While it might seem as elusive to you as your girlfriend’s ever-changing mood that you can never predict, the female clitoris isn’t as mysterious as you might currently believe. Unless you’ve been a really terrible sexual partner for the last few decades, you’ve probably wondered how to betterplease your partner and how to truly educate yourself on the anatomy of the woman — or ahem, women — you love or have loved. The very first step in becoming an awesome guy who rocks it in bed is learning everything (and we mean absolutely everything) you can about stimulating her clitoris.
Without knowing this single piece of truth about what turns her on, it will be near impossible to help her achieve the incredible orgasm that she not only craves, but that you desire to give her. If you’ve failed at figuring it out in the past, don’t worry bro. Luckily for you, we’ve talked to sexual experts who have researched the clitoris extensively and can instruct you — in critical detail — on how to become a master of it.
1. What The Clitoris Is
Before you can determine how to make her reach climax via the clitoris, you should really know what the clitoris is, where it’s located and why it matters, don’t you think? If you imagine your girlfriend’s vagina, the clitoris is actually inside of the labia folds. It’s located pretty high up toward the top of the lips, and if you separated her to get a good look at it (which we suggest because knowledge is power!), it probably would remind you of a smaller nipple that’s pressed between the folds of skin. In pure definitions, it is an erectile tissue that swells larger when aroused and its blood supply enables it to engorge continuously, allowing anyone with one to experience multiple orgasms, according to Cliteracy.com. (Another fun fact? It’s the only organ in the human body that exists exclusively for pleasure!)
Dr. Dawn Michael, psychologist, sex expert and author, describes it this way: “One way I explain the clitoris to both men and women is to understand that the clitoris has legs and these internal legs go into the vagina, bundle at the g-spot, then wave towards the cervix,” she says. “Each woman has a unique clitoris and clitoral leg.”
Coleen Singer, sexpert at Sssh.com, advises you to use your fingers to really locate the exact location of your partner’s clitoris. Why? While it’s generally in the same spot for nearly every woman, understanding the exact location for your girl will help you remember each and every time you go to stimulate it. Just like when you study for a test or practice at a sport, building muscle memory is a key component of becoming a high-performing expert in your field.
So why is this seemingly small and insignificant part of your girlfriend’s body so important to her pleasure during intercourse, oral sex or anything sexual? First up, let’s put it in terms of your penis, which you know like the back of your hand, and it can help you really get why this go-to hot spot is key for success.
“The head of the penis is the head of the clitoris, the shaft of the penis is the legs of the clitoris. When stimulating the clitoris orally, or using hands, sex toys and even rubbing against the body during intercourse, the head of the clitoris is very sensitive. It is even more sensitive than the head of the penis and has many more nerve endings,” Michael explains. “If a man can think about just having the head of his penis rubbed over and over again and ignoring the shaft, that can get very irritating. This is what happens to a woman when the head of her clitoris is rubbed over and over again: it gets irritated and can lead to her not having an orgasm.”
In other words, without know what you’re doing, you won’t actually give her the pleasure she needs. The clitoris is basically responsible for a woman’s ability to reach climax when she’s having sex with you. “The clitoris is what triggers more than 75 percent of orgasms in women,” she says. “That means that only a very small percentage of women reliably experience non-clitoral stimulation orgasms during intercourse.”
And if you think that your motion-of-the-ocean or what you’re packing is what your girlfriend craves, then you should think again real fast before she ditches you for a dude who wants to understand her body. Why? Singer says that clitoral stimulation is what women remember after they have sex and how they determine if their partner is good in bed or a disappointment. “No matter how long it lasts, no matter what size the man’s penis, and no matter how the woman feels about the man or the relationship, a guy who knows how to handle the clitoris is everything in female human sexuality,” she says. “Clitoral stimulation significantly increases the number and intensity of women’s orgasms.”
But while your hand and tongue might already be tired considering how long it might take to get your girl to her hottest level, remember that there are countless ways to stimulate the clitoris (which we’ll get to later)… and then there are some ways you really shouldn’t.
2. What The Clitoris Isn’t
When you were in high school and having sex for the first time, you might remember watching movies, sitcoms or even porn videos where a woman went crazy as her man touched her. While that definitely can happen, it’s likely not as glamorous, easy or out-of-control as you might expect. In fact, it wasn’t until 1998 that people really started talking about the anatomy of the clitoris in a big way. So while you might have these preconceived notions, don’t beat yourself up about it too much. We’re only recently being open and doing what we can to learn about this incredible organ.
Simply rubbing the clit will make her finish.
Just like what Michaels said above, rubbing down the clit with your hands (or mouth or whatever) over and over again, repetitively, until you’re tired and she’s irritated, isn’t going to make her finish. In fact, this is what will likely encourage her to fake her orgasm so you stop touching her: because it’s getting her nowhere and not turning her on.
You can only access the clit properly with your tongue.
When you’re going down on her you, you might focus your attention to the area where you think her clit is. While this is good (high five!), there are many, many ways to arouse and stimulate her most sensitive and impressionable area, without the use of your tongue.
You should spell the alphabet while going down on her to get to the clit.
Wouldn’t it be nice if it was this simple? Forget what American Pie told you and really make an effort to understand the strokes, the repetition and the speed, and the pressure that she needs to get turned on. It might take some time, but your payoff (and, ahem, hers!) will be well worth the effort.
Not every woman wants you to touch her clit.
While it’s true that some women might not have experience with clitorial stimulation, it’s also true that the vast majority of women would want to give it a shot. In fact, when it comes to female masturbation, most women will either only stimulate their clit or stimulate it while they use a vibrator in their vagina. In other words: the only way they can properly finish and achieve orgasm is by engaging with their clitoris in some effective way. If your girlfriend is shy, she might not be comfortable talking about what she wants, and it’s up to you to show her just how much you care about her happiness and pleasure by opening the discussion.
Now that you have a higher education on what is expected out of you in the bedroom, why the clitoris should be your main attraction and where everything is located, now it’s time to start studying all of the varying methods of touching, rubbing, licking and pushing against this pleasure point. We hope you’re ready:
3. How To Stimulate It With Your Mouth
For some women, the only way they can orgasm is when their partner goes down on them. Oral sex itself is something that’s a learned practice and varies greatly on the person. What worked for your past girlfriends and partners is likely not the exact same thing that will work with your current one. “Many women respond strongly to oral sex and feel that this is the only way they can orgasm with their partner. Whether you’re simply looking to get her excited or you want to show her the final destination, oral is a great technique,” Singer says.
But one thing that will remain consistent and constant is the importance of focusing on the clit… no matter who, what, when or where.
….but how? Experts share the very good, simple things you should absolutely do when you’re stimulating her clit with your tongue and mouth, along with some things that she’ll be glad you didn’t do while near her clit:
Do: use the tongue!
We’re not sure if there’s a fitness class out there that will build up the endurance of your tongue, but simply raising it and lowering it, sticking it in and out and really giving it a good “sweat” might be a good idea. Experts agree that your tongue is really your most treasured weapon for combating and conquering your girl’s clit. “Your best friend for clitoral stimulation is your tongue,” Singer says. “The tongue is an amazing organ that you have remarkable control over as far as movement, licking patterns and intensity of friction.”
Don’t: go straight for the clit without warming her up.
Like we’ve said before (and will likely keep saying throughout this piece), this area is very, very sensitive and potentially can be painful for your partner if you move too fast or hard. Michael says to make sure you get her lubricated around the area before putting direct pressure with your tongue to the clitoris. “Do use your tongue around her clitoris and tease the surrounding area, but do not use your tongue directly on her clitoris without first having foreplay,” she advises. “It would be like a woman just sucking on the head of your penis right off the bat, without doing anything else before to get your excited. Just doesn’t work!”
Do: use long, controlled strokes.
Instead of flicking your tongue or getting really excited and moving quickly, most women respond to getting turned on by taking it slow and being meaningful and thoughtful with your movements, even if they’re just with your tongue. “When you’re going down on her and starting to lick the clitoris directly — after getting her turned on beforehand! — practice using your tongue to do long strokes against it,” Michael says. “This will help you not to overstimulate the clitoris, but get her excited slow and steady.”
Don’t: Shave your face before going down on her.
Imagine if someone rubbed sandpaper over the top of your erect penis head. Might not feel that great, eh? That’s likely what it would feel like for your girlfriend if you shaved right before you decide to go down on her and stimulate her clitoris. “Grooming right before giving cunnilingus is a big no-no,” Singer says. “Even a bit of a ‘Five-O’Clock Shadow’ will often result in beard-burn to her inner thighs as you go down on her. Ouch!”
Do: Vary your movements.
Nothing will get her more bored or less excited than doing the same monotonous movement over and over again, without any variation. The same can be said about only using your mouth and not welcoming your fingers into the picture while you’re going down on her. Singer says that when it comes to using your mouth to stimulate the clit, variety wins. In addition to fingering her, she says to: “Alternate between oral stimulation with your tongue and your lips! This provides a bit of diversity for you to go get signals from your partner of what is really turning her on.”
4. How To Stimulate It With Your Hands
If you’re feeling pretty uncomfortable or hesitant about going after her clitoris, Singer says this method is probably the easiest to master first. Not only does it allow for eye contact, since you don’t have your face buried between her legs, but you can communicate during it so you know you’re giving her exactly what she wants at the right speed and weight.
“Manual clitoral stimulation technique is very easy,” Singer says. “Once you learn what is working for her, you can move on to applying more pressure, varying the speed and patterns, and using more fingers on her clit.”
Do: start with one finger and then add more.
After you do the warm-up (you know the drill: deep kissing, some rubbing all over the body and some of those beloved heavy moans), you can start to use your fingers to get her turned on. “You need to rub the side of her clit with one finger. There’s no need to start applying pressure directly to her clit just yet. Instead, rub her clitoral hood or keep your finger just far enough away from it so that it’s not making direct contact,” Singer explains.
After you get more comfortable with the movement and you watch her to see cues of what’s working for her, Singer suggests trying it with two fingers or three, and so on. “This of course provides more stimulation, with each finger running over her clit right after the previous one,” she says.
Don’t: Put your hands near her with long fingernails.
Even if you’re not the type of guy who stops by the nail salon to trim your nails, having proper grooming on your fingers is not only essential, but will keep her from getting hurt. “Even the slightest jagged fingernail can cause serious abrasion and even injury to her delicate clitoral membrane,” Singer says.
Do: use lubricant for more movement.
Most women are able to get wet pretty easily with sexual stimulation, but there’s nothing wrong with making it even juicier. Try a water-based lubricant applied directly on the palm of your hand, which you can rub over her lips and inside to gently touch her clitoris. Michael says this will help make the experience even hotter for her and she’ll feel more of the sensation because she’ll be wetter.
Don’t: overdo it.
As you hear her start to get turned on, your natural reaction might be to go harder and faster and encourage her to finish. This will actually have the opposite of your intended effect and might make her lose the feel-good, warm sensations she was starting to feel. Slow and steady wins the orgasm race when it comes to clitoris stimulation.
“As with oral stimulation, excessive and extended manual stimulation can kill her buzz. Fingers are great for a warm-up and even for a finale to orgasm, but stay very aware of how she is responding and if you sense overstimulation or fatigue, move on to other activities to give her a little break,” Singer notes.
5. How To Stimulate It With Sex Toys
If you’ve explored couples vibrators already, then you likely know how much dimension and kink they can add to your sex life. When you add in another layer of stimulation directly to her clitoris, you up the game even higher (and hotter!). “Though some women are able to orgasm through penetration, or manual or oral stimulation alone, sometimes that’s just not enough to bring her to orgasm,” Singer explains. “This is where sex toys, specifically vibrators, come into play!”
Do: invest in something quality.
There’s a time and place for saving money, but then there is definitely room to splurge for your sex life. Singer notes the big thing to look for is making sure your toy is phthalates-free to ensure safety and sexual health. “The sex toy industry has come a long way in recent years with bringing safe and versatile vibrators to market, often including a wide variety of settings to explore which work best for her,” Singer says. “The U.S. EPA has designated phthalates as ‘possible human carcinogens,’ and they have also been linked to neurological and reproductive issues. When buying sex toys, it is best to either go to a local sex toy shop and speak with one of the employees for suggestions, or shop online with a reputable retailer like Adam and Eve, Gamelink or Lovehoney. These sites carefully choose their inventory with quality and safety as their foremost priority, with the added bonus of having consumer reviews on most products they carry.”
Don’t: just use any lubricant.
Since you’re working with an outside material and not skin, you want to make sure that the lubricant you use to get the sex toy ready is compatible and safe. “Silicone-based lubes are fine on toys made of hard materials, like hard plastic, aluminum, ceramic, steel, granite, wood, marble, etc. However, it is important to keep silicone lubes away from sex toys that are made of or contain silicone (which is most higher-end vibrators and insertable sex toys),” Singer notes. “If you use silicone lube on silicone toys, the lube will start to solidify onto the toy, and the toy will start to melt into the lube, leaving you with a toy that has a melted cheese-like consistency on the outside. The solution here is to always use water-based lubricants, which will not chemically interact with your new $125 silicone-based sex toy and risk injuring your partner’s delicate areas.”
Do: get a toy that does double duty for you.
When you’re shopping around, start with a vibrator that not only penetrates her, but has access to her clitoris too. The nice thing about these types of toys is that they allow you to get in on the fun, too. “A powerful combination is, while stimulating her clit with a vibrator, give her some vaginal penetration with your penis, fingers or even a G-spot-targeted, vibrating sex toy,” Singer says. “This, more often than not, will bring her to a toe curling orgasm due to the multiple stimulation.”
6. How To Stimulate It With Lubricants
“Lubrication is critical for most clitorises,” Singer says. And for good reason! While she might already be wet, there’s nothing better than making it a smoother experience for both of you. Here’s what to avoid and what to make sure you do if you’re introducing a lubricant into your clit game.
Do: Use water-based lubricants.
Like we said above, these are really the best option for a safe and fun experience for both of you. It also allows you to play without worrying about the aftermath effects or any potentially dangerous combinations with a sex toy or allergy. Singer encourages trying a “sensation-based lubricant” for an even more intense experience. “These come in both water- and silicone-based formulas and range from cooling and warming sensations to a wide variety of flavors to give the man a little tasty treat during cunnilingus,” she explains.
Don’t: forget about your current game plan.
“If you and your partner are trying to conceive a baby, standard lubricants from your local pharmacy can be full of ingredients that actually fight your sperm, which can make getting pregnant even harder than it can already be,” Singer says. “It’s important to pick a sperm-friendly lubricant that will be supportive of your new mission: having a baby. Lubricants meant for baby-making help with sperm viability and motility by encouraging them to swim to your partner’s uterus. Ask your OBGYN for recommended products if this applies to you!”
7. Stimulating It With Your Penis
Last — but not least! — the way to access the clitoris is with your most prized possession: your penis. “One powerful yet often neglected technique for clitoral stimulation is using the shaft of the penis to contact the clit. With lots of lube, this technique can lead to mind blowing orgasms for her,” Singer says.
Do: try the coital alignment technique.
Most of your go-to sex positions actually don’t give your member a chance to stimulate your lady’s clit. This is where the “coital alignment technique” comes into play and can be very powerful in your lovemaking. “This is often done in the missionary position, but instead of thrusting as the basic motion, there is a rocking motion, which stimulates the clitoris much better,” Singer says. “The man enters initially from between the woman’s legs, which are apart and slightly bent, but then lifts himself further up the length of her body so that his thrusts make contact between his shaft and her clitoris.”
Don’t: Go full throttle ahead.
The way to use your penis for direct contact to the clit is the same way you’d use your fingers. Similar in shape, they both need to practice warming your partner up before applying too much pressure, too soon. “Try using the shaft of your penis in the same way you use your fingers! It’s a nice treat for her if before you insert your penis into her vagina, you use your well-lubed shaft to gently rub up and down on her clitoris,” Singer says.
Apart from it being painful for her if you push too hard, it can also cause you to lose control because, well, it will feel awesome for you, too. “When using your shaft to rub her clit when it is not inserted, be careful not to also use the head of your penis too much,” Singer notes, “as it just may feel so good that it leads to premature ejaculation. Ooops!”