I am 99.9% sure my husband began an affair with someone at his office two years ago (I don’t know who) and I believe it went on for around a year.
I have a lot of what might be called circumstantial evidence, but nothing that would force him to confess.
I have been consumed by this. I feel like I am obsessed with finding out the truth. Since that time, I do not trust him out of my sight.
I suspect there have been other affairs with other co-workers before this, but I don’t have any evidence of those either, just suspicious behaviour.
I worry every day that he’s trying to hook up with someone else. I have seen women at work smile and wave at him, as if they are close to him.
Everything I see, and everything he does and says, appears to be suspect to me. I feel like I am going crazy. And he only wants sex with me about once a month, sometimes less.
For a while, I wanted to get him to take a polygraph test, but then I realised that, if he passed it, I would still doubt him, and if he failed it, he still wouldn’t admit anything. He would just say the test was wrong.
We fight often about trust issues, and also the ‘affair’ in particular. I realise I should probably get a divorce, but I’m in a bad position to do so. I haven’t worked for five years and I have no one to stay with if I were to leave.
I also have a serious illness and our health insurance is through his job.
I don’t see how we can get past this if he won’t admit to it.
What do I do? Should I keep trying to find the truth or try to leave it in the past? Should I give up and try to find a way out? I know I’m driving us both nuts.
Say you find out the truth tomorrow, and you’ve been totally right all along, what are you hoping for from that? You’ve already told me you’re in a bad position to divorce him.
What’s the difference if that affair is confirmed? If you’re saying you can’t divorce him, then stop looking for signs and driving yourself insane.
I understand how you feel, though. When I was having problems in my first marriage I turned into someone I didn’t even recognise. I was sure my husband was cheating, but didn’t have enough evidence.
Two years down the line when I found out I was right, I wanted to kick myself because it seemed silly that I was obsessed with finding proof.
The bottom line was that I didn’t trust him and I should have ended it then. But I guess it just felt weird to say ‘I think he’s having an affair’.
I just don’t know what you’re looking for by having this ‘affair’ confirmed, so that’s what you have to ask yourself. The danger is, by constantly accusing him of cheating, you might drive him to it or he’ll dump you because no one wants to be in that kind of relationship.
You need to get control back. Ask yourself, ‘OK, if I do walk in on him with someone tomorrow, what am I going to do about it?’ Will you stay with him anyway, or will you work at finding a way to leave.
That might be the only way you’ll find peace of mind and, ultimately, a happier life.