Here’s What She Really Wants You To Do When You Go Down On Her
Women not only appreciate a giving lover, but they also value someone who is willing to demonstrate the movement, the variation and the endurance they need when it comes to making sure they are not only pleased but exhausted after foreplay.
Oral sex for women is a completely different beast than it is for men. While you need a happy medium between hard and soft, fast and slow, suction and licking, what she needs is a balancing act, too. From being surprised to feeling appreciated — it’s not only about the actual things you do with your tongue (and fingers) but how you help her stop thinking and start feeling.
So how do you making oral sex a great experience for her?
Before you start watching porn to figure out how to make it hotter for her (bad idea), here’s another suggestion for you: talk to her.
Or if you’re not comfortable getting into that conversation just yet, take it from these real women, who revealed what they really (really, really, oh-my-god, really) like about oral sex — and the expert who spoke about why these things are such a turn-on for women:
1. “I like when he lets it be about me.”
Thirty-four year old Sarah from Nashville says that one of the best qualities of her husband is how he is a giver — without expecting anything in return. “Many times, after I’ve had a long day and maybe I’m not in the mood to have sex or something, he’ll tell me to relax and start giving me a head-to-toe massage. I always know that he hopes it’ll end up in intercourse, and it does sometimes, but if it doesn’t, he still goes down on me until I finish,” she says.
For Sarah and for most women, their past oral experiences always resulted in a guy nodding to his member, demanding a tit-for-tat. If you really want her to let go and let her wild side unleash, you have to give her permission to not worry about what she’ll have to do after she climaxes. (And psst: not expecting anything may result in you getting even more — just sayin’.)
Why the expert says this is hot: AASECT-certified sexuality counselor and certified clinical sexologist Dawn Michael says many women struggle with the ability to let go when someone is going down on them. It’s normal for most women to be so stuck in their head about to-do lists, what’s for dinner, what’s going on in their friendships and everything else, so being able to truly be in the moment is a toughie. That’s why a partner who gives her the time and the permission to unleash is a huge turn-on.
“Women naturally are the pleasers and most women report that one reason they do not like oral sex or climax from it is that they can’t relax and let go enough to enjoy it,” Michael says. “Allowing her to enjoy oral sex without expectations, time limits or pressure on her to perform after is a sure way to give her permission to enjoy the moment and let go.”
2. “I like when he surprises me.”
The ladies know that it’s no easy task figuring out the right tongue motion and hand position to get them off (just like they know a blowjob is called a “job” for a reason — it requires work).
But here’s the thing to note, straight from Kristin, 32, from Phoenix: “Just like it’s fun to change positions during sex, it’s always better when my boyfriend does something different during oral,” she says. Instead of circling your tongue to find her sweet spot or mindlessly fingering her until she pushes you on her to begin sex, try something new: spread her wider and see how she reacts. Curl the tops of your fingers and apply pressure to hit her G-spot. Lift her legs higher, wider or in other directions until you hear her respond. This will help her get out of her head and release any tension that might prevent her from finishing.
Why the expert says this is hot: Michael says that any direct clitoral stimulation or repeating the same motion over and over again will help get your partner to relax and begin to be turned on. When you throw in different moves that are also stimulating, you take the oral sex game into a whole other world. Why? Because you’re going more behind the scenes.
“The reality, from an anatomic view of the clitoris, is that only the head is showing and the wonderful legs are buried beneath the skin going into the vagina and waving back towards the cervix. On it’s way into the vagina, it bundles under the G-spot and creates a wonderful, indirect stimulation when that area is touched,” Michael says.
“When I explain to couples about the clitoris, I will often explain that if the head of a penis — which is less sensitive than a clitoris — is rubbed and rubbed, it is going to feel over-stimulated. Imagine just rubbing the head of the penis without the shaft — that would be similar to rubbing just the head of the clitoris without rubbing the legs.”
So wouldn’t you rather shoot for every part, instead of just a few?
3. “I like when he stops in the middle of sex to go down on me.”
“Oh my god. The best kind of sex with my husband is when I’m riding him and suddenly, he pushes me off and goes down on me until I climax,” says Vicki, 27, from Charlotte, N.C. “It always, always gets me off.” Sex isn’t just about the two body parts required to make it happen, but a ton more: your lips, your hands, your tongue.
When you’re unafraid to involve all of these sexy limbs (capable of producing even bigger orgasms), that’s when your sex gets hotter. Most women need both penetration and oral to fully achieve the highest amount of pleasure. If you’re only giving her one at a time, it’s like if she only played with one ball: it still feels good, but it’s not quite as effective.
Why the expert says this is hot: While it’s not technically true that a woman can’t achieve both indirect clitoral stimulation and direct stimulation from intercourse, for some women, it may be more difficult than others, Michael says.
If you’re having trouble multitasking during sex (going at her from behind while massaging her clitoris, for example) — this might be a good option for you, especially if you can maintain your erection the whole time. Stopping during sex to go down on her will stimulate her, and then while she’s getting turned on, you can stop and begin having intercourse again, and repeat until she achieves orgasm.
If you’re worried about seamlessly switching positions — both with intercourse and oral — take a breather. While it might be tricky at first and you may experience some fumbles together, once she realizes that you’re attempting to bring out the best in her and give her the most pleasure as possible, she’ll let go and let you take control. And maybe even help you with the maneuvering once she sees how amazing the different techniques feel when combined.
4. “I love when he warms me up with his hands.”
Though many men use oral sex as a way to get their partner ready for intercourse, women have another tip before going all the way: Use your hands before using your mouth. “There’s a reason why we had bases in high school before we all started having sex and why they went in that order: kissing, french kissing, fingering, oral, sex,” says Caroline, 31, from New York.
“It seems like men forget steps nowadays, but when they don’t, it’s always better.” Before you start going down on her, spend time going crazy with a makeout session like you did back before you ever got laid: feel her up. Grab her hair. Really, really passionately kiss her. And then start with your hands before you venture down south.
Why the expert says this is hot: Remember the time before you started having sex when you were still at the makeout stage? Sure, you likely made grabs for other regions and pushed as far as your high school girlfriend would let you, but what was so intense about those first fleeting moments of innocence was this sense of discovery.
As adults, we may round the bases much faster than our partners would like, so it’s important to stop, take a minute and remember all those old-fashioned ways you got turned on before we rushed to sex on the third date. But, unlike when you were a kid, you can really turn up the kissing ante to make it even sexier with your now-mature skills:
“Kissing is a wonderful way to get a woman aroused and the exchange of saliva also has testosterone transferred to her. One way to really tease her is to take the tongue and softly lick in the inside of her upper lip, almost like you would be giving her oral sex,” Michael says. “Inside the lip is one of the sensitive spots on the human body and a great way to tease her for what is to come next.”
5. “I love when it turns him on.”
“It always disappointed me when my ex-boyfriend would need me to get him hard after he went down on me,” says Ashley, 27, from Boston. “My new boyfriend is always so excited to hear me moan and get me off that he’s ready to go when I am. It’s great.”
Though you can’t always control what happens down there, you can respond to her pleasure by telling her how much it turns you on and how sexy she is. Even expressing this will make her feel more comfortable, more connected and more up for round two (and three and four).
Why the expert says this is hot: Different strokes for different folks is always true, but consider this: think about the best blowjob you’ve ever received. Was it when the girl went down on you grudgingly, didn’t make any noise, didn’t touch her body, didn’t really move or look up at you or make eye contact? Or was it when she massaged her breasts, smiled, locked eyes with you, moaned and touched herself, all while making sure you finished? Hopefully the latter (for your sake) because great oral sex isn’t just about the person who is receiving. Instead, it’s about how you’re both working together to achieve pleasure.
The next time you go down on her, try moaning as you open and close your mouth. If you can manage the multi-tasking, you might even consider rubbing your cock while you’re rubbing her. And if she happens to finish on you while you’re still going down on her, make a point to tell her exactly how much that turned you on, why she is incredibly sexy in your eyes and how you can’t wait to do that again and again. Showing her that her pleasure means a lot to you — even more than your own pleasure — is a sure-fire way to guarantee that hot sex is in your future together.
“As every person is different, most men do get enjoyment from pleasing their partners and letting her hear you groan is one way to show her that, while you’re pleasing her, you’re also enjoying yourself down there and are ready to go to the next step,” Michael says.
6. “I love when he uses toys.”
While you might not think of using a vibrator near your tongue — you should. Laura, 29 from Chicago, says when she wasn’t able to finish from oral sex, her husband brought a sex toy home to take it to the next level. “We were both a little unsure of how it would work, but having the vibrator inside while he was going down on me gave me the sensation I needed to finally enjoy oral sex for the first time ever,” she said.
If you’re intimidated by sex toys or feel like they make you less effective, get that out of your head, stat. There’s something that can be incredibly powerful about vibrators made purposefully for couple play. Many companies specifically design toys — from vibrators to vibrating cock rings and more — that enhance your sexual intercouse, but don’t replace the actual need for one another. In fact, with a sex toy, you can give her an explosive orgasm that you would not be able to achieve with your tongue — but you’re still the one controlling the toy, and thus the one who is giving her immense pleasure.
You can research different toys and try them out to see what kinds work for you. A great place to start, recommended by many experts, is talking to your partner about the ways her oral sex experience could be better. You can shop together at a sex toy store or online if you feel uncomfortable discussing things-that-require-batteries in front of strangers.
WeVibe makes great vibrators for couples that are easy to use and will make your sex even hotter. One example is the We-Vibe Fling. You can use it during intercourse as an added stimulation to her G-spot and clitoris, or with oral sex. Simply insert one side of it into her vagina and let the other side vibrate on top. You can move it up and down and to the sides, and eventually — when she’s ready! — take the one end off of the clitoris and spin it around and start going down on her. She’ll be very, very pleased before the evening is over.
Why the expert says this is hot: Michael says that the big benefit of toys is that they can help stimulate all the different areas that could turn her on and allow you to do things that you couldn’t do without a toy. With varying speeds, sizes and pulses, a sex toy can unleash a side of her orgasm during oral sex that she hasn’t experienced before, mainly because she is getting everything she wants touched, massaged, licked and tightened, all at once. “Stimulating the G-spot with a toy can stimulate the internal clitoral legs that bundle there. Again thinking of it like a shaft, both the head and body are being stimulated,” Michael says.
But while you might get a little trigger happy when you begin using a vibrator on your girlfriend for the first time (boys will like their toys, right?) — Michael also notes that it’s important to be gentle, start slow and let her react to you. Though it’s unlikely, you want to make sure you don’t overstimulate the clitoral head, which could cause your partner to have a very painful — and less erotic — experience. Just like the tip of you, the tip of her is very sensitive, too.
7. “I love when he puts me first.”
“My husband will not even let me think about going down on him until he makes sure I’m there and ready,” says Jordan, 30, from Houston, Tex. “Even though we will often 69 or use oral throughout sex, I love how he puts my needs first and makes me feel like my pleasure is most important.” The best sex is when you’re both focused on one another, but she may need an extra reminder that you’re really excited — and turned on — by getting her off, way before you consider your own orgasm. That’s when you’ll both win.
Why the expert says this is hot: This particular issue might not be a big issue for all couples, but generally speaking, Michael says it’s best for her to orgasm first than her never orgasming at all. It’s important though, she notes, that men who may struggle with early ejaculation could have the tendency to rush their partners to the finish line, since he’s holding out as long as he can, and that could be a turn off. Plus, for most women, the time it takes to orgasm is often longer than the time it takes for their male partner to achieve the goal.
Above all else, Michael says, it’s important to have an open, honest and sexy conversation with your partner. Just like the first time you started having sex with one another, when you first started dating, you had to get a lot wrong before you got it right. Oral sex is like that too, and it’s mostly about trial and error: does she like it when I apply pressure here but not there? Does she get turned on when I lick her faster or slower, and where exactly matters the most to her? Does she get closer when I use my fingers or when I use my fingers and my tongue?
Taking the time to listen, respond and react to your partner will help make the experience stronger and hotter for both of you. The willingness to learn and the ability to adapt are two things that will mean more to your girlfriend than doing the exact right thing. Or trying so hard that she feels pressured to fake something that you’d rather her not fake with you (at least most of the time).
“The best sex is when both people can connect and are able to please each other and feel special to each other,” Michael says. “Pressured orgasm by far is not good sex, so switching things up and exploring each other is the best way to have intimate sex.”