Hi everyone, this is Dr. Zhana and it’s time to talk about kinks! I got some really good questions from you that I can’t wait to answer them!
What is the shortest explanation for ‘kink’?
It’s always good to start with definitions! And the shortest one I can give you for kink is “an unusual or uncommon sexual interest.” That means statistically rare or deemed by a culture to be out of the ordinary.
Can you explain the difference between a kink and a fetish?
Kink and fetish are often used interchangeably, essentially giving “fetish” the same broad meaning as kink (which, as I mentioned, is an umbrella term for unusual or uncommon sexual interests).
However, fetish also has a more specific meaning in psychology. It refers to sexual fixation on things like objects, non-sexual body parts, materials, and bodily fluids. And, in the strictest definition, it also requires that that object or material is present for the person to get aroused and/or reach orgasm.
What’s one of the most interesting fetishes you’ve come across?
This is a hard one for me to answer because I’m so non-judgemental when it comes to people’s desires that none of the kinks phase me. So I only have kinks that I myself can relate to and find hot, and others that I’m like “eh” or like “that’s kind of bizarre, but whatever floats your boat”.
My BF likes to slap me when we fuck. I’m female. I consent. Thoughts? Am I weird?
Girl, you are SO normal. That is so hot what you just described! There are so many people on this planet who love to get slapped or would like to get slapped while getting fucked. It’s actually not a very uncommon sexual fantasy even though we deemed it weird.
In our subsequent LELO IG poll, 62% of respondents said they’ve fantasized about being slapped during sex (with consent), and 44% said they’ve fantasized about slapping their partner during sex (with consent).
I’m gender queer (out) but have fantasies of being “forced” to dress slutty w/ a collar/leash
Yeah, people of all genders can have fantasies about being “forced” to crossdress as a different gender or in a way that they wouldn’t normally dress, like super slutty or something. Very normal, very common, and very hot.
In our IG Poll, 69% of respondents said they had fantasized about being “forced” to do something sexual that they supposedly didn’t want, but secretly did?
“Forced” fantasies can be really hot, but they need to be done safely with a partner we trust and have prenegotiated boundaries with.
I’m a girl who likes the idea of doing stuff with a girl, but I’m not interested in relationships with girls. Does this make me bi?
There are actually a lot of people who are curious about or interested in same-sex partners for sexual explorations but not enough for long-term relationships. Now does that make you bi? Well, it certainly makes you not entirely straight in your desires and fantasies. But whether or not you apply the bisexual label to yourself, that actually depends on you. And there are a lot of different ways that people can take the exact same attractions or interests or behaviors and make sense of them in terms of their identity.
IG Poll: Would you like to get sexual with a member of your own sex/gender? 69% said yes
IG Poll: If you were interested in having sex with same-sex partners, but not relationships, would you consider yourself bisexual? 49% said yes
Why do people like to be hurt or get hurt during sex?
That’s a complex question we don’t have a clear answer on. Some of it is biological predisposition, some of it is early experiences with sexual arousal in the presence of pain, some of it is probably sexual sensation seeking as a personality trait, some of it might be healing from trauma, etc. It will be a different mix in different people…
I had BDSM fetishes with my (only) ex and with my BF now all I want is vanilla. Why?
I can’t tell you exactly why it happened to you. But many of our sexual preferences, maybe even most, are not set in stone. They change and evolve over the course of our lives, depending on what’s going on in our lives. And many of them are also very partner-specific, so this is perfectly normal.
Is it okay to visit a dungeon and only look at what’s happening there? Not ready to try anything yet.
Absolutely! Most dungeons and other kink parties would be happy to have you come and just look, observe, soak it in, learn, and then come back and play when you’re ready. Organizers are very aware that not everyone is ready to play right away, some of us need some time. Take your time. And tell the organizers you’re new, they will usually show you around and make you feel welcome.
Texting juicy dirty stuff really turns me ON
IG Poll: Does texting dirty, juicy things turn you on? 85% said yes
How do you discuss your very specific kinks to a partner?
Read and have your partner read Justin Lehmiller’s book Tell Me What You Want. Then talk about it.
How best to teach my very non-dominant partner what I like when being dominated?
We have to understand that people vary quite a bit on the trait of dominance, and those who are on the low end of the spectrum might not have the personality or interest to ever become a good sexual dominant. So your partner has to be on board. That said there are SO many resources to teach someone how to be a good dom. I can’t list all of them here, but one of my favorite ways, especially for newbies into kink, is the online course by my friend and partner, Kenneth Play, which I think is amazing.
What are safe ways for people to find communities that they can explore kink and BDSM with?
This will depend on where you are geographically in the world, but an easy place to find a lot of different communities and events is on FetLife, the “Facebook for kinky adults,” and from there you meet people. Do your research about the event you’re attending, bring a buddy, stay sober.
What turns me on can often make me anxious… thoughts?
That’s also common and perfectly normal. Sadly, we live in a world that stigmatizes and shames so many kinks and sexual desires and we internalize that negativity and it causes anxiety. And a lot of these things are new and risque. Play around with that anxiety, listen to it, work around it, but don’t let it run your life.
IG Poll: Do you sometimes feel anxiety about the things that turn you on? 60% said yes
I like the sensation of sharp fingernails on my penis but my fiancee is scared she’ll hurt me
That’s pretty hot. And it has a pretty low likelihood of permanent damage or any kind of serious injury. So you just have to reassure your fiancee that you’ll be fine and that a couple of scratch marks that are gonna heal easily are just fine.
Thank you for another great set of questions!
Audience submitted kinky fantasies:
Tying my husband up and pegging him
Out in the wild. In a big sexy black car. I would internally combust
Spitting on me and in my mouth
As a man, a reverse bukakke!
My craziest kink fantasy is seeing my guy have sex w/ another girl in front of me
Threesome with two men and me watching, then joining
Being tied up and have my partner do whatever he wants with me
Shaving some of my hair
For me it’s normal. But I love pegging, give cum, precum, and squirt drinking; Human furniture, crossdressing, orgasm denial, and chastity devices
Getting pegged by my wife and then sucking off her strap-on dildo. Rinse. Lather. Repeat.
I’ve recently got interested in collars and the idea of ownership and having to do what my partner want
Walked in on masturbating, the join, and so on until it’s this beautiful group orgy
Threesome! FFM but me with another couple
To what my wife gangbanged as a cuck
My guy wanting me to go down on a hitter girl while he fucked me from behind (anal or otherwise)
Female 19. Threesome w/ older woman (mommy) and her man (daddy) get spanked, degraded
Having my partner use a toy that he controls. I love when he takes charge (dom vibes)
I want to watch my partner fuck someone else in front of me
Spanking a class of girls until they group up on me to lower my aggression
Threesome. My wife, and I with a trans woman
Make my partner a slave and put a chain on his neck
Gay man fucking my straight boyfriend
I love having a bi-friendly MFM threesome. I’m a bi male unicorn
Watching my wife get…..
Sniffing dirty underwear
Being on bottom of a 69 while [on] a sex pillow that raises my head and hips. Another woman fucking me. With a strap-on and another woman fucking her with a strap on. So I’m having my face sat on, I feel her weight on my body, I feel her pleasure, I get violated, I get pleasured, and once I orgasm I don’t care if she smothers me unconscious
I want my man to force fuck me
Abandoned church [altar], restrained and pleasured
I have a nursing/breast kink. I love the idea of [two] people sucking my nipples at once
Gangbang with BBC
I want to be broken into and fucked while I’m asleep
Having anal sex and sucking her tits and have a double blowjob
Being penetrated by two men while attached