I just think that if I got pregnant and we had to get on with it, he’d have to accept it and he’d be OK with it – I just think he’s scared of actually having to make a decision to do it
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I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly three years, we live together and have a great relationship.
However, over lockdown I decided to stop taking the Pill, but I didn’t tell him. We have talked about starting a family, but he won’t commit and it’s frustrating. I just think that if I got pregnant and we had to get on with it, he’d have to accept it and he’d be OK with it. I just think he’s scared of actually having to make a decision to do it.
I know it seems like I’m deceiving him, but if I wait around for him to stop dithering, I’m worried it’ll never happen.
I’m not pregnant yet, but should I say something now or just leave it to chance?
He’s a good guy, so I think it would be OK.
Who are you trying to convince – me or yourself? Of course you’re deceiving him and it’s not good for a relationship – you’re breaking the trust and he might not forgive you for it.
Do you really want to be pregnant and, instead of it being a joyful time, it’s horrible and stressful because your boyfriend resents you for making this choice without him?
It’s really not a great way to start family life. If you love each other, then talk about it sensibly and explain how you feel. Try to work out a timeframe that you’re both happy with. But don’t deceive him over something this big – talk to him now and don’t wait until you find yourself pregnant.
‘Over lockdown I decided to stop taking the Pill, but I didn’t tell him’ – stock image
The other night my husband’s phone went off when he was in bed and I was downstairs making a cuppa. I glanced at it and saw it was an image, and when I clicked on to it, I saw it was a selfie of him naked, embracing another nude man, who I didn’t recognise.
I was incredibly shocked, but I haven’t found the courage to ask him about it.
I wasn’t snooping – the image just popped up when I happened to be there, but I’m worried about what he’ll tell me and what it will mean for us. We’re both in our 30s and have been married for three years. What do I do?
I think you know what you have to do, you must say something. You can’t un-see this photo, so all you can do now is confront it head on.
Explain the image popped up on his phone and you’ve been worrying about it ever since because it’s left you wondering what it means and who this other guy is.
I know it’s really difficult to tackle something like this because you’re afraid the outcome won’t be what you’re hoping for, but it’s the only way to deal with it and move on – one way or the other.
There might be an innocent explanation – a throwback to a raucous stag do for example – but only he can tell you.
‘Whenever I speak to my mother it affects my wife deeply and for the next few days she just keeps hammering me’ – stock image
(Image: Jamie Garbutt)
I’m a married man with two kids and a wonderful wife. My issue goes back to when we married 20 years ago. When we were newly married, I focused more on my mother and sister than my wife and, as a result, she felt very much left out.
She was hurt badly at that time and I made a mistake by striking up a relationship with my mother again without my wife’s knowledge.
This was two years ago and since she found out she’s been very angry with me. She says my mother has “won” and she’s “lost” and a lot more besides.
My wife also suffered a serious illness, which she recovered from, but it really affected her. Now she tells me she considers me to be a helper, someone to take care of her and the kids, and would have divorced me if she hadn’t got sick. She can be very negative and depressing.
Whenever I speak to my mother it affects my wife deeply and for the next few days she just keeps hammering me. This is getting to me and I really don’t know what to do. I’d like to have a discussion with my mother about all of this, but I’m worried if I do it behind my wife’s back and she finds out, it’ll be another major issue.
I’m struggling to work out why your wife has turned this into such a huge issue, talking of winners and losers, and why she’s so angry. She’s holding a grudge from 20 years ago and it sounds like she’s forced you into making a choice between her and your mum.
It shouldn’t be an all-or-nothing situation. We don’t all get on brilliantly with our in-laws, but there has to be room for compromise.
She sounds terribly insecure and terrified that you love your mum more than you love her. But it’s a different type of relationship and there should be room for both.
I think it’s totally unreasonable that she expects you not to see your mum – even if she doesn’t want to see her, she shouldn’t stop you from having a relationship with her.
You shouldn’t have to hide the fact that you speak to your own mum and I wonder if this also means your kids don’t have a relationship with their grandmother? That would be sad.
I think your wife would benefit from counselling, but you can’t make her go. However, I think you need to be stronger when it comes to insisting on seeing your family.
It sounds as if you’ve done most of the giving and she’s done most of the taking over the years, and I think that has to change or you’re going to be very unhappy. You can’t be made to feel guilty all the time and to have your life controlled in this way.
She’s told you she’s only with you to be her helper, which is very hurtful.
I think you deserve better, unless she’s willing to work through the issues in your marriage and listen to what you want with a view to compromising and finding a way forward.