You’re basking in the afterglow of sex completion. If you’ve played your cards right, your sex partner has miraculously not scurried to the bathroom to hide and hope you’ve gotten the hint and left the premises. No, instead, she’s lying next to you — maybe even in your arms. You did good, man. Now just relax and bask in comfortable, golden, amorous silence.
But also, you are a human male. You feel the urge to fill the post-coital air with your words — your dumb, inane, unnecessary words. It’s as inevitable for us as it is painful — like being an avid road cyclist and facing the danger of crashing; it’s not a question of if you will screw everything up, but when. You’ll say something regrettable, and then you’ll apologize, or wring your hands as you scramble to explain yourself and try make it right — or possibly dig yourself further into a hole. It’s not the the end of the world when it happens — but it is a needlessly awkward exchange, one that, with training and preparation, can be avoided.
Below is a brief sampling of some of the many, many things that you shouldn’t say after sex. Note that the real list is as endless as man’s own capacity for foot-swallowing stupidity, but hopefully this will provide a good jumping-off point; examples of words that may appear in your mind, that you may wish to verbalize during that magical post-boot-knockin’ chill period, but that you really, really don’t need to, man.
“I can’t believe how good that felt.”
Here’s a good one to start with. We all know what you meant: “As good as I was expecting that to feel, it felt even better than that!” Hey, that’s a nice thought. But what that really sounds like is, “I set the bar really low and you pretty much exceeded it.” Sure, that’s still a compliment, but one so brutally, clumsily back-handed, you’re basically Roger Federer on a Schnapps bender. Better to stay quiet.
“Wait, did you want me to stay over?”
“Mama didn’t raise no ingrate,” you’ll think to yourself, as you chivalrously offer to slip out of the bedroom and into the night, like the douchiest ninja ever.
No, you’ll insist to your partner, that with the sexing portion of the evening concluded, you simply didn’t want to overstay your welcome or invade your partner’s personal space… except for that part earlier in the evening, where you invaded your partner’s uh, personal space — vigorously and repeatedly.
Staying over is part of the deal, at least unless she gives you an overt “OK,” something along the lines of “You don’t have to stay over if you don’t want to,” (which still means you should stay over) or, better still “I agree, it would be better if you left.” (Which means you likely screwed something else up.)
We were raised to say “thank you” for any kindness that comes our way, and what can be kinder than a nice lady being super-cool to your genitals? But sex is, of course, the exception. Someone didn’t just hold the door for you; you didn’t just get your parking validated; a busboy did not just refill your water glass. There is a difference in protocol, so let’s act accordingly.
The only time a “thank you” could be remotely defensible is if there were some sort of financial transaction involved with the sex, which of course brings up a whole other set of ethical issues. Even then, it’s still horribly tacky, at best, though if you’re paying for sex that’s probably not a huge concern for you.
“Was that good?”
File this one under “If you have to ask…”
The lack of confidence and self-assurance in those three words is troubling. What’s your concern here? That your partner didn’t have an orgasm? That you came too fast? That your equipment was underwhelming? All three? Look, I don’t have the stats to back this up — like my man George W. Bush, I don’t believe stats matter when I feel something so strongly in my bones — but I can tell you that I feel it in my bones that seven out of eight men suffer from those insecurities and uncertainties during every sexual encounter, and the best among us wear said insecurities like a badge of honor.
Being mediocre in the bedroom is not good, but being CONFIDENT about said mediocrity is nothing short of badass. The truth is we can’t all be hung like (or possess the endurance of) Ron Jeremy. Sex is a skill — and you, like everyone else, are working on perfecting your craft. So when all else fails, own your mediocrity: Don’t ask if it felt good — ask if they’d like seconds!
“I have a big day at work.”
This one isn’t about what you said, but when you said it. Saying “I have a big day at work,” after a solid 30-minute post-coital cuddle sesh is legit. You’re an ambitious fellow and she will appreciate your excitement to start your day and grab it by the proverbial short hairs.
By contrast, saying “I have a big day at work,” a mere, say, 30 seconds into your refractory period is downright sociopathic. You may as well have said, “I’ve made a terrible mistake with you that no amount of showering can undo, but I sure am gonna try. Gotta run!”
“You’re kinda loud.”
This is tantamount to saying “I’m cool with not seeing you naked again.” If that’s what you meant, that’s cool. If it isn’t and you did just want her to turn it down a little, keep in mind Sex Volume Control runs counter to letting inhibitions go or doing whatever your partner is doing at her most liberated. So, not only are you pathetically uptight, but you apparently hate feedom. Go rent Braveheart, invest in some apartment soundproofing, and man the hell up.
Well, that’s your starter list. I hope it offered some insight. I assure you these examples were assembled from the very real experiences of test subjects in the field. (And by that I mean, I said these things. Me. But what’s important is we learn from our mistakes and move on.)