First of all, who’s laying next to you?
I can practically see you rolling your eyes! Another article on finding Mr. Right to go along with the thousands already out there. I feel your pain. Yet, as a relationship expert and coach, I promised to bring you the information you need with no B.S, and I plan to keep that promise.
I was fortunate to spend an enlightening hour speaking with one of my colleagues, the Renegade Sex Expert (David Shade) when I was writing my book. As an ‘alpha’ woman myself, I was itching to speak with him about how a ‘woman who runs it all during the day’ can find a great love (with great sex) at night.
Let’s start from the beginning.
The #1 reason women aren’t blissing out in the bedroom.
The number one reason why so many ‘alpha’ women aren’t blissing out in the bedroom is their inability to let go of control. As strong, successful women who run it all during the day, women need to be more submissive (ie. willing to give up and let go) in order to feel deep pleasure in the bedroom. Seriously, those are fighting words to us ladies!
Sex is a mental playground for women, and in order to achieve an orgasm, we need to feel ‘cherished and adored’ AND not be in charge (even for a little while!). We have to learn to just let go and let the man lead us and take charge of our pleasure.
Trust me, I know that is tough for most of us! For decades I personally had trouble getting my head around the idea that I have to submit to any man until I reframed it to surrendering into my own pleasure.
How to find a man that can lead you to bliss in the bedroom.
I was a longtime career coach and headhunter in a man’s world of engineering and IT. David and I both say the same thing: think of it like finding and hiring good employees and then empowering them. Find a really great guy, one who is not intimidated yet one who is turned on by the power and control you maintain during the day, and then let him do what he is good at—pleasuring you!
But where is he? Where are all the good guys hiding?
Here is where you need to put some detective skills to work on finding that man:
- Men learn to be men from their fathers, so you must find a man whose father was a good role model, whom he respects and who respects and treats his own wife well (ie. your beau’s mother).
- Men learn how to have healthy relationships with women from other women especially from their mothers. Look for a man who has a good, healthy, functional relationship with his mother or a fabulous woman (eg. aunt) who he has a deep abiding respect and admiration for.
- Find out if he is going to be willing to take the lead in the bedroom with YOUR pleasure foremost in his mind. Before you hit the bedroom (or even third base), pose some hypothetical questions to him about sexuality and see how he responds. What will he do when you tell him you ‘like to get a little bit naughty’? Is he responsive or have you scared him away? Men inadvertently tell us EVERYTHING we need to know in the very, very early days of dating—if we pay attention!!
Once you feel like you have a potential “master lover”, let him know that you want to let go in the bedroom and not be in charge all the time. Does he take charge? Is he up for the task?
How to get him to satisfy you.
At this point, the most important thing you can do is: stop self-sabotaging. Really. We women pride ourselves on our multi-tasking abilities, yet the most important things you can do to help your man get you to the point of deep, fulfilling sexual pleasure are:
- Relax and let him take charge.
- Stay away from any self-defeating language.
- Do not get caught up in the societal misconception that a man just wants to ‘get off.’ A truly enlightened man wants to take responsibility for your pleasure and in turn that brings him immense pleasure as well.
Remember: sex is a mental exercise for men as well as women. An enlightened man truly, deeply, wants and needs to pleasure you to feel his ultimate best and you need to let go and allow him to. A great man never wants to leave his woman unfulfilled sexually, and if you both do your parts, you can end up with the sex life and the orgasms of your dreams.
– Your Tango