The 10 Most Overrated Sexual Positions

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There’s nothing wrong with mixing it up in the bedroom.

But some positions have gained an undeserved reputation as being the best.

These are the most overrated sexual positions of all time.

Standing up

Awkward and uncomfortable – but perfect if you want your lover to be made aware of your full body weight and inability to remain air-bound without the support of two legs.

Standing up will only work if your lover is smaller than you, has an exceptionally large penis and works on a building site where his duties include much knee-bending whilst carrying heavy objects.

And you are 5’1 and haven’t said yes to a pudding in seven years.

Tit wanks

Seriously, how big are your tits?

Sex involving food

Courgettes? Cucumbers? Calippos? Either sticky, slushy or totally the wrong texture/shape/consistency to be inserted into a vagina.

General perishables are a great bedroom idea but, when it comes to the practicality of miscellaneous legumes being introduces into your foreplay, my advice would be to stick with a rabbit.

And no, not the edible type.

Sex in a car

Only fun for the very horny, in mid-winter when the alternative is up against a tree on the common.

Do not expect an orgasm.

Do expect a cricked neck and firm thigh muscles the next day.

Sex in the shower

One of you inevitably hogs all the water, unless you have a rain shower, in which case you both spend the session blinking furiously and trying to keep your mouth open (for fun) and shut (for safety) at the same time.

And don’t think a hot tub is any better – a bubbling petri dish of bacteria.

Because you’re totally the first couple to have thought of that…

Dry-sex

Otherwise known as a man rubbing up against you, fully clothed, in the manner of a feral puppy, until he explodes all over your new jeans.

A favourite amongst people who enjoy sneaky fags behind bike sheds.

Any position that involves a manual

What’s wrong with missionary?

Just because a position is humanly possible it doesn’t mean it should be tried.

Just as I spend my daily yoga classes muttering ‘w***er’ under my breath to the ‘I can flex further than you’ brigade – I’d do the same to any man who suggested that he enjoyed the ‘pair of tongs’ or ‘butter churner’.

The 69-er

The mother of all over-rated sexual positions.

And while I’m sure you can claim the prize for patting your head and rubbing your tummy at the same time at school, when a woman wants to achieve orgasm, focusing on more than one thing at the same time is not the way to go about it.

Tea-bagging

You’ll never look at a cup of tea in the same way again (Picture: Stephan Kaps / EyeEm)

Theoretically, I’m all over this, and think that, combined with a good old-fashioned blow-job, there’s no reason not to add it to your sexual bucket list.

However, the sheer thought of a man straddling you, ball-bags swaying in the wind, solely with the intention of lowering them mouth-wards is enough to put you off your dinner – let alone your tea.

Lights off, under the covers

Come on people, live a bit.

Granted, I’m here for an orgasm not to enter a ‘who blinks first’ competition but, when it comes to hot sex, a little bit of eye contact goes a long way.

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