Women are constantly told they need to communicate their needs more to get more pleasure out of sex. “Tell us what you want!” men say. Well … that’s easier said than done!
How do you get your man to do what you want in bed without spoiling the mood or making him feel inadequate?
“I do not recommend a lot of instructional talking in the moment,” says Dawn Michael, PhD, a clinical sexologist and author of Intimacy Guidebook for Couples. In other words, show, don’t tell: Use touch and sound instead. Here are a few ways you can do that.
1. Guide his hands. Don’t like what he’s doing at the moment? Resist the tempation to blurt out “ugh, cut that out!” Instead, Michael advises women in her counseling sessions to “take his hand and show him what feels better.” Use a firm but gentle touch.
2. Make some noise. “Another way to communicate is to make enjoyable sounds and noises when he does something that feels good,” Michael says. “This will ensure that he does it again.” It’s true. But if you feel self-conscious, don’t force theatrical groans. Even sighing can be effective as long as he can hear it.
3. Whisper it. Rather than giving orders, try seductive invitations. “A woman can say in a soft, sexy voice ‘I like when you touch me like that,’ or, ‘it would make me feel so good if you did XYZ…’” Michael recommends. The key is your tone of voice and making it about how he makes you feel.
4. Talk about sex when you’re not having sex. It still makes sense to have a longer conversation about what turns you on. Just pick the right time and setting: During a romantic dinner, over a glass of wine, or even when you’re just hanging out in bed but not having sex. Michael says that it is under those conditions that a woman can most effectively share a fantasy with her man, explaining what turns her on in more detail. “A man is more apt to listen at that point than in the heat of passion,” she notes.
5. Don’t get hung up on control. All this said, don’t become fixated on getting him to touch you exactly the way you want, every time. “When we resist the urge to control, when we keep ourselves open, we preserve the possibility of discovery,” says therapist Esther Perel in her book, Mating in Captivity. “Eroticism resides in the ambiguous space between anxiety and fascination.” So be open and curious to whatever he tries, too.
Most men truly want to rock your world in bed. But they’re working against the myth that just being hard and having stamina is what women want. We’re more complex than that! And that’s a lot of misplaced pressure on them.
The truth is, the more fun sex is for you, the more fun it is for them, too. So, make sure you both get what you want out of your lovemaking sessions.
What do you think is the best way to communicate what you want in bed?