You’ve been around the block once or twice, and, no, we’re not talking alternate side of the street parking. We’re talking sex. You’ve done your homework, boned up on the finer points of doing the deed, and when it comes to getting busy between the sheets—or wherever your locale of choice—you can be trusted to bring it on, bring it home, and just…bring it. You’re the man. The love guru. A sexual rock star. But you know what? You might be mistaken. While you may be certain your performance is hitting all the right notes, in reality, your off-key love song can potentially get you sacked in the sack. (But always remember: all women were not created equal, especially on the playing field of sexual yays and nays. One girl’s thrill is another’s What are you doing?, but cut these deal-breakers from your curriculum, and you’re off to a good start.)
Beware being the guy who believes that having an encyclopedic education in Tantra, The Kama Sutra, and the collected works of Dr. Ruth Westheimer makes you a proficient lover. A little knowledge may be a dangerous thing, but so is a lot of knowledge in the wrong hands, tongues, or other man bits, and, as everyone knows, theory and practice are two very different animals. The guy who is certain he can “give” a woman an orgasm operates on the misconception that a woman’s orgasm is his to give. It’s not. Yes, you can and should help her get there, but the long, short, thick, thin, and, yeah, just right there of it is: a woman’s climax is her own. A man so goal-oriented that he focuses solely on “pleasuring his woman” can expect to achieve the same result as one who doesn’t care whether his partner gets off at all. He’s running through his checklist, and an hour of oohing and ahhing later, she’s thinking, “Are we there yet?”
Ah, the clitoris: The seat of so much pleasure, and the temple to so many misconceptions. Is clitoral stimulation a good thing? Of course it is. Can there be too much of a good thing. You betcha. While the ruby pearl is a magic button, it’s certainly not the only one. Direct contact or fancy finagling down below are not givens, nor should sex necessarily begin and end “on the dot”. If your idea of foreplay is to shove a hand between her legs and have at it, don’t be surprised if she shuts down rather than lights up. Every woman has her own timing, tempo, and preferred sequence of events. Learn to read her music or you may get the hook.
Porn movies are fantasies. Many things you see in them may make for fabulous wank fodder, but when going one-on-one with a real partner of the noninflatable variety, can be real deal breakers. Spanking. DP. Facials. Girl-on-girl. We’re not saying she won’t be into it, but we are saying you should broach the subject before you invite the cable guy in for a threesome and cue the cheesy soundtrack. Ironically, females are now major consumers of porn. If your amore’s amenable, try watching some together and talking about how far you’re both willing to go before you bust out the sex swing.
The sloppy eater
Those who treat the vagina like hogs at a trough rarely find themselves asked back for a return engagement. Going down? Good! Enthusiasm? Great! Slobbering, snuffling, snarfling, snorting, and/or grunting? Yuck.
The marathon man
The seven-hour myth of Sting has been debunked. Not every woman is capable of multiple orgasms, nor does she necessarily want it to go on and on and on. Sometimes, it’s a far better thing for you to come than it is to attempt to make her come again—or even at all. Heresy, right? Not really. Intercourse does not have to lead to female orgasm 100% of the time. As long as it doesn’t become a recurring theme, it’s not the end of the world. Again, focus on the game rather than the score, and pleasure will be achieved. (She can always get herself off later, and if you’re nice, she may even let you watch.)