Most of us haven’t had sex in a car since we moved out of our parents’ house and got somewhere more comfortable to do the dirty than the back seat of a steamed-up Polo.
But nice as your mega-thread count Egyptian cotton sheets are, having bedroom sex all the time is so damn vanilla.
It’s time to give car sex a second chance – and here’s what you need to know.
Accept there’ll be no room to really throw yourself about. You are attempting the sexual equivalent of playing tennis inside a drainpipe.
2. You’ll become addicted to the danger
How can you go back to rolling around your king-size when your Fiat Panda is waiting outside, right?
You spray de-icer on the headboard, but it’s not the same.
3. You’ll try to recreate the ‘magic’ on your own
But you can’t
4. Reminders of everyday life kill the mood
Child seats, old sweet wrappers, coffee cups, the water bill, that holdall filled with… do you even remember what’s in it? Who does it belong to?
5. Chances are, you’ll get caught
You’ll either be mistakenly welcomed into the local dogging community or you’ll spend all night down the police station having a different set of particulars taken down.
6. You’ll discover doggers are never hot
Get your Beyoncé and Jay Z fantasies out of your head right now – the only similarities they share with Debbie and Damon from Doncaster is that they both have heads
7. The sex won’t live up to expectations
However low they were, drop them another couple of notches. And again.
One more time.
8. You’ll take ages to find the ideal position
Or even the right seat, until it’s just perfect.
Congratulations: you’re Goldilocks!
9. You won’t clean up properly
There you are the next day, with your car-pool buddies, when one of them exclaims, ‘What the hell is this?!’
Dare you even look?
10. You’ll knock the handbrake off
Your hands will be everywhere, and in the heat of the moment – your screams a mixture of pleasure and crushing back pain – you’ll pull on the nearest thing you can find.
And it will be the wrong thing.
11. You’ll argue about the aircon
It’s too hot! It’s too cold! Wow this is the sexiest row you’ve ever had, right?
Really move the argument to the next level by opening a window and refusing to close it.
12. You won’t feel very glamorous
You’re sweating, you can’t remember where your underwear is, and all you can think of is how long it will take you to get that rear view mirror back to its optimum position.
13. You’ll break something
Front seat, collarbone, ancient by-laws – all yours for the taking and breaking.
14. People will assume you’re having an affair
Why else would you be in a car in woodland, when you could be at home, doing it on your kitchen floor at the very least?
15. Or they’ll think you’re being murdered
From a distance, sex in a car looks like a violent struggle – well, it kind of is, really.