Dear Coleen: Why can’t I get over my partner’s ‘drunken fumble’ five years on?

Dear Coleen

I feel depressed and angry as I have just found out that my partner’s ex “fancy bit” is taking her child to the same nursery that I’m taking mine.

About five years ago a friend told me she’d found photos of him and this woman cuddling with their hands all over each other. I was distraught as he had supposedly cheated before, but always denied it.

He claimed the pictures were from a drunken night out with friends after we’d had an argument. Normally he never goes out.

A week has passed now since I found out about the nursery and it’s all I think about. I feel so down I even changed my son’s nursery times so I won’t bump into her.

Also, I know that she’s recently split up with her boyfriend, which is why she’s moved back to town.

Why do I feel like this and why am I always in tears because I do believe nothing too serious went on between her and my partner – at worst maybe a kiss or a cuddle.

I don’t want to swap nursery schools, but I feel I might have to and I don’t want to leave my partner because of anything in the past, but I can’t help feeling so down and gutted over this. Why?

Coleen says

You’re feeling like this possibly because deep down you’re not sure he was honest about these photos or the alleged cheating, and having this woman so close has brought those uneasy feelings flooding back.

Even if nothing serious happened, he still betrayed your trust. Maybe it was just a drunken fumble, but that doesn’t take the sting out of it.

I hope you let him know that you won’t accept that excuse again – ever. You can’t be worried that every time you argue, he’ll behave like that.

But if you’ve decided to move on from it and your partner hasn’t put a foot out of line for five years, then don’t let her reappearance threaten your relationship.

I understand you don’t want to bump into her every day at the nursery gates, so I think it’s fair enough if you want to change the times.

It’s natural to have these feelings. Of course her turning up at nursery is going to throw up insecurities and trust issues from the past – but just try not to let them get out of control and spoil a relationship that’s otherwise going well.

* More of our agony aunt Coleen Nolan’s advice on your sex, family, health and relationship problems