Because however much we want it to feel like we’re the star of our own porn film, it usually doesn’t.
It’s not quite as spectacular as porn would have you believe (Picture: 20th Century Fox)
1. Sex toys: All of them have knocked man’s genitalia down a peg. How do we compete with 11inch gadgets that rotate? The last time I looked, I don’t twizzle in a circular motion (although how awesome would that be?).
2. Premature ejaculation: ‘Baby, I swear it’s never happened before.’ It happens all the time.
3. When she rolls over and says, ‘is that it?’: ‘Yes, that’s it. Would you like me to make to perform a card trick or make you a giraffe out of balloons?’
4. Not swallowing: Go hard or go home, as the saying goes. There’s nothing less sexy than a forced smile and a bedside spittoon followed by a thorough rinse with Listerine.
5. The fact that it’s not porn: Making love is just wonderful. But 80 per cent of the time man dreams of his bedroom as the set of an X-rated movie.
6. Condoms: Yes, they may be a safeguard against pregnancy and stop the spread of STIs, but they don’t feel nice (of course, we wear them anyway).
7. When she doesn’t make any noises: Man needs encouragement. It’s no different than being cheered on at the sidelines of a rugby match. So give us the odd moan to let us know we’re doing okay, yeah?
8. When she makes too many noises: There’s moaning with pleasure, then there’s wailing like a deer that’s injured itself in the woods. Don’t be that person.
9. When you try an exotic position and it fails: It’s time to try out that move you’ve highlighted in the Karma Sutra you bought from that sex shop where couples scuttle around awkwardly fondling dildos. But what appears to be a fun and exciting position quickly turns into a naked wheelbarrow race – and someone usually gets hurt.
10. Being told size doesn’t matter: Of course size matters, maybe not for sex, but having a big Johnson makes man feel ten times manlier.
11. Going flaccid halfway through: The only passable excuse for going floppy is because you’ve had too much sex (LAD). But it’s important to stress that this is absolutely no reflection on the woman we’re sleeping with. It’s not your looks that come into play here, ladies, trust me – man can and will make love to anything that gives it permission.
12. Sweating: They say sex is the best form of exercise, but that’s what gyms are for. Man doesn’t have time for sweat in the bedroom. No one wants that hulking brow bead to tumble into their woman’s eye or mouth.
13. Floating a threesome: Man can’t propose a threesome without looking like a horny sex pest. But apparently there’s an app for organising the trio-lay now. What a time we live in.
14. Being judged: Even when women say they are not judgmental about a guy’s performance, there may as well be a panel of sexperts at the end of your bed holding up scores.
15. Being asked if you can ‘go again’ almost immediately after you’ve finished: Sure, let me just wind up my piece and get back on. It doesn’t work like that. Women, give us AT LEAST an hour. If you’ve met a man who can rise to the challenge within minutes then you keep him and you never let him go because he is some kind is sexual warrior.