I’m 26 and I split up with my boyfriend nearly three years ago. It didn’t end very well.
I found out he was cheating on me with a 17-year-old girl and not long after that he decided to leave me for her.
I realise it was best that the relationship ended because it would have never worked. Near the end it was a physical attraction more than a deep meaningful one that kept us together.
Anyway, three years on and I’ve been on numerous dates with decent guys, but I always find something to pick at or something I don’t like about them.
I find it very hard to trust/let any new man into my life. I thought I had moved on.
When my relationship ended I did things for me. I started going to the gym, got my driving licence and so on, but I still feel there’s a big hole where he was.
And I feel like I’m never going to be able to move on. I’m a nice genuine girl who just wants to be happy and loved, but I’m not allowing anyone to do this. Is there any advice you can give me?
Stop panicking and stop assuming that your life is only complete with someone else in it.
You are only 26 and spent four years of that in a relationship that, as you say yourself, was wrong for you.
Clearly, it wasn’t going well before this 17-year-old was in the picture. It’s wonderful that you’ve been going out there and doing things for yourself, but you’re still clinging on to the past and that’s what’s holding you back and stopping you from truly moving on.
If you have to think about the past, then remind yourself every day why your relationship ended – the constant arguing and eventually the cheating.
Why on earth would you want to go back to that? Don’t go down the route of tarring every guy you meet with the same brush as your ex.
You’re not giving anyone else a chance to get to know you properly. I’ve been cheated on by just about every man I’ve been out with, but what’s helped me on the trust front is saying to myself, “OK, if it happens again I’ll survive it because I’ve done it before and I’ve gone on to meet someone else”.
I’m not saying it’s easy to do, but it works because, psychologically, it gives you ‘permission’ to get to know someone and see if you like him.
And when you have moments of insecurity, you have to keep saying to yourself, “It’ll be his hard luck if he loses me by cheating. I’ll get over it and move on”. It’s impossible to control other people and events, but you can control yourself.
Tell yourself you can feel strong and in charge of your own life.