UK Porn Ban

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Tomorrow, the tourists around Westminster will see something quite strange outside the British Parliament building: 500 people simulating sex in protest against new bans affecting in this country. If you haven’t yet heard, online UK is about to get seriously tame. As of 1 December 2014, there are a load of new rules about what kind of content UK producers, independent cam stars and performers who give away clips on their websites can titillate you with.

UK Porn BanFrom now on, homegrown sites won’t be able to show you:

  • face-sitting — now classified as a potentially life-threatening act
  • wrestling
  • spanking above a ‘gentle’ level
  • caning
  • female ejaculation, aka squirting
  • golden showers
  • and last, but by no means least, fisting

As a former pro-domme (explanation here for the uninitiated), I know a thing or two about face-sitting. And you’d be surprised (or would you?) by how many men love it. If a hot woman entraps you between her thighs, you get a sensory overload that’s likely to make your mouth salivate and your trousers stir — plus the thrill of feeling just a little helpless.

But the idea that this is a potentially life-threatening act because of the risk of asphyxiation? Please. I’ve endured packed train rides that were more oxygen-starved. And we’re about consenting adults, here. As pro-domme Nikki Whiplash who sells face-sitting clips online puts it, “The idea that seeing a clip of one of my little models supposedly controlling the breathing of one of my big boys in a clearly acted fantasy scenario could then go off, copy the act and somehow smother themselves to death as a result is pretty patronising. It would take two of these presumed idiots getting together to result in any kind of face-sitting accident.”

Just to double-check that I’m not wearing my sadistic domme spectacles, I’ve consulted a guy in the know — porn megastar James Deen, no less — for his risk assessment of being face-sat: “Compared to cock-gagging, it’s far more straightforward. When a hot woman gets to sit on my face, I just think, ‘This is awesome.’”

Cock-gagging or choking, for the record, is still allowed. And don’t get me wrong, I’m a feminist, I’m kinky, I’m partial to a bit of down-my-throat porn — and play — but how ATVOD, the UK regulator, can decide cock-gagging is OK while face-sitting isn’t remains as baffling as it is inconsistent. When you consider that female ejaculation, the very primal and natural act of squirting is now banned too, you can see why us female porn-browsers are more than a little suspicious that the government has a problem with female sexual agency.

So who exactly gets to decide this stuff? After all, not I, nor Mistress Nikki, nor James Deen were consulted by ATVOD on the likelihood of harm by muff-crush. Instead the decisions are largely guided by a survey of public attitudes and the potential for “moral harm”, as the BBFC guidelines put it. And it’s the same logic that applies to the UK’s “extreme porn” legislation which makes acts such as fisting and golden showers, perfectly legal to do with a consenting partner — but not legal to view. Some 5,500 prosecutions have been brought since the law came into force just under a decade ago. The UK government intervenes in our consensual sex lives and porn-viewing far more than you might think.

Caning is also on the naughty list. Ah, caning, that most English of corporeal punishment activities. When I dommed, it was generally only an act requested by gentlemen of a certain age. Yet interestingly, stats released by this week tell us that caning is a particularly British porn preserve, searched for up to 200% more frequently by viewers in Blighty. So it can’t only be the older guys that are interested.

Is caning risky? As someone who used to give 10 of the best on both cheeks (I was an ambidextrous caner, a real asset) I say no. Any ‘striping’ or welts subside after a couple of days. Provided you don’t draw blood, the risk of infection, or permanent damage to the skin is incredibly low. Physiologically, what you are doing is giving someone an endorphin release and blood rush as the skin is hit. It may be a sexual extreme sport but it’s far less risky than boxing, sky-diving or driving your car over the speed limit.

But the ban remains. And what are the real ramifications for UK viewers of these new senseless restrictions? Well, for a start, they aren’t criminal. You aren’t going to be prosecuted if you at this newly outlawed stuff. Only UK content providers will be in trouble. Secondly, they don’t mean the end of viewing face-sitting, spanking or caning porn as you’ll still be allowed to at free content made outside the UK. But if it’s all making you a little paranoid, avoid the government tracking you online by downloading the Tor browser, advises Jerry Barnett of the Sex and Censorship campaign group. “On Apple it’s called Onion browser; on Android, Orweb.” And it’s perfectly legal to do.

Incidentally, if you’re interested as to why the UK government has just made us as porn-censorious as China and Saudi Arabia, it’s apparently for the good of our children. But restrictions on UK-made content make no sense. After all, we responsible adults can still get our spanking fix for the moment by accessing content outside of the UK. And if we can, then so can under-18s. Cracking down on adult content providers means the government loses the revenue it could previously have collected from them in tax, the same revenue that could have funded better sex education, or parental advice on how to kids online.

ATVOD’s plan is to try and block foreign porn sites from receiving credit card payments from the UK. Right now, you can buy bondage clips from sites such as San Francisco-based Kink.com.or pay for a private golden shower show from, say, a Polish clips4Sale provider. But if ATVOD gets their way, that too will soon be blocked. They also have grand ideas to force all non-UK sites that offer free content alongside paid content (most of the tube sites) to apply for a licence to prove they’ve age-verified every visitor. Good luck with that, Mr Cameron. In the meantime, we’re still allowed to access the free foreign stuff. As are kids since they don’t, after all, have credit cards. The UK government has really thought this through, you can see.

It’s been a depressing week for us British pervs. Who would’ve guessed that two months before 50 Shades came out, it was now illegal to view in British porn so many of the acts the book depicts. As if we didn’t have enough hang-ups about getting your freak on. But here’s another way to look at it. It might, curiously, reignite the thrill of porn many of us have lost since it’s become so easily accessible. Maybe David Cameron just did our libidos a favour. Either way, it won’t stop us getting our rocks off — or our faces sat on.

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