If You Need To Apologize For Something, Here’s How To Do It Right (In Bed)
Disagreements happen — even in healthy relationships — but how you handle the kiss-and-make-up is important. One way to come back together after a particularly difficult or emotional fight is to meet in the bedroom. In fact, sex is one of the best ways to reconnect as a couple. Laurel House, dating and sex expert and author of Screwing the Rules, says a proactive sex life is the key to happiness within a relationship. “Sex isn’t just about feeling good and getting off,” she says. “It’s also about emotionally connecting, sharing that amazing release, being completely naked — both physically and emotionally — and being vulnerable.”
Instead of going balls to the wall when you retreat to have make-up sex, use these tips to really, truly say “you’re sorry” in bed:
Don’t use it as a diversion
You didn’t really come to a common ground, but neither of you can stop yelling or reach a compromise, so you get mad and that anger becomes sexy, so you have sex. This is a big no-no, says House. “There is danger in using sex as a diversion, and not actually addressing the issues that caused the argument n the first place,” she warns. “Don’t become too dependent on your physical connection and chemistry or your relationship might start to lack the emotional depth that’s needed to make it last.”
See it as a way to build peace between you…
Dr. Kat Van Kirk, sexologist and author says make-up sex can help resolve arguments because it creates a sanctuary within a couple that facilities grounding. In other words, it creates a better playing field in which to discuss the agreement post-coitus. “It can also be a way of communicating love and caring that doesn’t come across in a typical argument,” she says. When you’re really angry at your partner and you’ve just reached the end of your fight, sex can help you express other feelings and make you remember the connection that you have, even when you don’t always see eye-to-eye.
…but remember that it doesn’t have to happen right away
You just said, “Okay, you’re right, I’m going to do this differently” and she’s supposed to hop on your lap and ride away the pain? It’s okay if she’s not ready (or you’re not) to jump in the sack the second the disagreement has fizzled. All couples handle fighting — and getting over the hurt — differently, so it might be a few hours or even a few days before you come back together to make love. “Make-up sex can break the ice and cut through the frigid air, returning your relationship to the pre-fight warmth and love that you feel for each other,” House says. Give her space, and yourself space, to be ready to make amends.
Go down on her….
You may love giving oral sex or you may hate it, but if you really want to make her orgasm and show her that you’re really sorry, put her sexual needs way above your own — and make the evening all about her. “Invite her to be the center of your attention for the entire evening,” sex expert Vanessa Marin says. “Draw her a bath. Give her a full-body massage. Make it romantic. And go down on her — without expecting anything in return.” (Maybe if she returns the favor, you’ll know she’s mostly forgiven you!)
…and then make the sex all about her
Make-up sex is a great opportunity for you to not only tell her that you’re sorry — but to show her. Though the ultimate goal for every romp is to leave both of you satisfied, pay special attention to your lady’s needs when you’re trying to make things good again. “Tune into the tempo and the depth of her breath, notice her body rhythm and see when she is clenching,” House recommends. “When does she lose herself? Pull you deeper or push you to ease off? Having an acute awareness of her reflexes and responses will show her that you are putting her first.”
Check-in with her afterwards
Once the sex session is over and you’ve both had time to cool down, make extra effort to check in with your partner about how she’s feeling. You don’t want to open the wounds up again, but it’s never a bad idea to express that you care and that you know that great sex hasn’t fixed every problem you have together. “Sex doesn’t instantly resolve everything, even if it does bring you closer together,” Van Kirk says. “Talk to her afterwards so you know that you’ve both processed the disagreement and you’re ready to move forward.”