how typical. We are free to create our own or not to have one at all. When we engage in sexual play with our partners without expecting it to end in intercourse, we can stop distressing about our performance. We can take our time and focus on those sexual activities we enjoy rather than simply rush to climax.
Worrying too much about which sexual activities are the best, most popular or somehow acceptable makes sex way too complicated. We are much better off discovering what we like, learning how to create it and becoming comfortable sharing our preferences with our partner.
The need to obey some arbitrary sexual ranking where intercourse is the only indicator of success is a restrictive misconception that needs to be discarded. Our sex lives are ours to do as we see fit so why shouldn’t we be creating our own erotic guidelines? ♥