There is no limit to the excuses men will make to avoid wearing condoms. It’s pretty messed up. How did women become the gatekeepers of sexual health? Why is it our responsibility to make sure we all don’t get chlamydia? The lines are endless, predictable, and so, so lame: “I can never get off with a condom on,” “I can’t stay hard,” “I’m allergic to latex,” “I don’t want to wear a condom,” the list goes on.
We can safely say we’ve all been there, right? It’s a ridiculous position to be in, and one we should never have to deal with. Yet, here we are, constantly worrying about guys doing objectively stupid stuff.
So, what do you say when a guy is being an irresponsible dillhole? We’ve got some ideas. Here are 11 real women on the best lines to say when guys don’t want to wear a condom.
1. You’ve got to be kidding
“I usually just laugh and say, ‘That’s genuinely hilarious. That would absolutely never happen. Frankly, I can’t believe you would even think that was acceptable.’” —Meredith, 26
2. Put a ring on it
“I can’t tell you the number of men who tell me they just can’t get hard with a condom on. My best response has been, ‘Honey, you come with one of two things for me, or you don’t come at all: either a condom or a diamond ring.’ (Luckily no one has brought the ring.)” —Adivah, 43
3. Plain And Simple
“It’s quite a simple line, actually. If a guy doesn’t want to wear a condom I just say, ‘Okay. Then I’m not going to have sex with you.’ That’s pretty much it.” —Chloe, 23
4. Boy, bye
“Frankly, should a man even suggest sex without a condom, you should usher his ass out the door (no response necessary). Why would you even considered hooking up with such an idiot?” —Beverly, 64
5. I’ll Show You To The Door
“Stop. People don’t still do this do they? Tell that guy to ‘get the hell out of my bed.’ What is this moron doing?” —Isabel, 29
6. Seeya Never
“I’d just say, ‘K bye.’ And then leave.” —Kelly, 27
7. Poetry To My Ears
“I still remember when this happened and I repeated this: ‘Your eyes may shine, your teeth may grit, without a condom, no love you’ll get.’ After he finished laughing, he took the condom I gave him and we got busy.” —Carol Gee, 67
8. Stats On Stats
“I enjoy making guys feel stupid for this. I go on a rant about STI rates in America and basically tell him he’s a f*cking idiot and deserves an STI.” —Michelle, 31
Stock up on Sir Richard’s Ultra Thin Latex Condoms from the Women’s Health Boutique for protected sex that’s as intimate as possible.
9. Cloudy With A Chance Of No Sex
“No raincoat, no sunshine.” —Rita, 60
10. Lie Detector
“I always get the, ‘I’m allergic to latex,’ line. So, I just let him know that 1 percent of the population is allergic to latex and if he’s part of the 1 percent, he’s not getting laid tonight. What a joke though. We all know he’s not allergic to latex.” —Bri, 33
11. Check Yourself
“First of all, it’s depressing that we still have to have this conversation. Secondly, I would tell a guy that if he wants to get all this sweet love, he better get his sh*t together.” —Maya, 28