Three things men never say no to: their mothers, a pint on a Sunday and, of course, a blow job.
Though not all at the same time.
We don’t like telling you what to do, generally because we’re so glad to be getting one.
But if we could pause for a moment or maybe stop to draw you a quick diagram, this is what we’d say.
Ideally, we’d have somebody clamped to our groin all day, but we’ve got work to do.
No need to ask, just tip us a wink whenever.
OK, maybe not on the motorway. Or at least let us get to the hard shoulder.
2. Unzip us. But do it carefully
Imagine there’s a little fluffy kitten just behind there – and don’t worry, it turns into a tiger later.
3. Ease up on the porno tricks
Are you… are you spitting on it? Why?
By all means get excited and thrash about a bit, but banging away like a Dyson at the Axminster won’t get us there any faster.
We quickly stop being excited and start worrying it’ll snap off.
4. Deep-throating isn’t always sexy
Sure, if you can do it, go to town.
But if you’ve got a super-keen gag reflex it sounds like you’re throwing up.
5. Leave Zone 1
Let your tongue take a trip to the top of our thighs, or maybe a little further down the shaft for a few shunts.
You can even make your way to the branch line round the back if you like.
6. Size chat
No need to say ‘It’s so big’. We know you’re lying.
Soon, we’ll wonder how many you’ve seen to compare it against.
And then all we see as we look down is every tool you’ve ever known, whacking us in the face, each asking who its daddy is.
Of course, don’t tell us it’s tiny either because if that’s the case, we definitely already know.
7. You can go nuts. But not too nuts.
Stroke ‘the boys’ by all means but don’t yank at them – they’re attached to us, you know.
Oh, and that trick you learned that humming with our balls in your mouth feels good?
It does – for a second or two. But then your tone-deaf humming of… is that Britney? will just kill our boner.
8. Don’t bite – unless we’re into that
It’s just blood in there. And nerve endings. And terror.
Your lips and tongue have a VIP pass. Teeth? Go home, you’re drunk.
9. We might fall asleep
If we fall asleep during, it’s a compliment.
We’re super-relaxed. We’ll get round to sorting you out eventually. Promise.
We get you might not want to swallow, but don’t spit jizz out or on us like it’s radioactive poison.
Just reach for a tissue. We won’t mind.
Hang on, what am I saying? Swallow.
Please, for the love of God, swallow.
And if we forget to warn you when it’s on its way, don’t get mad. You must be really good at it.