Daily Mirror agony aunt Coleen Nolan gives advice to a woman confused by the status of a former relationship which is veering into friends-with-benefits territory
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Dear Coleen, I’m a woman in my 20s and I broke up with my long-term boyfriend last year. I don’t know whether it was the effects of the lockdown, but then we started talking again, then seeing each other, which progressed to sleeping together.
The sex is still good and he’s very loving, but then we might not see each other for a couple of weeks.
We’re not officially dating again – in fact, we’ve both been trying online dating to meet other people – but I wonder if we should.
The break-up was fairly amicable, although sad.
It was more his decision than mine because he felt we’d got too serious too young and that we needed to experience other things.
I find myself really missing him now, which is annoying because I was doing quite well on my own.
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My friends think I’m crazy to go backward and that we’ll only end up splitting again.
My mind is a jumble and I don’t know what to do. He’s a very attractive guy in every way, so it’s hard not to be drawn back into it.
Can you help?
I think you’ve drifted into a friends-with-benefits arrangement, which is all well and good until one of you finds a new partner and the other ends up hurt.
It doesn’t seem balanced to me – I get the feeling you’re more invested in this than he is and he still appears to be calling the shots.
He left you, but now he’s enjoying this arrangement, which allows him to disappear for a couple of weeks, no strings attached.
The danger is, if you carry on with this arrangement, you’re unlikely to let another guy in.
You need clarity on what this arrangement means to your ex – does it have the potential to develop into something serious and long-lasting, or is it just an opportunity for good sex until someone else comes along?
Of course it’s hard to let go of someone you care about, but it’s even harder if you’re still seeing them and sleeping with them.
If you discover this is just a bit of a fun distraction for him, you should get out.
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