Life would be a hell of a lot breezier if, during sex, you could reach your peak every time, right? But everyone wants to experience sex differently. And the sexual tastes you know will lead you to an orgasm can sometimes feel too nuanced to share with a partner — whether that’s asserting your preference for top-side positions only, or disclosing a fantasy about being tied to your headboard that just sings to you.
Real talk, though: Opening up about what gets you off, especially your specific desires and needs, is only going to elevate the action. This is where the five love languages come into play.
If you aren’t familiar with the idea of love languages and what it means for your sex life, the TL;DR is that they originate from the book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman. Chapman explains that there are five primary ways we express love in relationships: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving and giving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. The book has become a go-to guide for spotting how your partner displays and receives loves, and for interpreting your own partialities as well. While this theory is mostly a helpful way to package the basic principals of communication in a relationship, knowing your love language can help you give and receive sex in more meaningful ways too.
If you don’t know your love language, this online quiz will help you discern your dominants. (Make sure that your partner’s language is also spoken, so that you can develop a consensual and satisfying sexual experience for all parties.) Once your find out your love language and theirs, your next bedroom date can indulge in positions targeted towards your love language, hopefully in a way that’ll raise the frenzy on your emotional and physical sweet spot. We’ll walk you through a few sex position ideas below — and, just for the record, folks with the “physical touch” love language aren’t the only ones who get to have fun here.
Words of Affirmation: The Chairman
When it comes to stroking the flames of your love language, verbal affirmation during sex will blow your damn mind. So let us introduce the chairman, an ideal position for G-spot stimulation and sexy chit-chat.
Have your partner sit on a chair or the edge of the bed, with you sitting on top facing away from them. From here, you can drape your legs over theirs, or bring your knees to your chest, supporting your feet on the bed. Since words mean everything to you, this position lets your partner put their mouth right next to your ear, so they can whisper all the extra sweet and complimentary dirty talk that you so crave.
Acts of Service: Lotus
Anything your partner can do to ease the burden of responsibility counts as an act of service, and there are oh-so many ways to play with this love language into the bedroom. Lotus is an MVP position, especially in the “actions speak louder than words” discourse. To execute lotus, the penetrating partner should sit with their legs criss-cross applesauce, while you sit on top, with your legs wrapped around their waist. From here, you can share sweet kisses and heated stares while the penetrative partner thrusts into you — or develops a slow grinding motion, depending on the mood.
You partner can say “Let me do that for you” by taking the reins and doing more of the work—or you can. That’s why the position is so amazing, especially if your partner’s love language is acts of service too, because you can switch off doing the heavy lifting.
This love language really isn’t about materialism—instead, gifts are a heartfelt symbol centered on thoughtfulness and effort. And oftentimes, a person that loves to receive also loves to give. If your love language is gifts, the good ‘ol 69 is a flawless position because it’s one that involves a dose of doting for both you are your partner.
There are plenty of ways to get creative during 69, but the basics are: lay side-by-side with your partner, with your face near their genitals and vice versa. Then, stimulate each other with hands, lips, tongues, toys — whatever varying sensations you’re vibing in that moment. Want to take it a step further and introduce some anal play? Just make sure to have some lube around, and enjoy.
Quality Time: Snuggly Spoon
If quality time is your love language, you adore sharing moments of full, undivided attention with your partner. Simply put, the facing-spoon position is snuggly as hell and will satisfy your need to connect on a deeper level. In this position, each of you should lie on your sides facing one another, and you can slightly open your legs to allow your partner to penetrate you. For twice the fun, there are all kinds of ways to integrate fingers, toys, grinding, and so on.
This position means really being there in togetherness, embraced and encircled in your partner’s arms. And spooning sex isn’t complicated. It’s sustainable, so you can do it for longer periods of time, uninterrupted in bed, 100% focused on one another without distraction.
Physical Touch: Grinding Scissor
When you’re already a touchy person, it’s not surprising that your ideal sex position would involve even more skin-to-skin contact. While the words “grinding scissor” sound high-key like a threat, it’s actually a fun and intimate position to get all tangled up in.
Lie on your back with your partner perpendicular and facing you on their side. From here, place one of your legs between theirs, and drape your other leg over their hips. This leaves their raised leg in the perfect position to be pressed against your vulva, giving you the opportunity to grind while they’re inside you. The best part? In this position you’ll be fully intertwined your partner from head to toe, with their weight pressed on top of you. It also leaves your hands free to explore, in case you’d like to bring in a vibrator or rub your clit, instead of grinding on their thigh.
Feel inspired for your next sex-scapades? While the five love languages might feel a little woo-woo for some us, the ultimate takeaway from them is to be present with your partner, and articulate what’s going to feel the best for you. With that simple formula, you’ll rarely be disappointed.