Many couples suffer from having less sex after having kids. One of the latest Netflix shows, Sex/life, explores the life of a woman who had lost part of herself after getting married and having children and whose husband doesn’t seem to see her as a sexual being anymore.
Our heroine, Billie, used to lead a very sexually active and adventurous life, and now she only gets to fantasize about it and about her ex-boyfriend, who seemed to be more receptive to her sexual needs than her husband.
Now, nobody would want a scenario like this in real life, feeling disconnected from your partner and like you’re only there to care for the house and children.
The good news is that most people won’t have to go the scandalous lengths that Billie had to go, and there are many small things you can try to keep the flame in the bedroom going even after ten years of marriage and having kids.
1. Open Communication Line Once More
The chances are that when life got busy with housework, kids, and all the other adult responsibilities, the communication line between you and your partner also got cut off. Communication in a relationship is hard, so it’s a normal thing to happen.
In the show Sex/life, Billie and her husband are clearly not on the same page when it comes to their sex life. She’s unhappy and unsatisfied, while he’s absolutely content in the way things are and never thought there was an issue until he found her secret sex journal.
Maybe you’re ready to get dirty and do some work to get the flame back in the bedroom, but you’re not sure whether your partner is ready to do the same. Without communication, it’s hard to know whether your partner’s needs match yours.
The first step in getting back into the routine of sex after kids is to open up those rusty lines of communication and share your ideas, thoughts, and needs with your partner. Jumping straight into being sexually active doesn’t happen overnight, and taking steps that are not sexual can be way less intimidating than jumping straight into bed.
2. Start by Taking Care of Yourself First
It’s no secret that a lot of women suffer from body image issues after they’ve had kids. It’s a normal part of life, and people’s bodies change as they age and as they go through different stages of life.
In order for you to have sex, you have to feel like having sex. While most men can find their libido and want sex on a whim, women tend to work a bit differently. Some women need to feel sexy and beautiful for them to want to have sex. (1)
So, start by incorporating a little bit of self-care. It might be difficult to plan spa trips and long baths with kids and other responsibilities, but even putting on a face mask in the evening and sitting with a book for 20 minutes counts towards rekindling the love for yourself.
This is also a chance for one partner to show that they care by watching the kids in the evening and taking over the responsibilities, so the other partner could enjoy a bit of self-love. And this will be another step towards having great sex even after kids.
3. Rekindle the Relationship Outside the Bedroom
If you’re experiencing issues outside the bedroom and are feeling frustrated with your partner about their job or how they didn’t clean the dishes when you asked them to, it might also be hard to get into the zone for some sensual and hot sex.
Wild sex after kids is possible, and it actually starts outside the bedroom.
So, before you even start thinking about any sexual experiences, try working on the relationship outside of sex. This could be done in different ways:
Schedule date nights: having an hour or two each week without kids, where there are only two of you, will definitely help you reconnect.
Go on walks together: it’s free, and you don’t need to dress fancy if you don’t want to. Also, exercise raises your happy hormones, so you’ll definitely have a pleasant time with your partner.
Help each other out: simple yet crucial for a happy relationship. Help your partner out on a day-to-day basis, whether it would be taking the kids to school or cleaning the house while they do something else.
Therapy: if there is some sort of resentment or deeper issues, then therapy might be a great way to reconnect and find each other once more.
4. Make a Bucket List of Sex Things to Try
When you’re ready to venture out to sexy things, you might want to try and start by making a bucket list for sexy things to try as a couple.
This is great for two reasons — first, it will make you feel as if you’re dating again when the affairs are still fresh and exciting. And second, it will help you connect with each other more, because you’ll be sharing something very intimate with each other.
You might both be equally daring and adventurous, or it might be that your partner is less experienced than you are. It shouldn’t matter when you’re making your sex bucket list.
You’re both ready to have sex after kids and being sucked into adult life; you’re both eager to explore and have fun. It doesn’t matter whether your partner is more or less experienced, and it doesn’t matter whether they’ve tried things on the bucket list that you haven’t.
Look at this bucket list as if you’re both opening a new leaf and learning to explore your sexuality together.
5. Go Shopping Together
When I say shopping together, I don’t mean shopping for groceries or the new fridge with a double freezer, but sex toy shopping or lingerie shopping.
These are the sort of activities that you probably used to do before you had kids or got married. It’s going to make you feel as if you’re doing something naughty and not parent-like, which will add to the excitement.
It will also allow you to treat your partner to a nice toy or a set of lingerie. And it will also fuel the flame because you’ll know that there will be a sexy new toy waiting for both of you to try or a sexy set of lingerie that will be gracing your partner’s body.
It’s part of eroticism, and it’s a crucial element of a fulfilling sex life, especially when you’re struggling with leaving your responsibilities behind. Sex coach Georgia Grace explains, “Eroticism makes sex meaningful. It isn’t necessarily sex. Rather, it is a process of imagination and expression that is a result of your unique human experience.”
Don’t neglect such a small effort to fuelling the fantasy as it’s going to go a long way to reclaiming your sex life after kids and will help you get back to similar excitement levels you had when you just started dating.
6. Watch Porn Together or Read Erotica
Watching porn or reading erotica can be a fantastic way to get to know what your partner and you like as well as get some ideas. While porn and erotica are there for entertainment purposes and shouldn’t be taken too seriously or as a learning manual, they can still be useful.
Maybe you’re not sure what you like, or maybe you’re too shy to articulate it to your partner if it’s something that’s considered taboo. Find a porn video or an erotica story that features the activities you’re interested in and show it to your partner.
See their reaction, maybe discuss it as you both watch/read about it, and then you can let them know that this is precisely what you would like to try. Even if your partner is more closed off or shy, after seeing or reading about it, they might be more receptive to trying something out.
Also, if you’re trying to have sex after kids but have a hard time getting into the mood, reading erotica and watching porn could serve as a form of foreplay.
7. Masturbate Together
Having sex after kids at home can be tricky because you might be worried that they’ll find you in a compromising position, and you’ll have to have the “bees and the birds” conversation.
Now, sex is also a lot of physical work, and sometimes you might be tired and not willing to hop into a physically challenging position, no matter how horny you feel.
In either case, mutual masturbation can be a great alternative. It still counts as sexual activity, and it will still count towards intimacy between you and your partner, maybe even more so, because people often feel shy about touching themselves in front of their partner.
Whip out your favorite toys or use your hands, maybe try some tantric masturbation techniques and slow breathing while doing it and have fun.
You might even incorporate some dirty talk while you’re at it, adding even more heat to this activity, and after you’re both satiated, you can lie in bed and giggle together while reminiscing about the sexy time you both enjoyed without actually having sex.
It might even bring you back to your youth when you had boyfriends and girlfriends, and you only used your hands, which can also fuel the excitement.
8. Hotel Sex
People love hotel sex. And one of the reasons why they do love it so much is because when they’re in the hotel, they don’t have to think about household issues and can detach from it all, even if for a night.
Ordering a hotel room might not be an extravagance you can afford every single week, but if you’re looking to get back to having sex after kids, an occasional escape might be the best thing to do.
In the hotel room, you will be more relaxed and detached from the household problems as well as your kids, which will help you get into the mood easier.
Hotels also have that sex appeal about them with comfortable beds, nice showers, and dark lounge bars where you can order drinks and flirt with your partner. You can even play a sexy stranger game and incorporate some role-playing if that’s something on your sex bucket list.
The possibilities are endless here, and after trying at least a few out of these eight things, you sure will be back to having sex after kids with your partner as if you just got married yesterday.