Improving your sex life used to be all about eating a glazed doughnut off a penis and locking naked bodies together with saran wrap. Sure, sometimes Cosmo gets a little ridiculous with their sex tips, but at least they involve actual sex acts. Recently, sex advice has become terribly…unsexy.
1. Clean The Bathroom
The latest suggestion to amp up your sex life, courtesy of a study conducted in the UK, is to clean your bathroom and change the sheets. Look, we like a clean latrine as much as the next gal, but calling laundry a turn-on is a stretch.
2. Gaze At A Photo Of Your Lover
An anthropologist at Rutgers University discovered that when people look at a picture of their partner for 30 seconds or longer, their brain produces libido boosting hormones. (We wonder if staring at a picture of Ryan Gosling produces the same effect?) That’s sweet. But awfully creepy, especially if your partner is sitting right there next to you.
3. Consult A Foreplay Map
Learn the topography of your partner’s erogenous zones with a foreplay map. It’s like a coloring book where you shade in the areas where each of you like to be touched. And when you’re done making your body picture, you discuss. What is this? Kindergarten?
4. Watch A Horror Movie
Studies show that people feel more aroused after an adrenaline pumping experience like a scary movie. “Exorcist” date night, ya’ll! Either that, or skydiving.
5. Tilt Your Chin Up And Act Poor
Dudes, stop trying to pretend like you’re loaded because a study found that women only care about your bank account if and when they want to marry you. Focus, instead, on your physical appearance.Evolutionary Psychology found that photos of men with their chin tilted slightly up were deemed more attractive by women. Got that? Chin up, act poor, get laid. [Mens Health]
6. Ditch Your To-Do List
Research published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, confirmed that people are often thinking about what they need to get a the grocery store while they’re having sex. Instead, you’re supposed to cross things off your to-do list before you have sex, that way you’re not distracted. No mention of how doing all these chores will greatly diminish your time for sex.
7. Eat More Barley
We knew that chocolate was an aphrodisiac, but we had no idea barley was a libido booster. We’re not about to sit down with a large, heaping bowl of barley stew before hitting the sheets. Just no.
8. Add More Yorgurt To Diet
According to a study done at MIT, a diet that includes yogurt gave male mice more “swagger” and increased the size of their balls by 5 percent. This is great news if you can get excited by the sight of a man devouring an Activia.
9. Take An Improv Class
A study in France found that when a guy approaches a woman after cracking some jokes with his friends, he can get her number about 43 percent of the time. Learning to be funnier = getting more digits. Sign up for that improv comedy class STAT.
10. Make A Lady Sniff Licorice
The scent of licorice, cucumber baby powder, pumpkin pie and lavender all increase blood flow to the vagina. Break out the Twizzlers, boys.
11. Find Your Inner Monk
Scientists found that women are most attracted to men who exuded a sense of calm and well being. So, in order to get laid, cultivate your inner monk — minus the vow of celibacy part.
12. Do Breathing Exercises
Redbook suggests that you do yogic breathing exercises to warm you up before every sex session. But aren’t you going to be breathing heavy in a few minutes anyway?
13. Pretend You Don’t Know Your Partner
One woman claims that when her sex life slowed down, she tried to imagine that she just met him and this made her want to impress him. Hi, nice to meet you. I’m your wife.