Daily Mirror agony aunt Coleen Nolan gives her advice to a reader whose wife wants him back after she initially wanted a divorce having enjoyed a flirtation with a work colleague
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A few weeks ago, my wife suddenly announced that she wanted a divorce.
She wouldn’t give me a reason, but kept crying and said she was unhappy. It came completely out of the blue.
We have been married for 12 years and have two children who are eight and 12 and while our marriage isn’t perfect – what marriage is? – I always thought we were OK.
I was completely devastated and tried to get to the bottom of it, and after about a week, she eventually admitted that she had been having this flirtation with a man in her office who is also married.
She said that their friendship – which she said hasn’t gone beyond kissing, and a lot of texting and phone calls – made her realise that we weren’t right for each other and that she no longer loved me.
Then very recently he called the whole thing off because he wants to make a go of things with his wife.
My wife is now asking me to forgive her and wants to give our marriage another chance.
She wants me to just put it all behind me and move on, but I’m not sure that I can.
Maybe you can’t put it all behind you, but maybe you should try before you throw the towel in. Right now it’s all very raw and your pride and self esteem must be feeling very hurt and bruised. So firstly, I would say don’t make a decision when things are still so emotional.
This is coming from somebody who has called time on two marriages.
I didn’t call time the minute I thought that things were going wrong. I waited for a bit, so I could make a well thought out decision, and not an emotional one.
You should sit down and talk honestly to your wife, maybe have some marriage guidance counselling, and really listen to her. Find out why her head was turned.
I do think women have affairs for emotional reasons, because something is lacking at home. I’m not condoning it and I’m not blaming you either.
But sometimes women do have affairs when they feel like they’re just a mum, or just a wife, and then somebody comes along and shows them some attention.
It happened in my first marriage and I’m so sorry for that, but I know why I did it and it’s because I stopped feeling like a woman at home and then I met somebody who made me feel like a teenager again, who really fancied me. But I learned from that.
What I should have done is have a frank conversation with my then husband to tell him how I was feeling.
It’s a hard discussion to have, but you need to have it. Then you can decide whether you want to try to save your marriage.