If you’re anything like me and have the humor of a 12-year-old boy, it’s nice to meet you. If not, I’m sorry you’re too mature (yes, pronounced mat-ure) to giggle at a Dirty Santa joke, or Christmas pickup line this holiday season. That’s really a damn shame because personally, phallic candy canes and horny reindeer low-key make my world go round this December.
So, when I discovered these NSFW ornaments, or, what one company is calling “pornaments,” I just had to take the opportunity to share it with all of you too. They’re seriously the best things I’ve ever seen.
Please, for both your pleasure and my own, behold the best Christmas tree ornaments you should def use to decorate your tree this year. Traditional ornaments are so last year.
1. The Gingerbread Man Who Has a Rather Large Carrot Dick and Two Eggplants as Balls (QQ: Is He Edible?)
Tekky Naughty Dirty Talking Gingerbread Man, $17 , Amazon.com Purchase here
Union Square Outlet Crooked Snowman Ornament, $12, Amazon.com Purchase here
3. The Emoji You Want to Send to Your Dude Anytime He Texts “U Up?”
Pornaments Hot Lips Ornament, $15, Amazon.com Purchase here
4. The Santa Claus That Will Give You Wet Dreams on Christmas Eve
Pornaments Ho Ho Hung Ornament, $15, Amazon.com Purchase here
5. The Type of Gingerbread (Man) That You’d Be Begging For More
Union Square Crooked Biscuit Ornament, $15, Amazon.com Purchase here
6. The Frosty Who Has, Ahem, Misplaced His Nose
Tekky Toys Dirty Talking Snowman Ornament, $15, Amazon.com Purchase here
7. The Santa Hat That’s V. Multi-Functional
So there you have it, folks. If you’re not interested in this decor for your own tree (Read: Your father would literally murder you if you ever put this up there), it could always make a fun gag gift for a White Elephant party?
Or, why not just put these pornaments on your Christmas wishlist for next year? It’s never too late to celebrate, which brings me to my last question: Do you know why Santa’s sack is so big? It’s because he only comes once a year. (Sorry…)
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