So often, when we read literature online or self-help books on the topic of sex, we find ourselves talking about experimenting, trying new things in the bedroom, and different ways to avoid boredom in between the sheets.
But what if the narrative changed? What if, instead of going for a one night stand or partnering up with someone new in such a way that you want to do it on every surface of the house, you opted for an experience that made you feel overwhelmingly comfortable? This, essentially, is comfort sex.
What is Comfort Sex?
Comfort sex is when we find a person that makes us feel safe, intimate, and connected, but also, provides us with a level of trust and familiarity. This person could be a partner, friends with benefits, a spouse, or even yourself! So instead of having all of those jitters and butterflies that come with sleeping with a new partner, you feel at ease and comfortable.
Comfort sex need not be earth-shattering. In fact, it doesn’t even need to involve penetration or climax. It’s merely the opportunity to feel that sense of security and to escape the outside world for a moment. At the same time, this kind of sex could also be driven by arousal, and can lead to exceptionally amazing orgasms. There are no parameters when it comes to how you experience comfort sex.
Why is Comfort Sex Beneficial?
For many, especially women, it takes time to build a sense of trust and intimacy with someone to a point where they feel sexually comfortable. It’s true that many women need a sense of safety and bonding in order to climax, and it’s true that slow, sensual foreplay is often the key to unlocking orgasmic potential. Comfort sex provides a setting for all of this to be possible.
It’s like a beautiful fusion of snuggling and sex, and leaves both partners feeling seen, safe, and comfortable enough to surrender to sexual bliss. It’s a way to soothe oneself emotionally as well as sexually.
“People have sex for a lot of different reasons, and one of them is to be soothed and comforted,” says sex therapist Michael Seiler, Ph.D. In this way, comfort sex gives individuals the opportunity to feel sustained, rather than having experienced a ‘quick fix’.
Another benefit to comfort sex is that it can be anything you want it to be. Some may gain pleasure from certain sexual acts, but feel too embarrassed or shy to tell new partners what they desire. Some may feel more at ease enjoying their preferred pleasure practice with someone they know and trust. This, again, means that comfort sex has the amazing power to allow individuals to feel sexually comfortable and emotionally free, which may lead to a blissful orgasm.
Then again, one could solely experience comfort sex with themselves. Comfort sex need not involve a partner. Some may feel at their most comfortable and have the ability to soothe themselves when they engage in self-love. Masturbation and being sensual with ourselves is one of the most powerful acts of self-care, and we know our bodies better than anyone else. We know what makes us feel good but also safe, comfortable, relaxed, and secure.
With that, some may see comfort sex as quite predictable, but this isn’t a bad thing. A sex life that has variety can be great, and it can also keep the magic alive when things seem boring, but comfort sex is always something wonderful to come back to. This is because it is guaranteed to make you feel good.
The Biology Behind Comfort Sex: Why Does It Feel So Good?
Our brain is arguably the most powerful sex organ, and the way in which we think, feel, and experience things can play a huge role in how we enjoy pleasure. So what is actually happening inside our bodies to make us feel so good during comfort sex?
During the “getting to know you” intimacy phase, we go through a process of becoming familiar with someone. And once we’ve gone through this phase, we can begin to imbibe pleasure without actually thinking about what we’re doing. The brain (more specifically, the prefrontal cortex) can disconnect and move into relaxation mode. It is then that we can simply enjoy a moment for what it is without thinking about it, allowing us to reach an involuntary physiological state, aka orgasm.
Alternatively, when we find ourselves with a new partner, we are tasking our prefrontal cortex as we learn and adapt, which means that we’re thinking about what we’re doing. This makes it harder to reach the involuntary state. A more intense example of this would be “spectatoring”, which is when one worries about sex whilst having it.
So, just like being able to execute a new skill, such as riding a bike, we can enjoy an activity without thinking about it… we just do it. Comfort sex is simply being intimate without thinking about it, but just doing it! It feels good, it feels safe, and it has the power to switch off the mind and enter a state that’s involuntary and oh so pleasurable.
So, whether you’re engaging in comfort sex with yourself or with someone else, it will almost always result in you getting the satisfaction that you crave, even if the act is not spontaneous and wild. After all, having a routine is never a bad thing.